Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I'm not happy.


It waits for me just underneath the surface, like an alligator catching its prey.

It opens wide and swallows me whole. There's no escaping when it has you in its death-grip.

Now that I have more down time, my depression has come back, or rather, is more noticeable again for it never really leaves.

I can deny and distract it for a bit but it's there....like always.

Being alone and friendless in this city doesn't help either but the sad part is I'm used to that by now.

I've attempted getting lost in my art but being depressed kills a lot of that desire and inspiration.

And yet a part of me wants to claim it. To acknowledge it.

Why lie and hide it?

To express those feelings helps gain control over it. I think.

So with that said, I'm very lonely, withdrawn, find it hard to look at people, and think about dying a lot.

In other words....I'm not happy.

25 comments:

Ask the Cool Cookie said...

If the art doesn't give you refuge, maybe you need to try something else. Another medium. Another approach.

MartininBroda said...

*sigh! sending my good thoughts your direction

becca said...

hugs sweetie i know i'm not very good at this whole online thing but if you ever want to talk feel free to email me anytime evenif you just want to vent. I don't have any answers or solutions but i can listen if you need someone.

rebeccabryant562@hotmail.com

Jackdaw said...

Big hug from me!

naturgesetz said...

*hugs*

Randuwa said...

Green. I think the color green helps. I find the green of my house plant that sits in my kitchen window vibrant and tingling to my senses. I can awake sad, and seeing it rejuvenates my aspirations.

Orange can do the trick, too. Orange comes in so many shades, so many possibilities. It demands responses from other senses. I can always taste orange--even when it's bitter.

Yellow--oh, please, don't get me started on yellow: That's my pure joy color. Whenever life is so gray that I can't image the possibility of the rainbow, I go for Yellow like an asthmatic craving oxygen. The sunflower, the sun, the lemon, the lemon meringue pie my mother (and only my mother) perfected, the daffodil, the Bumble Bee, the Golden Finch, the leaves of the Autumn Ginko, the sun. The warm and rapturous glow and radiation of the star that is our sustainer. Yellow is always a color that rejuvenates the darkened soul.

And otherwise, there is this transparent thing that seems to linger and envelope us all--LOVE. I know you see it as I do in colors--I've seen too many of your photos for you to deny that! And we both know that it also transcends colors in ways that seem unfair and drive us to despair. Yet, still like Yellow--I am here for you in those bleached empty moments.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Hope that you can find a way back into your art.

bK said...

Ack, Dean — don't go back to that unhappy place you've been trying so hard to get away! Could you join up with a social group in your city to help you tackle those depressive feelings you have? I Googled some random keywords and came up with a bunch of groups aimed at helping people with depression/anxiety issues. I'm concerned about you. *Hugs*

YuenMe said...

Please know that good thoughts are being sent your way from someone who "lurks" here regularly. I know you have people that are closer to you that care about you, please know that fact. All of us make a difference in this world and you are making your own way in this hard world, but you send out moments of beauty here for those of us that find it - thank you!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Grey,
I am most concerned about your recent post. Please please please talk to friends, family, counselor, or call a mental health crisis line. I enjoy your blog immensely. NAMI is a fantastic group and provides all types of resources. Please contact someone. I too deal with depression and anxiety. It is always darkest before dawn. Look for the sunshine, its behind the shadows.
Take care!

Dean Grey said...

Ask the Cool Cookie!

Besides art and writing, what else is there?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Martin!

Thanks for that!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Becca!

That's very sweet of you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jackdaw!

I need one right now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

naturgesetz!

Thank you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Randuwa!

I love ALL colors, Randy.

As for houseplants, well, I have close to 50 here at home. Some I've had since childhood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucko!

Me too, Ken!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

bK!

I know, I know, Brody. It feels like I'm going backwards.

As for social groups....I'm hardly social, and don't know that I'd fit in anywhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YuenMe!

Thank YOU for lurking!

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Anonymous!

I appreciate the concern.

I don't really have any face-to-face friends anymore, am not particularly close to my family, and I've gone to see a therapist a couple years back.

I think I have to deal with it on my own as best I can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone's supportive words are greatly appreciated!

-Dean

Random said...

It's been a while since I've checked your blog, Dean :) I've missed it.

From one chronically depressed introvert to a currently unhappy sweetheart, here's what I've found works: Change.

