Does anything ever stay the same?

"Arms around my body

Kisses on my skin

I walk away 

I walk away 

But he lingers 

Maybe it should matter 

More to be myself 

I walk away 

I walk away 

But he lingers

And everyone says 

This love will change you 

Well I ask, does anything ever stay the same

No, no, no

Just same changes."

They've been playing this song a lot lately at the arts-and-crafts store I work at.

I've never heard of it before until work.

Something about the lyrics get me every time.

Whenever it comes on the overhead speakers, I duck behind a quiet aisle and listen to it...because I don't want anyone to see me tearing up.

I feel like I lost so much recently. Like nothing worth having ever lasts. Always slipping through my fingers.

*sigh*

"And everyone says

This love will change you

Well I ask, isn’t that what love’s supposed to do

Yeah, yeah, yeah

It’s same changes."

A good day to die.

I was always very methodical when it came to my suicide...should that time come.

I'd never kill myself at home so family wouldn't find my dead body.

I even have several spots picked out depending on how I'd do it--drowning myself near the lakefront, slitting my throat at a private area in the city, or perhaps most dramatic, having a freight train run me over at night (we live right across the street from train tracks).

Most importantly of all, it would have to be in the summertime.

You see, my mom's a school teacher so the funeral would be easiest on her when she's off for summer break.

When my dad died, my mom had the whole summer to go through his things and get adjusted in time for the coming school year.

My father died 7 years ago yesterday and my uncle passed two years ago tomorrow.

There's something so lovely about me dying around that time too. Perhaps right in between would be perfect.

Yes, for future reference, today would be a good day to die.

Monster.

This tightness took hold of my neck and went through my stomach when I heard the news.

It left me distraught, lightheaded, sad, and wanting to SCREAM and stab myself to death all at once.

I found out earlier in the week my ex not only met someone but that he's newly engaged as well.

We just broke up at the start of the new year and talked on and off for a couple months afterwards.

It doesn't make sense. How could this happen so soon? How can he move on so fast and so easily when I'm still struggling to do so? This already happened to me once before with someone else.

It makes me sick thinking my former boyfriend is touching him and possibly saying the same things to his fiancé that he once said to me.

Does he sing to him? Does he cook for him?

I'm trying not to think about it too much otherwise it would drive me crazy but the obsessive/jealous part of me wants to find out details.

Who the new guy is. What he looks like. How they met. Older or younger than me.

But it's for the best I don't know. I don't think my heart could take much more.

Others will tell me if I truly cared I would be happy for my ex.

If I'm being completely honest, I want him to be miserable and alone like me...to regret his decision to dump me. To cry like I've cried. To hurt like I've hurt. To have his heart BROKEN in as many pieces as mine.

I used to think all the men that have wronged me in the past were monsters.

And now look at the monster I've become.

"Monster"

Marker on photocopied image in Moleskine journal - (NFS)

How do I move on from this?

Am I damned to always end up alone?

And I can't help but wonder if I found a way to stay in Lexington last year, if I'd be the one engaged to him now instead.

Monster. Monster. Monster.

Burn out already!

I feel like I'm slowly being cooked from the inside out.

It starts in the pit of my stomach and spreads to my tingling skin.

I'm left feeling drained, nauseous, and irritable.

What's the cause, you ask?

This!!

The culprit!

We've had a string of mid-90's last week, continuing through this week as well.

Today may mark the first day of summer but the hot weather came early this year in Chicago and I'm NOT pleased.

I hate, Hate, HATE the sun, heat, and humidity!!

But that devil star won't be touching this skin!

I've become an expert at finding shady spots while walking to work and spend the majority of the time hiding indoors.

To make matters worse, I keep comparing the forecast with that of Seattle's.

It's supposed to be 95 and sunny here in the Windy City later today but in the low 70's and cloudy over there.

*defeated sigh*

Come this time next year, I better not still be living here!

Must. Get. Back. To. Seattle!

In the meantime.....

No art to post for all of you just yet so I decided to do a little show-n-tell in the meantime!

It waited patiently at the grocery store and when we met I knew it would be MINE.

Here's the latest orchid plant I bought for myself this weekend!

Lovely!

With regal purple blooms like this, how could I resist?

Ahhhh.....

This'll be my fifth orchid I own in addition to the 50+ houseplants I already have.

It may not be a painting but it's definitely nature's work of art.

Thank you for looking!

Time to fly.

I knew it was coming. Doesn't make it any less sad though.

Like fledglings, they have to leave the nest eventually.

A few of my student workers at the university I work for have graduated last quarter and will be leaving for bigger and better things in the months ahead.

One of them landed another job and made tonight his last night. He's talented, introverted, and seems frustrated with life...and I see a lot of myself in him.

There's this trepidation in his voice--a "what do I do now?" in his conversations. I'm still figuring that out myself but I told him to never lose sight of his passions and to keep working towards his dreams whenever he can.

He excels at photography and filmmaking, revealing his subjects from the inside out.

Here's one of the films he made late last year about a transgendered college student:


Time to fly, Bartosz. May you soar far and wide.

Not creating art...again.

When I graduated from art college 13 years ago I'd draw or paint every day. That was probably one of the most productive time periods of my life.

Now it's become nothing more than a hobby, creating art when I have the time or when the urge hits, which isn't very often.

It's sad to see that part of my life slowly disappear, for without my art what am I? I am scared to answer that.

But sometimes--a lot of the times--life gets in the way.

I've been clashing with my store manager lately at the crafts store I work at, it's been HOT these past few days in Chicago, and I'm feeling quite tired and down.

So forgive me once more, dear blog readers for I have nothing to show you. 

Or perhaps I should be apologizing to myself--for not creating art...again.

Justin Bieber and coffee!

I imagine it was a teenage couple in a heated argument...driving after a late night of drunken partying.

In a fit of rage the boyfriend throws his girlfriend's music collection out the car window.

"Take that, bee-yotch!" Her CDs sparkling through the air like stars before hitting the pavement.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

That or the music just sucked and someone left it by the road for pigeons to poop on.

While walking to work the other day, I saw a handful of broken CDs near the curb and sidewalk along Roosevelt Road. But one, although dinged and dented, was still intact--Justin Bieber's "My World 2.0" CD!

I'm not particularly into his music (although "like, baby, baby, baby, oooooh" is kind of catchy) but finding free music was too much of a thrill so I took the dirt-covered CD home and cleaned it.

Now I have some new jams to listen to while I draw and paint!

And while walking on the EXACT same street the very next day, I spotted a black coffee mug resting along the Roosevelt Road bridge. A shiny, new mug just sitting there. Madness!

Surely the vibrations from oncoming traffic would've sent it falling and I couldn't leave it to get broken. The crazy in me couldn't resist. I dumped out the liquid and took the coffee cup home too!

I disinfected the mug three times but doubt I'll drink out of it. Maybe it'd make a cool holder for my pencils and paintbrushes though?

You're all mine now!

Two unique items in one week!

The things one finds while working in the city!