Something nice.

Now that I'm working steadily at my university jobs and my income is a bit higher than it was in past years, I've been looking at apartments and condos again.

One I saw earlier in the week was a completely remodeled condo.

A small studio but the nicest showroom-quality kitchenette I've ever seen.

 This could've been mine. 

It was just off Lake Shore Drive, a high-rise, and on the 54th floor. The view of the lake and city could not be beat!

But another person saw the unit the day before me and offered to buy it (instead of renting) and it was sold later that day.

*sigh*

It was a bit out of my price range anyway.

I told the agent I've been working with that I want something nice. Something beautiful to come home to.

Growing up, the family home was a dump and still is. It's almost 100 years-old and falling more and more apart each year.

It's very depressing and embarrassing still being there and I guess that's why I'm being so selective and not just picking anything.

I don't want to go living in one run-down place to another.

But it seems everything really nice is beyond what I can afford and what I can afford isn't all that nice.

*sigh again*

The search continues...

The games men play.

The last guy I went out with told me I was full of love but then said we weren't compatible for dating. I guess he was looking for someone full of hate?

I've gone on dates with men who've been put down for being Catholic, not liking alcohol ("You don't drink?!"), and not frequenting gay bars/clubs.

The "catches" are already taken, not interested in me, or straight.

*sigh*

That's been my dating life since, like, forever.

The heart illustration below lists some of the things men have said to me.

Marker in Moleskine journal - (NFS)

They tell you want you want to hear but when they don't get what they want from you (sex) or it's not convenient enough, they're gone.

It's very discouraging and with each failed date, I feel more self-conscious and less "datable".

When will I find a man looking for something meaningful--for real love?

Love is about accepting the other person's faults, weaknesses, and differences and still wanting to be with them. Putting real effort into it. Most men who are part of the gay scene can't comprehend that.

Why can't being myself be enough?

Maybe I'm just destined to be alone.

Getting it all out.

I've cried a lot these past couple of days. A person can only hold it in for so long.

Self-sabotage. Disappointment. Loneliness. 

When will I be done with them already?

There's the life I have and there's the life I want. I fear the two will never meet.

When I go to work, I'm thankful to be there and for my coworkers. At the same time, the positions I have are as far as I'll be able to go. Besides my art, I have no other skill-set and my simple income has pretty much plateaued. At 36 years-old, that's just discouraging.

And I have yet to find a man that will accept me as I am and love me with everything he has.

I'm ashamed to be me and doubt my life will ever become what I dream it to be.

It's moments like these that make me wish I killed myself long ago.

Here's a self-portrait I did this weekend expressing all of it:

Pen and marker in Moleskine journal - (NFS)

There was too much sickness in me and it screamed to get out. I felt a release and relief when this was completed. Thank God.

Sadly, this'll be be my first real piece of art created this whole year.

I wish things were easier. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I wasn't alone.

Deep in my heart, I still love you though, Dean.