It's easy to get stuck in your head/rut when you're depressed. Taking a step in a different direction is an uphill slog in knee-deep mud. But if you push yourself despite the instinct to hole yourself up and wallow, if you change something in your daily routine, you'll start to find footholds on that slippery slope.

As much as social interactions can be daunting and stressful, they're sometimes exactly what you need. The more you push yourself to have them, the easier they get with time. Despite my excessively introverted tendencies, I've learned the hard way how to play the social extrovert thanks to a push from someone older and wiser. You need to socialize to meet people, make friends (though the ones worth keeping are few and hard to find, so don't be disappointed if you don't find them quickly), and staving off loneliness.

Try joining an art group, a book club, or any other gig with people in it and face-to-face interaction, even if you don't want to. Especially if you don't want to. It'll help bring more people into your life, even if they're not all exactly what you want initially. It's just a stepping stone to finding better connections and deeper relationships. Until then, meeting people you can connect with online can help tide you over :) And I, for one, would love to get to know you better if you're interested. You'll find me on gmail as the charming "shitandfans" if you ever need me ;)

Anonymous said...

Know that you are loved.

stanw said...

Thinking of you Dean and praying as well. I know what you mean about being depressed and losing the desire and inspiration at the same time. When I'm home alone it gets that way at times, don't get to accomplish as much as I want to (kicking myself in the seat of the pants doesn't work either!). It's not losing hope and looking for a better day ahead, that's what we gotta focus on. Expressing your feelings, it does work to free yourself but sometimes it takes seeing the positive side of things. Cheering for you my friend.

Mitch Block said...

Hi Dean,

I have lived with depression most of my life. And, for me, talking to someone (although the right person can be really helpful) was not enough. Meds saved my life. If you haven't looked into it... just a suggestion. I hate to read of your suffering and hope you can find your way out of it. Don't close yourself away. Find the help you need. It may never go away altogether, but it can be managed so well that you won't recognize yourself when you discover how much the depression has colored everything in your life.

Dean Grey said...

Random!

I appreciate all of your suggestions and sound advice!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anonymous!

I know but online friends can't replace face-to-face ones and sometimes you just need to be loved in person.

*sigh*

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Stan!

Thank you for the prayers!

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Mitch!

But isn't medication a short-term solution? Otherwise I'd have to be medicated my whole life.

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Thanks to all of you for weighing in here!

-Dean

randuwa said...

And I have a couple house plants that I've cared for over 20 years that came to me from my grandmother--ancient Christmas Cacti!

Jolly Roger said...

Every morning we have a chance to begin the life from new page.

Mind Of Mine said...

I really hate reading this stuff from you, I hate knowing what has caused it.

I hate knowing you were on the edge of glory and then slipped backwards.

jason said...

ditto to what Random said up there.
(taking note of that myself in fact)

I'm sending you good vibes up there too, for what it's worth. :)
It can't hurt, I figure.

Dean Grey said...

randuwa!

I have a pothos plant that's been alive since I was in grade school. They've almost become like my children!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jolly Roger!

Ah, but what if it's the same thing day after day?

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Mind Of Mine!

Me too, Ian. Me too.

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Jason!

Thanks for the good vibes, sir!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate all of you commenting!

-Dean

Jolly Roger said...

To receive that never had, it is necessary to make that never did.

For an example: If you want to change abruptly the life …
… will strike "Mercedes" which has braked at a crossroads a brick on a windshield … (it is a joke :-))

And if it is serious - it is necessary to start to realize your dreams. What dreams at you is? Think!
(Excuse for my awful English)

Dean Grey said...

Jolly Roger!

My main goal is to live a life solely off my creative endeavors. As more and more time goes on, I'm starting to think that's less and less realistic.

*sigh*

-Dean

Anonymous said...

I have depression too so I know it can be hellish to live with .ANd I know EXACTLY what yo mean about anti-depressants and how one would be dependent of them for the rest of one's life. It sure is a scary thought.

Change is the key. Even minor changes can help alleviate depression like... brushing your teeth with the opposite hand, redecorating a room, taking a different route to work etc... it worked for me so I thought I'd chime in with my bit of advice.



It has been a pleasure visiting your blog. So mush beauty in your art, your expression, your light. Keeping shining and everything will be all right. Enjoy the rain, let it wash away your sorrows.

Love and peace and hugs,

xoxo,

Amar

Dean Grey said...

Anonymous!

Thanks for the advice and kind words, Amar.

I like the idea of making changes, even really small ones, to help break up the routine of life.

I'll definitely be giving that a try!

-Dean