Saturday, January 28, 2012

It only takes a moment.....

"He held me for an instant
But his arms felt safe and strong
It only takes a moment
To be loved a whole life long."

He used to leave singing voicemails on my phone.

He'd call me "sweets", "babycakes", "babydoll", and "sweetcheeks" (he's a goofball like that).

I'd get cutesy texts throughout the day, everyday from him.

I miss it. Terribly. But that's all over now.

When I'm alone....and lonely, my mind wanders back to what we had.

Those quiet times during the day when I'd normally hear from him are now more noticeable. The nights are especially hard too and every time I see a full moon I think of the Neko Case song he sang to me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Although I mourn the loss of what could've been, I'm still quite grateful to have had those five months with him, no matter how short-lived.

"And this is all
That love's about

And we'll recall when time runs out

That it only took a moment
To be loved a whole life long!"

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Happy Anniversary... my blog which turns THREE today.

It's allowed me to connect with some wonderful people and saved me on more than one occasion.

A place to create, express, vent, and share. I'm so grateful to have it and all of you in my life right now.

Happy Birthday, Exploding Doughnut!


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Buying myself always.

Now that I'm working 30 hours (or less) a week, I should be saving more but my saddened heart needed to get these BAD.

3 1/2 dozen snapdragons just for me.

Purples, peaches, yellows, and whites overflowing from slender stalks.

A bit of comfort during this difficult time.

And yet, even if I had the money to buy every last flower in the store it still wouldn't be enough right now.

(((HUGS))), (((HUGS))), and more (((HUGS))) to me.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

We failed at love.

If you asked me a couple months back, I'd tell you I secretly planned on moving to Kentucky sometime late spring or early summer of this year to be closer to my newly appointed boyfriend.

But all of that has changed now.

We talked on the phone for a long time last week and both decided it would be easier on him if we were "just friends".

While I understood where he was coming from, I still believe we could've made it work if we tried harder and fought for it.

We both love and care for each other but I don't know what else to do.

If he pulls back and feels we're not as compatible as we once were, what choice do I have but to honor that? After all, it takes two people for a relationship to succeed, not one.

Little indicators along the way made me question if his feelings were changing but I assumed it was part of the progression from courting--a cutesy type of affection--to a quieter and deeper love....or maybe I just didn't want to accept that things weren't going well.

When all is said and done, we didn't see it through all the way.

We gave up and ended it.

And I can't help feeling like we failed at love.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Fun with cats!

They stare at me every morning during work.

Those big eyes, tiny noses, and innocent furry faces.

At times I swear I could hear meowing.

I'll often mention not liking the arts-and-crafts store I work at. To add insult to injury, adorning the wall of my workspace is a calendar (NOT picked out by me) of cats.

Even though I was always more of a dog person, I certainly have nothing against felines.....however there's only so many cutesy images I can take.

Cats in a bag, kittens on a pillow, cats sleeping.

It was starting to get on my nerves. So sickeningly sweet!

Having a drawer full of markers at my disposal, I couldn't help myself.

Throughout this past year, month by month, I'd "enhance" each calendar image. It's my one real joy at that job and perhaps it's my way of saying, enough with the cute cats!

Here are some of my favorites.....

French cats!

Strange cats!

Hipster cat! (I was told this one looked like me)

Punk cat!

Ha--what fun!

Now that the new year started, I had to pick out a new calendar for work. The naughty side of me couldn't resist and I chose "Kittens 2012".

Time to get out the sharpie.

Hee hee hee.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Three becomes two.

I couldn't help but look down while walking to work that day.

I got there early to clean out the rest of my locker.

This past weekend marked my last day at my city job.

I've known my coworkers for almost five years now and though that job wore me down and depressed me, it still felt like home and I will miss it.

But there's something very fitting about getting laid off at the start of the new year. Letting go of things that weighed me down.

There really was no future there or room to advance. Hopefully when the city recalls us in a year or so, asking if I want my job back, I can tell them no thank you, that I found something much better.

At least I'm still working my two other part-time jobs and now I'll have 20 additional hours each week to draw, catch up on sleep, whatever. Actual days off to do what I like.

Now that I'm down one job I have to make the most of that extra time!