Friday, May 23, 2014

Shitty, shitty, shitty!!

My God, it's been such a shitty past few days--past few weeks even.

I feel like there's this heaviness about me. I'm dragging along each day and it's getting harder and harder to force a smile and "look happy" at work.

I'm even too worn out to cry.

And on those really bad, disappointing days when all I need is to escape in strong arms and be held tight, I'm alone and have to deal with it on my own…as I always do.

I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

Who knew life could be so consistently terrible for this long.

Why would people want to live it at all?

Shitty, shitty, shitty!!


Mike said...


Cat said...

You write a blog that inspires other people. You make a difference to people you haven't even met. You are an amazing artist. From what you write in your blog, you seem like a person with a huge heart. That thing you did a while back, asking people to share their art with you, that was such a great idea! Maybe this heaviness is in a way an telling you it's time to follow a dream and take a leap of faith.

naturgesetz said...

"I have nothing to look forward to anymore."

There is never a guarantee tat the things people look forward to will actually happen.

Have you let your birthday get to you? I think our culture puts too much weight on birthdays, especially the multiples of five. I think there is some validity in celebrating the completion of another year of life, but they are milestones on a journey, not doors that open and close on separate compartments of our lives.

Life is a continuum, and none of us knows what will happen. Even if we have realistic expectations, the unexpected can happen.

At times like this, I wish I were there to wrap my arms around you as you leaned against me, and just to hold you. I just hope you take this as an indication that you are truly loved — small consolation perhaps.

Do you ever flirt with nice guys at either of your jobs? Would you be willing to let a friendship develop?

Souls Light said...


New blog:

Dean Grey said...


Thanks. I really need one right now, sir.



I appreciate the kind words from you.

But follow what dream? The dream of creating art for a living?

Financially that's not very realistic and my current jobs eat up all of my time and energy.




I've let life get to me not my recent birthday.

All I do is work, come home and sleep, then work again. And it's like that week after week, month after month. I'm tired and drained and sad all the time.

It's not what I want but that's how it is.

It would be nice to have something or someone to come home to. To do something on the weekends with, etc..

As far as flirting at work, well, my male coworkers are straight. Not sure how that would go over. :/


Souls Light!

Thanks for the new link!


Everyone's supportive comments are greatly appreciated!


jason said...

I know it's miserable sometimes....ok, often times, but just know you're loved!

Cat said...

It's a vicious cycle. Is there another job you can get that will help you (financially or time-wise) create or do the things that make you happy?
Someone gave me the advice to write down what it is I wanted to do with my life...and limit it to five things, but you don't have to limit how big or small those things are.
So you have your list, and instead of looking at it like, "it's impossible", the next thing you do is write down what you'd need to do tomorrow to start to make that change. Then you write down what you'd need to do over a month. Then a few months.
So many changes seem impossible and terrifying, like what will happen if I leave this hell (but this familiar hell)? Will I end up worse off? And we wait until we have a sure answer before we make a move. But what sucks is that it doesn't work like that. What's great is that many people have taken these educated leaps of faith and have created their own happiness.
Look at how people comment on your blog as an example of how well you reach people. So many of us look forward to your posts and are really pulling for you to find the love of your life, your dream job, your happy life! You've inspired us to really care and to reach out. That's a huge, huge talent that VERY FEW people have.

ilduce said...

Hey Dean,

Bear in mind, no storm lasts forever, especially shit storms.

I'm going to suggest joining a gym or the YMCA. I found that hitting weights or swimming held break up my funk of just work and sleep and get me some fertile ground for flirting as well. Also the endorphins releasedhelp my depression.

Dean Grey said...


Thanks for that, sir.



"Will I end up worse off?"

Yes, I wonder that ALL the time.

If I quit both my jobs to draw and paint full-time, what will I do for money? How will I survive?

While writing down goals sounds nice, being able to achieve them is another matter. But here are my top five since you asked:

1. Become a comic book illustrator.
2. Write a novel (or two or three).
3. Travel the country and the world.
4. Create art everyday and make a living from it.
5. Be genuinely happy and be glad to wake up each morning.



Ewww, the gym? I'm not one for working out though.

Plus joining a gym costs money I don't really have.

Maybe but I'm not sold on that idea just yet.


I appreciate the three of you commenting here!


ilduce said...

Dean, try the YMCA it should be less expensive than a private gym.

Dean Grey said...


Hmmm, there isn't a YMCA anywhere near me though. And the one in the immediate city would require a bus ride up north.

I'd imagine I'd waste money and time just commuting there.



naturgesetz said...

Instead of wishing for someone to do something with on weekends, go out and do that something by yourself.

You'll never meet somebody sitting at home.

And when you aren't out doing something, paint something for me to bid on on e-bay.


Anonymous said...

I will say there are others that have reached out to you many times... consider giving them a shot.

stanw said...

Dean, all I can say is to hang in there and keep concentrating on those goals, they sound like good ones to me. You can do it!


Dean Grey said...


But I do go out from time to time.

Saw a choir perform late last month, then went to a dance performance the week after that, and then attended the Chicago Symphony Orchestra this past Friday.

After a while it becomes depressing always going to those types of things alone, you know?

As for eBay…..

I have to get back into art first before I'm even able to sell any pieces online.



It depends who you're referring to and in what context they've reached out to me.



I appreciate the support, sir!


Thanks to the three of you for chiming in here!