I believed in what we could be but I guess he didn't feel it as strongly as I did. I gave him my heart yet sadly it wasn't enough.....
It was late January of last year. I met him through my blog. It was platonic on my side even though I sensed he wanted more than that.
Things moved along slowly, then I took a chance and things progressed FAST.
By the second month in, I heard from him practically every day.
We would IM with each other all through the night. And like a fool I fell for him without even knowing what he looked like.
He made me feel SPECIAL and I believed it! When I finally saw how good-looking he was it was just icing on the cake.
It all seemed so perfect but.....
He had his issues and I had mine.
His husband died tragically around 18 months prior in a house fire and he never quite mourned that loss, at times telling me he still felt very much married.
When he went back home to visit his family those feelings only intensified and he eventually cut me off COMPLETELY.
A friend of his family's entered the picture and soon enough the two of them not only developed a relationship together but were married less than two months after meeting.
To be "replaced" so quickly and totally didn't feel good. It left me with a lot of unanswered questions and unkept promises and in the end I felt anything but special.
This was a piece of Mail Art I made for him when things were still good between us.....
Markers, ink, and gouache on standard mailing envelope - 5" x 7"
It's supposed to be his hand holding that of his deceased husband.
Here's the backside.....
Once he broke things off, I sort of put the artwork away, not quite sure what to do with it. Why continue working on it when he's gone?
It'll be a year this month when it all ended for him and me.
Recently I pulled out the uncompleted Mail Art. It represented holding onto something that could never be mine. I needed to finish it so I could let it go once and for all.
A mutual friend between us said I should save it and give to "him" when I see or hear from him again but I don't believe I ever will.
So after completing the artwork I set it to flame and burned it yesterday morning. Fitting I think.
And as I type the words to this post, I went back and finally got rid of all the important e-mails I kept from him. One by one, I deleted each of our IM conversations (yes, as pathetic as it sounds, I saved them all).
I should've done it many, many months ago but I didn't have the heart....it was broken into thousands of pieces.
A part of me will always care about him and want him back but he's clearly moved on with his life and in love with another. And to love someone that doesn't love you back is a form of madness. So I too must move forward, my pieced-together heart open again so new love may enter.
And if by chance he's reading this I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to vomit and cry my eyes out.