Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Escape artist.

Escape - v. To break loose from confinement; get free.

It feels like I'm running on a gigantic hamster wheel. Going faster and faster thinking, Maybe if I keep pushing a little more but I end up exhausted, in circles, literally right where I started.

I go to work at the arts-and-crafts store in the morning and think, At least I can get away from the house for a bit. Afterwards, as I start my city job I tell myself, At least I can get away from the crafts store for a while. And then when I get home I think, At least I can get away from my city job for today.

And so it goes, day after day. Escaping one depressing situation only to enter another. A never-ending cycle. It can be hellish at times and difficult not having any foreseable way out of it.

Sometimes it feels like death is the only means of escape.

This must change. Something good needs to come my way SOON.

My soul screams to be way or another.


David Toms said...

Something that always gets me through is the fact that I realise there is always somone more worse off in the world than what I am. Take some time for yourself and do something you really love.

naturgesetz said...


And where do you want to be instead of at work or at home?

JuJu said...

Commit to doing something good for yourself each day, for a week.
Buy yourself some of those Gerber Daisies you like one day.
Have your favorite meal.
Put clean sheets on the bed, and enjoy how good they feel and smell!

Simple things that make you smile and feel better about the hamster wheel.

Then build on those small things!!

Anonymous said...

Something good's going to come your way, Dean. Really. It's only just out of reach.

Moving with Mitchell said...

Ah, Dean, I know that feeling. Wish I had some inspired suggestions. What I CAN tell you is that I don't have those feelings anymore. Keep talking. Keep creating.

GayHermit said...

I am having a number of conflicting reactions to this post. I will attempt to stay positively supportive and ask some questions. You don't have to answer them to us(me), but hopefully the answers you give yourself might help you sort things through.

Are the two jobs helping you to achieve your financial goals?
Would moving in (back in) with a relative allow you to quit one of the jobs and start creating more often? (I don't remember your living situation.)
Is your living situation independence really worth the stress the two jobs are causing you?
Is it possible that you need to start therapy again? (This death as a solution thing has me very concerned.)

I'll be sending an email to you, soon after I get done with this comment. (Hermit version of a "friend request".)

Please try and figure out a way to remove death from your solutions to my life's problems list. You have way too much to offer yourself, and all of the rest of us, for that to be any kind of an option.

Ken Riches said...


I do not like the tone of this entry. I hope you can find some daily joy to help you through, things will get better.

Dean Grey said...

David Toms!

Yes, there are people far worse off than I. I don't necessarily think that fact makes me feel better though.



Working at a job I love. Something creative and artistic.

And I want to be living on my own, not with crazy family members!



Believe me, I'd buy myself flowers everyday if I could but they're very expensive. I just can't afford to do that except every once in a while.

Looks like it'll have to be changing bed sheets for now!



God, I hope you're right about that.



I'm glad you made it through! Maybe one day I will too.



Both of my jobs pay very little and they do NOT help me reach my financial goals!

Currently, I'm living with family because I can't afford to live on my own. The problem is I don't want to be in that dysfunctional environment but don't have much of a choice.

Now does my angst make sense?

And therapy is always an option but it's ridiculously expensive. When I wasn't working last year, I paid $40 a visit. Now that I have two part-time jobs I'll probably no longer qualify for a sliding scale and each visit was normally around $150!

Just way too much money to invest when all it did was make me even more upset.



I hope so too!


Everyone's supportive words are very much appreciated!


naturgesetz said...

"Working at a job I love. Something creative and artistic."
Very good. Could it be something other than simply painting and selling your paintings? Are there jobs where you could do the work you love as an employee? Do you need anything other than luck to get such a job? If all you need is luck, just keep applying until you get lucky ( but if you don't get a job on the first try, ask the employer what more they were looking for). If you need something else to qualify, figure out how to get it.

"And I want to be living on my own, not with crazy family members!" One man's crazy is another man's lovably eccentric. :D
But seriously, keep loking for places you could afford.

All this feels like platitudes, but the basic point is that you've got to be proactive. There is no guarantee, and certainly no timetable. But these things probably won't happen on their own. If you don't take steps to get what you want, you probably won't get it. If you do take even baby steps toward your goals, there is no guarantee, but there is hope.

