I believed in what we could be but I guess he didn't feel it as strongly as I did. I gave him my heart yet sadly it wasn't enough.....
It was late January of last year. I met him through my blog. It was platonic on my side even though I sensed he wanted more than that.
Things moved along slowly, then I took a chance and things progressed FAST.
By the second month in, I heard from him practically every day.
We would IM with each other all through the night. And like a fool I fell for him without even knowing what he looked like.
He made me feel SPECIAL and I believed it! When I finally saw how good-looking he was it was just icing on the cake.
It all seemed so perfect but.....
He had his issues and I had mine.
His husband died tragically around 18 months prior in a house fire and he never quite mourned that loss, at times telling me he still felt very much married.
When he went back home to visit his family those feelings only intensified and he eventually cut me off COMPLETELY.
A friend of his family's entered the picture and soon enough the two of them not only developed a relationship together but were married less than two months after meeting.
*sigh*
To be "replaced" so quickly and totally didn't feel good. It left me with a lot of unanswered questions and unkept promises and in the end I felt anything but special.
This was a piece of Mail Art I made for him when things were still good between us.....
Markers, ink, and gouache on standard mailing envelope - 5" x 7"
It's supposed to be his hand holding that of his deceased husband.
Close-up detail
Here's the backside.....
Notice the angelic feathers.
Once he broke things off, I sort of put the artwork away, not quite sure what to do with it. Why continue working on it when he's gone?
It'll be a year this month when it all ended for him and me.
Recently I pulled out the uncompleted Mail Art. It represented holding onto something that could never be mine. I needed to finish it so I could let it go once and for all.
A mutual friend between us said I should save it and give to "him" when I see or hear from him again but I don't believe I ever will.
So after completing the artwork I set it to flame and burned it yesterday morning. Fitting I think.
And as I type the words to this post, I went back and finally got rid of all the important e-mails I kept from him. One by one, I deleted each of our IM conversations (yes, as pathetic as it sounds, I saved them all).
I should've done it many, many months ago but I didn't have the heart....it was broken into thousands of pieces.
A part of me will always care about him and want him back but he's clearly moved on with his life and in love with another. And to love someone that doesn't love you back is a form of madness. So I too must move forward, my pieced-together heart open again so new love may enter.
And if by chance he's reading this I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to vomit and cry my eyes out.
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37 comments:
Dean, I can feel your sadness. But let me give you a perspective of mine from what I've read. He was clearly not ready to begin a relationship when you two met. I say this because I too was widowed. He was looking for a replacement and sadly it was you that paid the price. I will bet you that this new marriage will not last long. He's looking to fill the void. I too put a lot of faith in IMs and texts when I started dating again but soon realized who was for real and who was fake. The hurt will go away and you will find another. Be open minded to friendships that may come along and one of them will turn into something good for you.
moving on is hard:( so is setting someone free, but the fire is cleansing in so many ways...hold tight my friend, keep your heart open and Love will find you :)
chin up mate:)
Oh Dean. I am so sorry for your pain. I'm so sorry for his pain.
I think the envelope is beautiful. And, if he had ever seen it, I'm sure he would have been moved at your efforts and how you capture what it all means.
I encourage you to continue moving forward. It's never easy when you lose someone you love. But you're taking steps in the right direction. The universe is pulling you along.
I am thinking of you today Dean, and hoping you feel some glitter from this gal in the south.
xxx
It sounds like the soul purge you need. The weight of all the things you kept was crushing you and keeping you from being able to move on. It's hurty, oh yes, but necessary it sounds like.
It's the Buddhist in me that makes me say: clinging causes suffering. Boy, does it.
But now that it's done, things will change for the better. Hugs!
Sometimes I think this is the reason you are so depressed. You hold onto so many negatives in your life, I am not surprised you find it hard to move on.
The what was and what could have beens, they are no way to live your life.
Once again I am probably going to sound harsh but I refuse to molly coddle you like some do.
Snap out of it!
*hugs*
You can't trust anyone you meet on off the Internets!
