Sunday, January 15, 2012

We failed at love.


If you asked me a couple months back, I'd tell you I secretly planned on moving to Kentucky sometime late spring or early summer of this year to be closer to my newly appointed boyfriend.

But all of that has changed now.

We talked on the phone for a long time last week and both decided it would be easier on him if we were "just friends".

While I understood where he was coming from, I still believe we could've made it work if we tried harder and fought for it.

We both love and care for each other but I don't know what else to do.

If he pulls back and feels we're not as compatible as we once were, what choice do I have but to honor that? After all, it takes two people for a relationship to succeed, not one.

Little indicators along the way made me question if his feelings were changing but I assumed it was part of the progression from courting--a cutesy type of affection--to a quieter and deeper love....or maybe I just didn't want to accept that things weren't going well.

When all is said and done, we didn't see it through all the way.

We gave up and ended it.

And I can't help feeling like we failed at love.

30 comments:

tamayn said...

Love is never easy. Things have a way of working out though. *hugs* Feel better!

JuJu said...

I think when we love, there is no failure. We live, love and learn.

Sending love your way Dean.

naturgesetz said...

There is no law that says every budding relationship has to endure and "succeed," so I wouldn't say you guys failed. To keep at a relationship which one is not comfortable in is more of a failure, IMO. (I'm not talking about a marriage, where after getting to know each other well, the couple have solemnly committed to a lifetime together.) But you were getting to know each other, and each had to decide if he was prepared to make a long term commitment. So even though you feel bad about it now, it's probably better than if you had actually moved to Kentucky and then he had decided that it wasn't working.

What you can take from this is the knowledge that you are attractive to others, and that the possibility of a satisfying relationship exists, even though he didn't turn out to be the one.

*hugs*

Bek said...

There's no such thing as a failure--just a stepping stone on the way to the right person. Those "failures" help you to recognize the success. If genuine love came easily, it wouldn't be worth it. Deep breaths...deep cleansing breaths. This HAD to happen to get back on the right path. Thinking of you.

Michelle said...

I'm sorry this ended, Dean. However, I can't help but think there is just the right fella for you, maybe even in your own beloved Windy City. You deserve a guy who will go the distance with you.

Love and hugs to you!

Ask the Cool Cookie said...

Sweetie - Take it from someone who was a lot like you at your age, you should never have to fight for love.

Being in a relationship takes work - you on your part, and he on his. But if you have to fight for it in the beginning, its not going to make it.

For me, I wanted it so bad that I would have done anything to make it happen. Then a met this guy and I fought like hell for it - for nine years eleven months and two weeks before it dawned on me that there was friendship, but never the love that I wanted.

And then a funny thing happened, I ended it, and while it was hard, I discovered the love that I had been seeking was really within the whole time.

And then an even stranger thing happened, I bumped into a friend from long ago and found that because I was confident in who I was, I could love him for who he was. And vice versa.

Yeah, I had to kiss lot of frogs looking for a prince, but in the end I realized that I had to go through what I went through to get to where I was when he rentered my life, and he had to go through the same things to be ready for me. And 15 years later it's pretty damn awesome, but we had to grow to a point where this could be what it is.

Your journey continues. That you opened yourself up is great. Keep the faith, and when you find the one you know that it fits like should.

Emily said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better! Everything has a way of working out in the end.

Marty said...

:'-(

stanw said...

Dear Dean,

I have no magic words to offer you, but just know you are in my thoughts and you're not alone, you are loved my friend. {{{HUGS}}}

Stan

Anonymous said...

I'm in NYC and married somebody from Kansas. But it wasn't easy. -- And now he's away at a graduate program. Even more separation. It's still difficult.

Velvet_Heaven said...

Oh my. I'm sorry to read this :( I have pretty much gone through the same thing and I'm terribly sorry things didn't turn out well for the two of you

Dean Grey said...

tamayn!

I won't be feeling better anytime soon but thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JuJu!

I could use some love right about now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

naturgesetz!

I think that's why I was so hesitant in the beginning about giving up everything and moving out to Kentucky.

I was afraid he'd change his mind once I got there. So I took things slower and pushed the move back several months to see how things played out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bek!

It saddens me to think this HAD to happen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michelle!

Yes, maybe someone here in Chicago.

Someday.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ask the Cool Cookie!

Your comment gives me hope!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emily!

Thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marty!

That's pretty much how I'm feeling about it too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stan!

(((HUGS))) back at you, sir!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anonymous!

I'm wishing you two the best of luck!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Velvet_Heaven!

I'm sorry about it as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone's supportive words during this difficult time mean a lot to me!