Don't give up!


jason said...

If you pay enough attention, something good always comes our way soon.
It's just so hard to keep paying attention, I know, though.
good thoughts up there to you, meanhwhile.

bK said...

OMG, Dean! I really wish you do not have to feel so trapped or that you would do anything to hurt yourself!

I'm not sure what type of free social and employment services are offered in your local community, but I urge you to get some help as soon as possible. Could you ask your family members for some help in finding resources to turn your life around? You are much too dear to a lot of us.

Kelley Carey MacDonald said...

If you want to make the world a sadder place... but NO! Dean - when I think of you I SMILE. I LOVE knowing you're keeping Chicago in line with heart and art. Sometimes when those thoughts come - you just have to take it by the hand, as you would a tender child, and remove it from your line of vision. You have 2 crappy jobs. I remember when you did NOT have a job. NOW... let's think about getting you a BETTER job. Work may always be... work. And work kinda sucks. But sometimes you meet lifetime friends there - so lets think about catapulting your everyday work to a place where there are at LEAST people you like. You're such a great guy, crack yourself open and show people. Maybe your aunt would like some company, and would let you move in temporarily, and you could take a student loan to go to illustration (or some such) school? You could still manage a part time job, and kick in a little to her. She'd probably love having someone to help with things like changing the high light bulbs and putting the screens up and down - you LAUGH? I am so grateful when my son visits and does these stupid things for me. Just thinkin' of you... sending you a (((hug)))...

Anonymous said...

Something good will come you way. You are just preparing yourself for it! ;)

Randuwa said...

I agree with Bucko--and that's why I did not respond at first. I do not like the tone of this post. You have surrounded yourself with people who care about you. This post seemed to say to me, screw you who care because it doesn't make any difference to my life. I know that when one is down, it's hard to see the way it impacts others who care.

My better self beat back that impression. So what the fuck can we do? (And I agree with you, the first bit a advise was inane if well meant. Every one's suffering is uniquely their own.) But what can we do? I care VERY much about you. You remind so much of myself when I was your age. And that might as well have been a life lived on Mars for all of the changes in this world since then. Yet I am not so far removed that I don't remember just how desperate I felt. How alone and worthless--and the foolish things that I did because of those feelings.

And then one day, out of the blue, for me, life intervened. I got the thing I wanted most. And that thing gave me both joy and a new kind of sorrow. Out of it, I gained both a place to be and a perspective on all life. On myself, my art, my potential.

And it will happen for you, too! I firmly believe that. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I do know that goodness is all around you, and a day will come when it smacks you square in the forehead until you can no longer ignore it.

Dean, I am a better man for your place in my life. I beg you this consideration: when all else fails, hold onto to the power you have to bless others.

Love, r.

Tammy's Studio said...

I love JuJu's suggestion... I'm going to do it for myself!

Dean Grey said...


I need to be more proactive!



I'll try paying closer attention then!



Brody, my family members need help themselves. I'm afraid there's not much they can do for me.



Good suggestions from you!

Yes, I remember when I didn't have a job at all. That's the only thing getting me through the two I do have.

And, "'re keeping Chicago in line with heart and art" made ME smile!



I like the notion that I'm preparing myself for when something good does come my way.



Believe me when I say I DO realize there are many wonderful bloggers out there that care about me. I'm VERY thankful for that!

It's just when I'm all alone and struggling HERE in Chicago, well, online friends aren't as much of a comfort.

I hope that makes sense.





Thanks to all of you for the kind words!


Rakesh said...

Every now and then do something outside your comfort zone. It's not just one way to kill monotony, but also an opportunity to explore - new interests, new experiences, new people, new places. You did that by going to the pride parade. Keep doing some more of that. About your home situation: it seems having these 2 jobs isn't going to pay for your independent living, so why not keep applying for other jobs while keeping these jobs for now. You never know what you may land.
Good luck!

Dean Grey said...


I'm trying to step out of my comfort zone more and more each day. I'm not always able to but I do try.

And I've been applying for other jobs since I started my city job four years ago!

I just can't seem to get anything else.

*deep sigh*