Jesus I so much want to hug you as a friend this moment, unfortunately this won't help you much. Sending some good thoughts your direction, I know it sounds poor, but this is all I have.
"...to love someone that doesn't love you back is a form of madness."
Oh how pitifully true. I've been there recently. It was a five year affair, but I've put it past me now. Did I understand that you never actually met face to face?
You seem to be more decisive than I, in that you divorced yourself of those reminders. Good for you!
Now...forget about the vomit part. Cry, and smile at someone else... You're better than all that!!
Rick
Dean you never cease to amaze me. Why you can't seem to harness that strength to help yourself live the life you want - well I wish you could. You are such a loving kind thoughtful soul and the world is a better place because you are in it. (Don't you dare argue that point with me.) We don't get to choose who loves us, nor who we love. It is an involuntary emotion but also the greatest blessing - and you have that ability in abundance. Keep yourself "out there" so the right one for you can find you! (((((hugs)))))
It takes strength to love someone and strength to move on from them. I see no coward here.
I adore your art. He would have been very fortunate to have had it, but I'm glad you did what you feel you had to do.
*hugs from Canada*
oh wow dean, this is incredibly sad and freeing.
My wordless wednesday post is specifically for you.
Very big hugs to you. I hope that you feel better soon.
Oh gentle heart! It isn't sad at all that you saved all the IMs. Love is very powerful. I send you tons of love and hugs. I hope another truer love enters your life soon. I am sorry this person did this to you. You deserve so much better.
Hugs!
Wow, that's tough :'(. I felt awful reading how you felt when he took you for granted. Perhaps he didn't mean to take you for granted? His husband died, and so he wanted to escape his loss immediately and found you without really considering his actions. I am curious how his life is now after getting married. Maybe the guy he married is just another means of escape.
This is slightly off-topic. That part about you saving the important emails and IMs: I am doing that right now with the text messages I get from my crush (aka Chlorophyll). I don't think he ever really liked me that way. He will be leaving the city soon, and I will have to delete the messages I have saved and move on, but I still feel some sort of attachment to him.
i know what you are going through...and so was my love for him for 3 yrs waiting for him to come back...then i realised that physical proximity is very much required for a relationship to blossom...i hope no more online loves, better be it in person...have a good day ahead
That's a kind of pain I would never wish on anyone else, and I am so sorry you had to go through that :(
I wish you the best. Sometimes, things like this happen for a reason, to make you stronger. Don't let it blind you to the possibilities of true love out there, that is waiting for you right now.
All the best :D
That's so sad. And it's not stupid you kept the IM's and whatnot. We all do things we wish we didn't do but as long as your can move on and or learn then it's fine. I'm glad you were able to move on, able to burn and delete the baggage. It's better this way, if he was able to move on so quickly then you were not the one. You can find the person for you now without the distraction. xoxo
Dean, I don't know anyone who is so honest and transparent. You wear your heart on your sleeve, as they say.
In my experience, any relationship that starts before one has had a chance to grieve a loss, be it death or divorce, is doomed.
I think the relationship you shared with this guy was a diversion for him - you were a way to help him heal. It sucks for you.
Your mail art was beautiful and thoughtful, but I can understand why you burned it. I hope that act was a catharsis for you.
Nothing's trite about loss. You had a loss, and I hope someday you can look from a distance, and say it was probably too soon for him, and also .... it was meant to be, so you could get your REAL love! I'm sorry you've been dealing with this pain as well as all the other stuff in your life. But.... open your eyes, open your heart - you will find joy....
You don't seem mad. Even a year later, I would be furious. It was so abrupt.
You're a good writer Dean.
This is amazing work you are doing. The art is mind boggling! Just absolutely amazing!
Bouncin' Barb!
I shall be open-minded to friendships!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
David Allen Waters!
I appreciate that, sir!
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JuJu!
"The universe is pulling you along."
I like that notion!
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Holly!
I hope you're right about things changing for the better!
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Mind Of Mine!
