It left me distraught, lightheaded, sad, and wanting to SCREAM and stab myself to death all at once.
I found out earlier in the week my ex not only met someone but that he's newly engaged as well.
We just broke up at the start of the new year and talked on and off for a couple months afterwards.
It doesn't make sense. How could this happen so soon? How can he move on so fast and so easily when I'm still struggling to do so? This already happened to me once before with someone else.
It makes me sick thinking my former boyfriend is touching him and possibly saying the same things to his fiancé that he once said to me.
Does he sing to him? Does he cook for him?
I'm trying not to think about it too much otherwise it would drive me crazy but the obsessive/jealous part of me wants to find out details.
Who the new guy is. What he looks like. How they met. Older or younger than me.
But it's for the best I don't know. I don't think my heart could take much more.
Others will tell me if I truly cared I would be happy for my ex.
If I'm being completely honest, I want him to be miserable and alone like me...to regret his decision to dump me. To cry like I've cried. To hurt like I've hurt. To have his heart BROKEN in as many pieces as mine.
I used to think all the men that have wronged me in the past were monsters.
And now look at the monster I've become.
Marker on photocopied image in Moleskine journal - (NFS)
How do I move on from this?
Am I damned to always end up alone?
And I can't help but wonder if I found a way to stay in Lexington last year, if I'd be the one engaged to him now instead.
Monster. Monster. Monster.