Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Erasing love.....

From past experience, I know the longer I hold onto something the harder it is to let go.

I still have a couple of his voicemails saved on my phone and I think it's wise to finally erase them. It's too tempting to listen to those messages when I'm sad and miss him.

Him and that slight southern drawl of his.


Here's one of his very first voicemails to me from the beginning of last August:

"Hey Dean...

I hope you get home safely. I've really enjoyed texting you. I've really enjoyed our interaction...I understand why you want more than that but I hope that we can be friends for a very long time and...maybe have the possibility of something else but that's neither here nor there. I've been single for quite a while. It's not just that you're a warm body. I really do like what I've seen of you and I would really like to get to know you better.

Okay. So I will talk to you later.

Give me a call, leave me a message, have a safe trip home, and have a good night.

Bye sweetie."

He sounded so sincere, so kind, and so into me back then.

Yet I'm not sure his original words hold true anymore.

I don't want to be reminded of what I've lost--to keep holding on to what I no longer have and to someone that doesn't want me anymore. It's not healthy and seems pathetic otherwise.

So with a heavy heart, I cried while listening to them one last time this morning then deleted the last of his voicemails.

And I can't help but feel sad today because I ended up erasing love.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I'm not happy.

It waits for me just underneath the surface, like an alligator catching its prey.

It opens wide and swallows me whole. There's no escaping when it has you in its death-grip.

Now that I have more down time, my depression has come back, or rather, is more noticeable again for it never really leaves.

I can deny and distract it for a bit but it's always.

Being alone and friendless in this city doesn't help either but the sad part is I'm used to that by now.

I've attempted getting lost in my art but being depressed kills a lot of that desire and inspiration.

And yet a part of me wants to claim it. To acknowledge it.

Why lie and hide it?

To express those feelings helps gain control over it. I think.

So with that said, I'm very lonely, withdrawn, find it hard to look at people, and think about dying a lot.

In other words....I'm not happy.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Wearing color!

A benefit to working at a crafts store (besides such close proximity to glitter) is many of the employees have creative backgrounds.

One of my coworkers LOVES to knit and in passing I jokingly asked when she was going to make me a scarf.

Well, a week later she knitted me one!

Here it is.....

Look at the craftsmanship!

I told her green was my favorite color so she intertwined rich blue yarn with a kelly green, making it look like teal from a distance. Love that!

When she gave it to me I wore it ALL day at work. "You look good in it," she said. "You should wear color more often."

Modeling my scarf.

This'll be the first handmade article of clothing I own and it brings a smile to my face every time I wrap it around my neck. It's like wearing artwork!

I like it so much I think I shall don my new scarf during the spring and summer too! .(~_^)

If you'd like to get one of your own knitted creations, just check out her Etsy page, and see what this talented young lady can do!

Thank you, Johanna!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

From me.....

Several months ago I was looking forward to today....because I would've had a valentine.

Now this cold day in February is another painful reminder of what I no longer have.

I wanted--needed--to have flowers on this of all days so I bought them myself as I always do.

I settled on a mixed bouquet, abundant with roses, ranunculus, mums, hydrangeas, and Peruvian lilies.

Clusters of red, white, pink, and lime green to help make me feel special, for at the moment I feel very alone, sad, and unwanted.

*deep sigh*

Happy Valentine's Day, Dean....from me.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Cutting hours.

Sales are down--and have been for a while--at the arts-and-crafts store I work at and when that happens everybody's hours get cut to balance the budget.

I only worked there 14 hours this week and will be working 15 next week. And keep in my mind I only work two nights a week at my university job (10 hours total).

Compared with a few months back when I was working 50 hours a week at three jobs, well, I've taken a noticeable cut to my income.


But all I can do now is roll with it and try to make it work to my advantage. This is a divine opportunity to get things done. I must get back to my art while I have the time to do so!

So let the creativity flow!