Sunday, July 3, 2011

Bouncing back?

She clumsily tried quoting scripture to her friend while riding my train home yesterday. And she appeared to be slightly stoned.

I overheard this girl say, "People always bounce back, at least where they were, or even better."

Even in her "impaired" state, what she said made sense and sounded nice but I wonder if it's true for everyone.

I never knew my life could be so consistently terrible.

To be tired and unmotivated most of the time. Working two dead-end jobs that I can't seem to escape from. Depressed and so very alone.

What if that girl on the train was wrong?

What if I can't bounce back and instead continue to sink?

Everything I'm trying doesn't seem to pan out and I don't know what else to do at this point.

I can't imagine things getting even worse yet I fear they will.

Please bear with me. These are the thoughts festering in my head at the moment.....


BB said...

"We Become What We Think of Most". Just think about that over and over. If you consistently think of your negative life you will only life a negative life. You have to train your mind to think of positive things. Find somthing positive each day. It's there but you have got to look for it. This was one of the most influential statements that I ever learned in a self-help class. It changed my life and my way of thinking for the better with some help from me! Life's too short to not find something positive each day and be thankful for it. Sending you hugs!

Joey said...

Dean, my dear friend -

As humans, I believe that we have the ability to bounce back from whatever may come in our lives. Sometimes it takes longer for some and almost no time at all for others. I know you are discouraged and alone at times. I feel your pain in many ways. You are NOT alone. There are so many of us who will be here for you. Just know that with help from friends you will be able to prevail in this life.

Still hoping to see you while I am in Chicago!

Take care!

Anonymous said...

these are thoughts I understand all to well my friend...


Marty said...

I think she's right, difficult times can be long and hard, but they don't last forever. Struggles make you a stronger person, hardships teach you lessons, and going without makes you appreciate when you have something so much more. Just keep going, one day at a time. It'll get better.

Or plan B: go buy yourself a bouncey house, then you can "bounce" back anytime you feel like it :-p

naturgesetz said...

From what I've heard and read the constant feeling of being tired and unmotivated is one of the symptoms of depression.

I remember your post after your visit to the therapist, and how happy I felt for you when I read it. I went back and located it. It was posted on May 11, 2010, and you titled it, "I wrote the word 'hope'....."

Having two jobs doesn't leave you much time for other things, but it would be wonderful if you could regain that hope. I think the way to regain hope is to do what brought it in the first place. Make the time somehow, and start seeing the therapist again.

Your depression probably won't go away on its own, but a good therapist can help you get past it. You're such a fine person, it's sad that you are suffering so much, especially if it doesn't have to continue.


ilduce said...

Yes, dean things WILL get better. I speak from experience.

Anonymous said...

I think... What you have to do is act and think like she was right. That you WILL bounce back.
We all know you can do it.

Anonymous said...

Oh Dean, I could totally write a book on this. I have been in some extraordinarily craptacular situations in life and let's just say that it *IS* possible to bounce back, to re-invent yourself, to undergo a total metamorphosis. Dreaming is easy, life is tough, I get that. But if you are determined and resilient, amazing things can happen. Hang in there, and when you are feeling depressed, remember to keep kicking at the darkness until it bleeds light. I've been there and I know how you feel.

Randuwa said...

I will always bear with you. You are not alone.

Brian said...

Hi Dean. Big bear hugs to ya!
I feel that there might be something more medical than simple personality issues with you. It could be possible that the chemicals in your brain aren’t firing too fast and you might need a little bit of help on that. It might be a good idea to speak to your doctor and they what he/she says about this. Also some anxiety group therapy? As for dropping down into further depths? How many times have you bounced back already? I know at times you will not see any light at the end of the tunnel and any comment would be blocked by how you feel. Burt you know, I have seen you go up and down for so long now, but you know, each time I see you are confident and happier for longer periods. Its not a great situation you are in, that’s true and only YOU can know exactly how you feel at any given time, but if you find it such a challenge to go out and meet people, why not then say to yourself that for now, you will make online a temporary network like going out but really being safe in your own home? You have got to at least be happier in what you are doing so make a list of what makes you happy and (without breaking any laws), do it.
For now you can take or leave what I say. Who am I to tell anyone? All I can offer, (like the rest of the good people online who write to you etc), is genuine care and friendships for as long as you need it. Take one issue at a time, Dean!
Your friend from Ireland,
(sorry for long comment. Eek!)

JuJu said...

I wish I knew the magic words to get through to you to help you realize that it will get better.
The only advice I can offer is to try to take things one day at a time. Sometimes we get so caught up in the long range picture that we can't enjoy where we are at the moment. I know it sounds cliche--
Surround yourself with beauty. Treat yourself. LOVE yourself Dean.

Hollie said...

It feels like a trap, like a festering eternal torture so black and ongoing-will there ever be an escape?

I don't know whether you get the 'yo yo' as well; whether you feel ok for a hour or low for atleast a few days. I know that feeling personally feels like your brain is being grounded down and all one can wonder is, how long for? When will this end-will I ever come out of it or is this me, forever?!

