Sunday, July 31, 2011

Returning to color.....

After completing "Blood Butterfly" other bloggers suggested I embrace ALL colors again. Ever since, I've been on a quest for every hue not just one.

And so the journey begins.....

With time to kill before work, I wanted to sit by the lakefront.

Look what I found waiting for me.....

What the what?!?

This is definitely new.

Running along the median strip at Congress Pkwy in Grant Park were brightly painted planks and 2x4's.

Of various heights and widths, they were intermixed with the flowers and shrubbery.

Look at all that thick wood!

I found it an odd way to decorate a garden space especially in the heart of the city yet it did add instant color and structure to this narrow patch of green.

Affordable, practical, and unique!

Those cosmos really POP against the lime green coleus and the sky blue boards!

Do you see the Willis Sears Tower?

And if you think about it, the posts do mimic the towering skyline.


Buckingham Fountain in the distance.....

A winning combination!

I've been having such a rough time and needed something like this.

Thank you, my dear Windy City.

Slowly but surely I'm returning to color.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Too many bad days.

I had a brief yet poignant discussion with a coworker at the arts-and-crafts store I work at.

We agreed life itself is sacred and should be joyous but that the human element is what can make things miserable.

"You just have to expect there will be horrible days," he said. "Just realize that there'll be good ones too."

"But what happens if I'm having way too many bad days," I asked, "and almost no good ones?"

My coworker replied, "Then you have to look at yourself because something inside you needs to change."

*deep sigh*

It's not looking good, Astro Boy!

While I agree with his response, it left me frustrated with more questions.

What the fuck am I supposed to be changing?

He implied I should alter my perspective on things yet that doesn't change the circumstances. Isn't it more or less a temporary band-aid over a gaping wound? Simply masking the problems instead of getting rid of them?

When all is said and done, I still have to deal with the reality of things. And I'm SO TIRED of having too many bad days!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Unable to fly.

With damaged wings, its chance for freedom breaks off into colorful bits.

Desperate to escape and not sure where to turn to.

Ah, I can understand that.

There's an art fundraiser this weekend to raise awareness/money to combat human trafficking in Chicago and abroad. Here's the painting I created and donated for the charity event.

"Unable to fly"
Acrylic paint on gessoboard - 6" x 6" (NFS)

:::: Close-up detail ::::

I've always associated butterflies with a beautiful kind of freedom so it seemed appropriate here. One of the people behind the event said the painting captured what the fundraiser was all about.

Unfortunately there's a flat fee of $30 at the door which guarantees each attendee a work of art to take home with them. I do believe this could've fetched a much higher price but it's their rules not mine. Perhaps those that see the painting will be moved to donate more to this important cause.

And while I've never been a victim of human trafficking, I think I can relate to what they must be feeling.

Isolated, broken, and like this butterfly....unable to fly.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Escape artist.

Escape - v. To break loose from confinement; get free.

It feels like I'm running on a gigantic hamster wheel. Going faster and faster thinking, Maybe if I keep pushing a little more but I end up exhausted, in circles, literally right where I started.

I go to work at the arts-and-crafts store in the morning and think, At least I can get away from the house for a bit. Afterwards, as I start my city job I tell myself, At least I can get away from the crafts store for a while. And then when I get home I think, At least I can get away from my city job for today.

And so it goes, day after day. Escaping one depressing situation only to enter another. A never-ending cycle. It can be hellish at times and difficult not having any foreseable way out of it.

Sometimes it feels like death is the only means of escape.

This must change. Something good needs to come my way SOON.

My soul screams to be way or another.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Sex blood death.

To me green represents nature and growth....a calming energy.

It used to be my favorite color (specifically a rich, medium green with blue in it) and deep down I'm certain it still is.

But lately I've been drawn to red. An intense, deep scarlet.

It makes me think of blood which not only signifies life but the loss of life too.

On those all too often despondent days, I keep fixating on slitting my throat and wrists, visualizing all the red gushing forth. A very violent flow of crimson.

Red has also been associated with heated passion. And since I'm so sexually repressed, I see that color as an excitable, raw love.

It's a color known to represent rage as well. At times I feel a deep frustration from within waiting to EXPLODE.

Here's a painting I completed this weekend just trying to get it all out.....

"Blood Butterfly"
Watercolors and ink on watercolor paper - 6" x 6" (SOLD)

Is it normal to switch a lifetime-long favorite color for another? Is going from green to red a sign I'm changing? Is it a temporary thing or a permanent change?

Is changing colors mimicking the despair I'm feeling?

Your guess is as good as mine.....

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Somebody to love.

"Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can't barely stand on my feet
(Take a look at yourself) Take a look in the mirror (In the mirror) and cry (And I cry)
Lord what you're doing to me? (Yeah, yeah)
I have spent all my years in believing you (Ooh, believing you)
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, (Somebody), ooh somebody (Somebody)
Can anybody find me somebody to love?"

It must be, it must be wonderful holding someone else's hand. Having them give you soft kisses, caressing your face, and holding you tightly when you need it most.

It's been so very long I no longer remember.

*deep sigh*

Now seeing couples and families walking around the city are a painful reminder just how single I am.

How I long to be in a relationship so very badly. At times it hurts and can be quite frustrating.

For instance, I saw a masculine gay couple on the train the other day.

They were near my age, both incredibly attractive. One lean and athletic, the other built and insanely muscular (my exact type).

I watched them lock eyes and smile at each other.

I wondered how they met. How long they've been together and if I'll ever meet someone like that.

Don't I deserve to have that too?

I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath to prevent myself from crying on the ride home.

"I work (He works hard) every day of my life
I work 'til I ache my bones
At the end (At the end of the day) I take home (Goes home) my hard earned pay all on my own
(Goes home on his own)
I get down (Down) on my knees (Knees) and I start to pray (Praise the Lord)
'Til the tears run down from my eyes, Lord (Ooh, Lord)
Somebody (Somebody), ooh somebody (Please)
Can anybody find me somebody to love?"

Sometimes I wonder if it's God's way of telling me I'm supposed to be alone for whatever reason at this stage of my life. It's not like I've had any offers though.

At this point I've had to lower my standards so much that I'll settle for a guy that's still breathing. Beggars can't be choosers and I'll take whatever crumbs I can get.

Will I ever meet someone that will love me for me, faults and all, and still stick around?

How much longer must I wait? Will it be years? Decades even? I hope I'm long dead if that's the case.

This heart of mine ACHES for somebody to love! Only in my daydreams I guess.....

"Ooh - somebody to love
(Find me somebody to love)
(Find me somebody to love)
Find me, find me, find me somebody to love
(Find me somebody to love)
Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me somebody to love love love!
Find me, find me, find me love."

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Bouncing back?

She clumsily tried quoting scripture to her friend while riding my train home yesterday. And she appeared to be slightly stoned.

I overheard this girl say, "People always bounce back, at least where they were, or even better."

Even in her "impaired" state, what she said made sense and sounded nice but I wonder if it's true for everyone.

I never knew my life could be so consistently terrible.

To be tired and unmotivated most of the time. Working two dead-end jobs that I can't seem to escape from. Depressed and so very alone.

What if that girl on the train was wrong?

What if I can't bounce back and instead continue to sink?

Everything I'm trying doesn't seem to pan out and I don't know what else to do at this point.

I can't imagine things getting even worse yet I fear they will.

Please bear with me. These are the thoughts festering in my head at the moment.....