Maybe another year.....

I just try to get this day over with as quickly as possible.

Always thinking that by this time next year I'll have met someone, found a better job, gotten to travel the world, and made something out of my art.

I turn 32 today and don't have any of those things. Another year older and still not where I want to be in life.

*sigh*

Maybe another year.....

Me turning six-years-old!

What becomes of the broken-hearted?

I believed in what we could be but I guess he didn't feel it as strongly as I did. I gave him my heart yet sadly it wasn't enough.....

It was late January of last year. I met him through my blog. It was platonic on my side even though I sensed he wanted more than that.

Things moved along slowly, then I took a chance and things progressed FAST.

By the second month in, I heard from him practically every day.

We would IM with each other all through the night. And like a fool I fell for him without even knowing what he looked like.

He made me feel SPECIAL and I believed it! When I finally saw how good-looking he was it was just icing on the cake.

It all seemed so perfect but.....

He had his issues and I had mine.

His husband died tragically around 18 months prior in a house fire and he never quite mourned that loss, at times telling me he still felt very much married.

When he went back home to visit his family those feelings only intensified and he eventually cut me off COMPLETELY.

A friend of his family's entered the picture and soon enough the two of them not only developed a relationship together but were married less than two months after meeting.

*sigh*

To be "replaced" so quickly and totally didn't feel good. It left me with a lot of unanswered questions and unkept promises and in the end I felt anything but special.

This was a piece of Mail Art I made for him when things were still good between us.....

Markers, ink, and gouache on standard mailing envelope - 5" x 7"

It's supposed to be his hand holding that of his deceased husband.

Close-up detail

Here's the backside.....

Notice the angelic feathers.

Once he broke things off, I sort of put the artwork away, not quite sure what to do with it. Why continue working on it when he's gone?

It'll be a year this month when it all ended for him and me.

Recently I pulled out the uncompleted Mail Art. It represented holding onto something that could never be mine. I needed to finish it so I could let it go once and for all.

A mutual friend between us said I should save it and give to "him" when I see or hear from him again but I don't believe I ever will.

So after completing the artwork I set it to flame and burned it yesterday morning. Fitting I think.

And as I type the words to this post, I went back and finally got rid of all the important e-mails I kept from him. One by one, I deleted each of our IM conversations (yes, as pathetic as it sounds, I saved them all).

I should've done it many, many months ago but I didn't have the heart....it was broken into thousands of pieces.

A part of me will always care about him and want him back but he's clearly moved on with his life and in love with another. And to love someone that doesn't love you back is a form of madness. So I too must move forward, my pieced-together heart open again so new love may enter.

And if by chance he's reading this I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to vomit and cry my eyes out.

One of these days.....

I imagine it being read condescendingly. Its words taunting me for all to see.

While strolling through Grant Park I stumbled upon the following quote taped to a park bench:

"Time changes more than you ever will."

And it made me wonder how much I changed....if at all.

I think life just kind of happens to me and I sort of accept it. I really can't recall making any significant changes in my life.

Perhaps that's why I'm stuck and going nowhere fast.

I guess I gave up trying to alter things that seemed out of my control....or at least that's the lie I keep telling myself.

One of these days I'm going to outdo Father Time and make MORE changes than he ever could!

One of these days.....

Detour.....

Yesterday was supposed to be my last day at work but it's not over just yet.

She gave me an interesting offer.

The store manager at the arts-and-crafts store asked if I wanted to be a cashier even though I expressed disinterest working on the floor.

She said I could always try it for a week then quit if I didn't like it.

Everyone I talked to said that sounded like a good idea so I agreed.

When I lost my job at the crafts store I assumed it was a sign to pursue my art but now this happened.

Is it fate keeping me there? Is it meant to be that I stay or go? Now I'm no longer sure.

There are still so many people out of work right now and to turn this down seems wrong. And the desire to live on my own has become too strong and I'll need the additional income if I'm to finally break away from family.

This will definitely eat into my free-time to create but for now my art gets pushed to the side yet again.

As I turned in my work keys for the last time, I felt relieved. Yesterday was the last deposit I'd do. No more putting up HUNDREDS of price activation labels or receiving shipments or balancing the change drawer or any of the many other responsibilities they gave to me.

I'm already getting anxious at the thought of working the registers and dealing DIRECTLY with the customers though.

But I will try.

Once again, while walking in between jobs, I saw this street sign and thought it summed up everything nicely.....

Gotta. Go. Bad!

Something was amiss.

Rows of them were here, there, and just about everywhere!

They reminded me of a giant blue maze that's been disassembled and scattered about.

I'm talking about these.....

Holy crap! (no pun intended)

While walking around downtown before work, I spotted these porta-potties littered throughout Grant Park. They were for the Shamrock Shuffle which took place this past Sunday.

Lined up in front of trees, on the grass, near the sidewalk, and along Columbus Drive.

I've never seen so many johns in my life! I must've counted close to 250 of them! Those runners really must've had to PEE!

Buckingham Fountain obscured by urinals!

What caught my eye though was that they weren't just any blue. They were a Smurf blue! Oooooh!

And yes, I was the weirdo spending my free-time taking pictures of colored portable toilets.

Do I need a life or what?

Road closed ahead.

I guess she didn't see any potential in me. I don't blame her.

The store manager at the arts-and-crafts store I work for informed me yesterday that I would not be keeping my job there.

After the store's "restructuring", my position (which was originally shared by two people) was ultimately given to my alternate.

I didn't have much to say when I learned my fate. Even though I was quite disappointed, there was no sense in arguing at that point. I did want to tell my manager to go to hell but the goody-two-shoes in me said thank you instead.

I thanked her! Uggh!

Later on, while putting up the price change labels on the sales floor I did my best not to cry.

What was the point of working here for the past 7 1/2 months?

I tried very hard to make the best of things. Held on, never missed a shift, and filled in for my counterpart when she'd call off. Even though there were many, MANY times I wanted to quit, I did not.

Getting little sleep, losing time to create, dealing with all the stress and anxiety and the managers' mean attitudes. I invested too much into that place and have nothing to show for it.

*sad sigh*

When I left work that day, I spotted this traffic sign on the way to my city job. I think it sums up just about everything in this post.

Heads up!

I knew exactly who it was from when I saw it in my P.O. Box.

Quirky. Imaginative. Unique!

Here's a recent piece of Mail Art I received from Martha Miller! It's part of her current Mailart 365 series.

The front side!

The one she gave me was titled "Bad cakes and exploding doughnuts."

How fitting!

Close-up detail (oh my!)

Martha took red pastel paper and cut it into the shape of a head, stitching various overlapping images on top. The Mail Art's size is roughly 9 3/4" x 9 3/4".

Initially I had wanted to scan this on my scanner instead of using my camera but the head was too big and wouldn't fit!

*blushes*

The backside!

Funny pictures throughout adorned with random words. Even bits of glitter were added for extra sparkle!

Close-up detail (so bad but in a good way!)

Thank you, Martha! I love it!!

Now I suddenly have a taste for a thick piece of cake!

(~_^)