-Dean

becca said...

aw honey i'm so sorry to hear that wish there was something i could say to make it better. HUGS

BosGuy said...

You are right that it takes two to make a relationship work, but it's a bitter pill to swallow.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

My heart is sad for you, but know that if it happened once, it will happen again.

jason said...

I'm sorry.
I've been there....all too many times.
ahem

It always hurts, but, cliche as it is, it's better to love and lost..than, well, you know...it really is.

Kyle Leach said...

Dean, I'm really sorry things didn't work out between you and JP. Try not to think of it as a failure. It seems like both of you had wonderful experiences together and created great memories. Hardly a failure. Sending you warm thoughts on this very cold day.

Carl's Laptop said...

Hi Dean:

Ahhh..you didn't fail at love, hon, it just didn't work out. There are reasons why it didn't. You may see them now, you may see them more clearly in the future, you may not ever see them and resent anyone who tells you they were there all along. Been there, done all of the above from both perspectives.
Be open to what's to come for you. You never know where a random turn will take you and who will be there waiting for you.
Keep working, go out to a bar or club once in a while but not every time you feel down. Volunteer somewhere, instead. Trust me, it's a lot healthier. You might not meet someone doing it, but you'll be in better position to appreciate it when it happens.
babe...I'm around if you need to talk.

Mind Of Mine said...

I think he failed at love...

Reading between the lines, there was nothing you could have done different, you are who you are, if he couldn't get that then you weren't compatible.

It's just one of those things.

spiky said...

im loveless and very much available...im not into fling. hahahahaha. love hurts though. nice blog.

a cheerful visit from philippines. :)

H A R R Y G O A Z said...

Now you have more time to paint new chapters, Dean.

Have a SUPER week!

Phoenix said...

I'm really sorry, Dean. ((((HUGS))))

Dean Grey said...

Becca!

That's sweet of you to say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BosGuy!

Bitter indeed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ken!

I hope so but am afraid it might not happen again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason!

I agree. I'm grateful to have had it for a little while at least.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kyle!

Me and JP definitely had good memories together, it's just it was all so short-lived.

*sigh*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carl!

Thank you for your wise words, sir!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mind Of Mine!

I understand where you're coming from, Ian, but in the end he and I are both alone, so to me we both lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

spiky!

"Loveless and available".

I need to get that printed on a shirt so I can wear it around Chicago!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H A R R Y G O A Z!

Perhaps but I've been so down lately I don't feel much like drawing or painting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phoenix!

Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All of your kind comments are greatly appreciated!

-Dean

Nicholas said...

I agree strongly with what Bek said, "There's no such thing as a failure--just a stepping stone on the way to the right person."

We can't expect every relationship to work out. The best we can do is give it everything we have appropriate to the situation, and if that doesn't work out, then, ultimately, you will be happier without the person.

I find each guy teaches me things about myself that, in the end, make me a better person. The disappointment hurts, but soon, if not already, you will begin to realize some important truths about yourself. And it's likely that those things will be the realization of positive aspects of yourself.

Okay, call me sometime, aye? Or at least IM.

Dean Grey said...

Nicholas!

I'm sure I will learn things from this experience down the road but right now I'm still immersed in the loss of it all and can't really see much else.

In time, I suppose.

-Dean

Chelle said...

It does take two. And it's always the real loss of the person who gives up and does not want to try. I know you want to, all you have to do is find the other person who will too. Give it time. I know all what we say can't make it better, but eventually it will. :)

Summer said...

Oh Dean!
I am sorry to read this. I have been out of the blog loop for a bit.
I hope the pain is getting less with each day.
I agree with all the posters...you did not fail. I understand how you feel that way though.
Sending you tons of hugs for strength as this too shall pass. New love is out there my friend.

Dean Grey said...

Chelle!

I will give it time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summer!

New love is out there....somewhere!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to the pair of you!

-Dean

Dean Scott said...

Maybe I should read all of 2012 before commenting on this. If this is out of line I apologize in advance.

After dating a couple of weeks I told they guy from two years ago that I loved him. I said I hoped he knew that from my actions, but I wanted him to hear me say those three words.

He said that he knew I loved him and that he loved me. The purpose for dating was to see if we liked each other. That made sense because I've had conversations with other people about love vs like.

What surprised me after we ended our relationship was that we still loved and liked each other. We had too many differences, though, in that we had no shared interests and some huge gaps in a few significant issues.

I may have a few more thoughts as I read more of your blog. I'll leave it to your discretion as to whether or not you publish or respond to the comments.

Dean Grey said...

Dean!

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be for you and your guy (or me and mine) at that time.

No one will know for sure.

All we can do now is look forward and hope New Love finds us.

-Dean