Shitty, shitty, shitty!!

My God, it's been such a shitty past few days--past few weeks even.

I feel like there's this heaviness about me. I'm dragging along each day and it's getting harder and harder to force a smile and "look happy" at work.

I'm even too worn out to cry.

And on those really bad, disappointing days when all I need is to escape in strong arms and be held tight, I'm alone and have to deal with it on my own…as I always do.

I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

Who knew life could be so consistently terrible for this long.

Why would people want to live it at all?

Shitty, shitty, shitty!!

"Husband-quality."

It really is a waste of my time.

These men and the games they play.

I went on a few dates with someone new during these past couple weeks. He had potential but I guess he didn't think the same of me.

During one of our discussions, he mentioned two of his exes. He referred to them as "husband-quality" (and implied I was too). But he said neither of them was willing to wait for him to let his walls down and they eventually moved on.

This was the first time I've heard a gay man use that term. Husband-quality.

How ironic that I never really heard from him since.

Will I ever find someone who is "husband-quality"?

I've met very few, if any, gay men interested in getting married let alone wanting children.

It saddens me that I may never get married and have a family of my own one day.

I have not given up hope just yet but don't expect much from the gay community anymore either.

In the meantime, I'll continue searching for "husband-quality".