But Ian, am I not supposed to have any feelings at all?
Artist are naturally sensitive. Perhaps you don't understand that about me.
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Marty!
I could use them right about now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LightChaser!
Um Dave, I met YOU off the internet, didn't I?
I guess you can't be trusted! (Just teasing!)
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MartininBroda!
Thank you for that!
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R. Burnett Baker!
Rick, I'm sorry to hear you can relate to this.
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David K Small!
I've been "out there" long enough and have nothing to show for it.
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Rachel!
Canadian Hugs RULE!
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n.lea.!
Nikki, your Wordless Wednesday post made me smile!
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Michael!
I hope so too!
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Summer!
"I hope another truer love enters your life soon."
That would be wonderful!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
bK!
Brody, I was told by our mutual friend that "he" is happy so that's all I know about his second marriage.
I'm sorry to hear about Chlorophyll. If he's not interested after tasting your baked goods then good riddance to him!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chandan!
In-person is always better but that's not the way it always works out!
(((HUGS))) to you!
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Liz!
That's very sweet of you to say!
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Chelle!
Time will tell if that's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carol!
I believe you are right about me helping to heal his heart. Too bad mine got broken in the process.
And yes, burning the Mail Art, although incredibly sad and painful, did help.
Once I finished it, it was officially "his" and I saw no point to hold onto it if I'd never see him again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kelley!
I am opening my eyes and heart!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie!
I was disappointed, frustrated, and deeply depressed more than anything.
I've never been one to express anger.
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Paintings and Wanderings!
I try my best!
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Panicking Girl!
What a nice compliment!
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All of your supportive words mean A LOT to me!
-Dean
Of course I get that you are sensitive, but it also works the other way.
You should also be finding the beauty of life in the smallest places. I get down just like you, to the point where I have tried to end my life. But I don't dwell on it now, I think you may need to get professional help, you can't keep living like this.
I know you have it in you, you can make necessary decisions to find your happiness, like when you jumped on a plane to the other side of the world, you just need to learn to trust your first instincts.
I didn't say before because I knew others would--but you did right here. Passings need ceremonies. Fire is quintessentially ceremonial. You never cease to amaze me. In your darkest hours you choose light. You understand how death leads to rebirth. How a "Period" is only a segway to the next "Capital Letter." I can't wait to see what new sentence you write; even as I know it will be precious and tenderly beautiful.
Mind Of Mine!
I already find beauty in the smallest things in life. As an artist, I think I see more than most people.
"...you just need to learn to trust your first instincts."
Ah, now this I agree with, Ian. Maybe one day I'll push past the fear and do just that!
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Randy!
"Passings" is an appropriate word for this post!
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Thanks to both of you gentlemen!
-Dean
Heartbreaking + Beautiful
No No No do not want him back, he is not good enough for you! A broken heart is the worst kind of pain but you are too smart, talented and handsome to be alone forever - some lucky person will find you...the mail art was incredible, insightful and poignant - I really loved the thought of holding my loved one's hand - even in death.
Shelly!
Thanks for this.
Yeah, I know his first husband was such an important person to him that even after death their bond just wouldn't break....and that's a good thing.
-Dean
this post breaks my heart in so many ways and for so many reasons.
Aaron!
Mine too, sir. Mine too.
-Dean
Wow, wow, wow!
Liberty!
Thanks for taking a look at this older blogpost.
This Mail Art meant a great deal to me as did the person it represented.
I'm glad you found my blog!
-Dean
Another profound post, Dean. It brings back the memories of the guy I dated two years ago. He initiated the break but tried to pick it up before the holidays last year. I've moved on and did not see any reason to go back to him. Being with someone who is wrong for me is worse than being alone.
Dean!
The thing is, I don't think he was wrong for me.
:(
-Dean
I'm sorry that it did not work out. The first guy I dated broke off contact. He did not say why, but he said a few days earlier that his former boyfriend wanted to get back together. I don't know if that's what happened. He stopped returning my calls, so I stopped calling.
Dean!
:/
-Dean
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