People have said to me concentrate on the small things, those little things which add to making your day sparkle; though for me sometimes even those gems don't seem quite enough to focus on. You feel ugly, you feel undeserved of such 'normal' life luxuries.

For me medication has come into play, and I don't know how long I will be on these anti-depressants for. Therapy should start soon but even that feels like a painful waiting game. It's scary to be by yourself, the only scary part is you-whats most annoying is that I used to really enjoy my company. Now it just seems like I can't bear to even be awake with myself.

I hope you feel better Dean. x

Anonymous said...

Honey, things can ALWAYS get worse...
You just have to be persistent in your refusal to lose.
Success starts out as simply nothing more than that - you won't lose, you are in this to win.
Reaching out is important, and I see you do that in your blog time after time, so don't lose hope now.
You are an amazing artist, and I do mean amazing - some of the work that you post that you don't like is still better than what 99.9%)of the population is even capable of(including me, who is incapable of a decent stick figure).
Keep pushing your limits.
I for one, believe in you.
-Craig from

JJ Roa Rodriguez said...

same feeling different situation..

we will survive this...

God bless! take care!


Shelly said...

Don't give up Dean, things will definitely get better ... you have to put one foot in front of the other - you have to think positively - before you know it your step will be light and your heart will be full. I don't mean to sound condescending - I know how hard life can be.

bK said...


In a counselling session, the psychologist told me to avoid thinking that things will get worse or not bounce back. Instead, she suggested that I could focus on the things that I do well and appreciate myself. It was hard for me to see myself in a more uplifting light, but I can definitely say a lot of good things about you. You're creative, caring, gentle, hardworking, does things with heart, and the list goes on. It might be better if you see someone about how you are feeling. Is there some type of nonprofit/community organization that you can join? You're tough, but it might be easier if you got someone to help you to get a refreshing jumpstart.

Klee said...

i feel your pain and fully friends (yeah I still have some left) keep telling me it'll get better and things will turn around. I'm still waiting....let's not give up quite yet. Hang in there. Take care.

Kyna said...

My husband's favourite saying is 'It all comes out in the wash.'

Every time he tells me that when things are bad, I want to slap him.

Because he's usually right. The bastard.

Konkbonckles said...


Take your left hand - put it on your right shoulder.
Repeat in the opposite, using your right hand.

Now squeeze, hard.

There's a long-distance hug from me to you, via your own arms.

Please don't let your fears get to you.. tell'em where to go and how to get there.

Hope is like faith - Those things unseen, yet expected and known.. and in the expectation does doubt try and move us from where we should be.

stanw said...

I think that for the most part people do bounce back. I know I have been in very negative places emotionally, physically and spiritually but not once have I found myself in a place where I did not bounce back. Sometimes it took a long time and I had to really dig deep and just persevere no matter what it looked like.

You can bounce back, Dean, believe that you have it in you to do so. Persevere and don't give up NO MATTER WHAT!

Bill said...

Sometimes people care about you, and you don't know it. Depression eats away at me all the time, but I keep telling myself the few good times are worth it. Yep, that's what I keep telling myself.

Kerry said...

Hang in there, bud, hang in there. (I know I shouldn't call you "bud." Sorry. It's what I call my sons, though; so.)

It's good to write your thoughts down. Everybody reading your words will support you and wish the best for you. So yeah, hang in there; see it out, no matter how long it takes.

Dean Grey said...

Bouncin' Barb!

I guess.



Thanks for that but having "online friends" isn't quite the same as "in-person friends".


David Allen Waters!

(((HUGS))) back at you, sir!



But what am I supposed to be learning from all of this?



Therapy is way too costly. Plus I'll know longer qualify for a sliding scale now that I'm working two jobs.



I hope you're right!






"...keep kicking at the darkness until it bleeds light."

I love that line!



Thank you!



Yes, I have bounced back many times already but I fear eventually there'll come a time when I won't be able to.



It's just when I take things one day at a time, it feels like it's always the same thing repeating itself.



What you described is EXACTLY what I'm feeling!

My heart goes out to you!



Thank you for believing in me!


Jj Rodriguez!

We WILL survive this!



I am trying.



Brody, I'm not entirely sure what type of organization here in Chicago to join though.

I live far south of the city and all the gay organizations are on the north side.



I shall hang in there!



ha ha



Thanks but a real hug from someone other than me is so much better.



"Persevere and don't give up NO MATTER WHAT!"

I'll do what I can.



But what happens when the few good times get fewer and fewer?



I think you're the first person to call me "bud"!


Everyone's supportive words mean more than you'll know!


RoseRed said...

I've always thought of it more as snapping rather than bouncing. Like a rubber band. And the nucleus where the band is held is the state of our mind. Focus your mind on where you want your life to be. Because that's inevitably where the band will snap back to. No matter how low you might get. And never forget how much you are loved. Don't argue with me. I've read the comments on your blog. You are very loved.

Dean Grey said...


Yes, "snapping back" seems so much more fitting than "bouncing".

No argument from me!