Friday, June 22, 2012

Monster.


This tightness took hold of my neck and went through my stomach when I heard the news.

It left me distraught, lightheaded, sad, and wanting to SCREAM and stab myself to death all at once.

I found out earlier in the week my ex not only met someone but that he's newly engaged as well.

We just broke up at the start of the new year and talked on and off for a couple months afterwards.

It doesn't make sense. How could this happen so soon? How can he move on so fast and so easily when I'm still struggling to do so? This already happened to me once before with someone else.

It makes me sick thinking my former boyfriend is touching him and possibly saying the same things to his fiancé that he once said to me.

Does he sing to him? Does he cook for him?

I'm trying not to think about it too much otherwise it would drive me crazy but the obsessive/jealous part of me wants to find out details.

Who the new guy is. What he looks like. How they met. Older or younger than me.

But it's for the best I don't know. I don't think my heart could take much more.

Others will tell me if I truly cared I would be happy for my ex.

If I'm being completely honest, I want him to be miserable and alone like me...to regret his decision to dump me. To cry like I've cried. To hurt like I've hurt. To have his heart BROKEN in as many pieces as mine.

I used to think all the men that have wronged me in the past were monsters.

And now look at the monster I've become.


"Monster"
Marker on photocopied image in Moleskine journal - (NFS)

How do I move on from this?

Am I damned to always end up alone?

And I can't help but wonder if I found a way to stay in Lexington last year, if I'd be the one engaged to him now instead.

Monster. Monster. Monster.

12 comments:

naturgesetz said...

You feel that way about it because you're still in love with him, or at least not over him. And you haven't wronged him, so you are not a monster like those who wronged you.

What if you'd been able to move to Lexington? Maybe you'd be engaged, or maybe he'd have broken up with you anyway.

How do you move on from this? One thing is to try to think about other things whenever this occurs to you. Another is to remind yourself that you don't want these strong feelings. Finally, I think it will take time for your feelings toward him to subside. You can help the process by trying to avoid thinking about him, but time really is the great healer.

Will you end up always alone? There's no way of telling, of course, but there's also no reason to suppose that you will. Fretting about it and constantly thinking about the fact that you're alone (at this moment) just makes you miserable. If you concentrate more on what you have than on what you don't have, and on what you are doing than on what you aren't doing, I think you'll be happier.

JuJu said...

Don't play the "WHAT IF" game. It will drive you nuts. The past is exactly that.
You're not a monster. You are human. Humans hurt and feel and that's what you are doing right now.

Now is the hard part, the putting it away and really really moving forward. No one said you have to be happy for him. YOu just have to make YOU happy.

Ken Riches said...

Sorry to hear the news.

Christine said...

Ah, Dearest Dean.. you pain does not make you a monster. It makes you human. And though humans can be monsters, feeling the way that you are feeling after being hurt in love is not a qualification. I have felt this pain, I still feel it sometimes today, so many years after that past has become history. I love you, my Dear, and though you may feel alone, I want you to know that you are not. Much love and healing for your tender heart.

Randuwa said...

The last person I would characterize on this planet as a "monster" is you. I wish I could do more than offer words. When I lived in Kentucky and friends faced moments of personal angst, I would invite them to my apartment and together we would make a couple of pies. Dutch sour cream Apple or French Peach with a coconut vanilla topping were my weapons of therapy. It never solved their problem, that was something for time and them to sort out. But it reminded them in a tangible way that they are loved. I would keep one and they would take one home with them. I wish we could make a pie....

Ryan said...

So what is he to do, pass up on a new guy just so you can be happy he is alone too? How about being happy for him and leaving it at that, without all the drama to get everyone to feel sorry for you. You only become a monster by choice. Maybe you should try choosing something more positive. If you don't like your life, CHANGE IT. Do something different and stop the pity parties from past events. Move forward without looking behind you. You can not change the past, but you can shape your future. Is there anything that does make you happy, enough to stop whining and to motivate you? You don't need a BF to be happy, that is an illusion of happiness if you are not happy with yourself. This blog should be called Running Backwards In a Circle. I challenge you to take control of your life and make the changes necessary to move towards a better future. I dare you to stop this self-loathing habit you take so much solace in. Soliciting pity from blog readers won't get you anywhere. You are an intelligent man, don’t insult yourself by wasting your effort trying to spin this around so you are right and I am wrong. It is obvious you are very good at that. Sometimes strangers see more than you do.

Dean Grey said...

naturgesetz!

Yes, I'm thinking about all of it too much.

I'm trying to keep busy and immerse myself in work.

In time.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JuJu!

One of my coworkers said now this forces me to move on because he's found someone else.

And one day I DO want to be happy for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ken!

Me too, sir.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christine!

Thank you for that, girl!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Randuwa!

You're going to kill me for saying this, Randy, but I do not like pie! I just don't like the custard-like/pudding filling inside.

But with that said, I'd eat one of yours any day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan!

Ouch! Why don't you tell me how you really feel, dear? (~_^)

It's not so much trying to get everyone to feel sorry for me as it is me trying to express it.

When I'm all alone at home during my downtime, I could literally feel these emotions swelling up inside just waiting to BURST out.

Isn't it better to express them here, to connect with others, instead of harming myself? I think so.

And sometimes one needs to wallow in a "pity party" because that's how they naturally feel.

I change what I can but some things are out of my control, hence my frustrations.

Lastly, it's not about who's right and who's wrong but just a difference in opinion. I do appreciate your honesty though, Ryan!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone's supportive words are very much appreciated!

-Dean

Randuwa said...

OKAY! NO pie. But we could make a killer Pineapple Upside-down cake. It's another proven example of how sweetly love can triumph over angst. ;-)

My dear young man, you can always count on Pineapple Upside-Down Cake therapy free of charge from me.

With great affection and tender care, r.

Dean Grey said...

Randuwa!

Randy, I don't like fruit very much, especially not in my desserts.

Sorry!

How about a rich, fudgy chocolate cake instead?

-Dean

naturgesetz said...

Well, if I ever did put my fantasy of flying to Chicago to cheer you up into action, I probably wouldn't have baked a pie to bring along. But now I definitely won't.

You must never have had rhubarb pie. (Not strawberry-rhubarb, but a simple rhubarb pie.)

Randuwa said...

Man, you're a tough case for this culinary therapy! But just to show you how much I care, yes, chocolate anything is fine by me! (and for the record, I don't like chocolate...well, not as a food.)

Be tender with yourself, my friend.

Dean Grey said...

naturgesetz!

I have never had rhubarb pie!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Randuwa!

It's settled then...chocolate cake!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to both of you gentlemen for the additional comments here!

-Dean