Sunday, August 15, 2010

Hands against the wall.

The original plan was once my uncle passed away and I was no longer needed as a caregiver that I'd go and kill myself. Find a remote spot in the city, quietly slit my throat, and bleed away my existence.

Now my uncle is gone yet I'm still here. I haven't had a serious suicidal thought since before he died. Is that progress? I'd felt dead for so long but that's beginning to change.

It's not that his death made me appreciate the wonders of life. No, not a saccharine sentiment like that. But watching him slowly wither away made me see I have more time than I realized. That as long as I'm living I still have a chance to change things in my life.

So while my "issues" still dance inside my head, this new element has been introduced to the mix.

I'd gotten a call from the therapist I used to visit, asking if I planned on coming back. I left a voicemail message in return, informing him my uncle passed at the end of June and that I'd like to take a break from therapy.

I only went four times but now I know what it's like and can always return should the need arise.

In an e-mail from another blogger, I was told my recent blogposts seemed much happier. I noticed that too.

Slowly but surely the desire to draw and paint and create has returned. I'm finding myself being inspired by colors and shapes and nature again. That is what I want to immerse myself into right now.

You could find me by the side of the house the other day, pressing my hands against the brick facade.

I felt the HOT summer sun sting my skin. My fingertips played with the tooth of the masonry as I watched morning light magically elongate shadows on the wall. And in those sensory-filled moments I knew I was indeed alive.


stanw said...

You are indeed alive. I cringed when I read the first paragraph of your post, sure glad that plan was not to be. Yours is the first place I visit each time I check the blogs that I follow. I look forward to each of your posts and this one is so encouraging. So good to see you "pressing the bricks" which indicates feeling the world around you and getting the real sensations of life and vitality. You are alive. You used to say you enjoyed the clouds but now you are enjoying the sunshine, that indicates happier thoughts and feelings.

Keep on the sunny side of life, Dean.

ricola said...

I am glad this is happening for you.
I occasionally battle these thoughts as well. Once I almost smashed my drawing hand with a hammer. I hope things keep getting better, it takes a while.

Tammy's Studio said...

I just found you today. I'll be back. I'm going to have to start at the beginning of your blog and work my way to present day. I'm intrigued by what I'm reading.

naturgesetz said...

Yay for feeling alive! Yay for knowing that you have a chance to change things!

I had been hoping that your most recent posts arose from something like this. I'm really happy to read this.

MartininBroda said...

You are truly gifted to inject a murderous terror in someone, ok this was a German term, but really, skip such thoughts pleeeease. On the other side, indeed you seem more vivid recently, keep that.

bK said...

OMG, Dean! I hope you never have such scary thoughts again!!

I'm happy to hear that you're feeling better and artsy again. Perhaps it would be a good idea to go back to therapy after some time to have someone else with you to work through the issues you have?

Roland Halbritter said...

come on, let the dougnuts explode !

Winter said...

great to hear that you are picking up and thank you for the mail art again! HUGS ^^

Mind Of Mine said...

The first few lines of this post shocked me to the core. Not only because it was so candid and raw but because I could relate to it so much.

I am glad that you are finding some light at the end of the tunnel and I hope you fully reach that point in your life were you are happy.

The Itsy Bitsy Spill said...

Dean you have a way with words hon. You are a painter of words and you use then quite beautifully to express how you feel. I am moved! Lovely. Now I am happy that your perspective on how to change life is blossoming. I'm happy always forward my dear poet.

You have so much to give to the world and yourself!
Oh and thank you for your lovely comments.
Un abrazo guapo!

Anonymous said...

Good on you, Dean! That's the spirit. We all know how you feel, but always try to remember that just when things seem like they couldn't get any worse, it can only get better.

Besides, being there for your uncle when he needed you, can only serve to enrich your life even more.

Dean Grey said...


I still hate the sun! LOL

I'll have you know it was in the low 90's that day when taking those pics but the shadows being created by my hands looked so cool, I just had to photograph them!



You almost smashed your drawing hand with a hammer?! Brutal!

But I can relate. There are times I've thought about having my hands cut off so I'd never have to stress out about creating art again!


Tammy's Studio!

If you do start at the beginning, feel free to comment on any of my older posts if you like!






I didn't mean to scare you!



Brody, I may start therapy again when I feel ready for it. I don't want to rush things. Plus money is a HUGE factor right now so I'm trying to save as much as possible.



LOL, I think I'll do just that!



(((HUGS))) back at you!


Mind of Mine!

I hope I find happiness too, Ian!


The Itsy Bitsy Spill!

Gracias, chica creativa!


Corey (madtexter)!

I shall heed your advice!


Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts with me!


Unknown said...

"That as long as I'm living I still have a chance to change things in my life."

The most beautiful statement I have read all day. Good to hear.

Anonymous said...

You should still go to therapy; this is an opportunity you should not pass up. Here is the time and chance to change things in your life like you mentioned.

Unknown said...

Your blogger friend was not the only one finding your last posts much more cheerful! I am very happy for you, Dean!

Dean Grey said...

WannabeVirginia W.!

It felt good to write it!



I'd really like to but I don't have the luxury of falling back on someone else financially. I have to be able to support myself.

And right now I'm still not working and my unemployment expires SOON.

Even with a sliding scale, I'm no longer able to afford therapy on a long-term basis.





I appreciate the three of you chiming in here!


Anonymous said...

I hope that you keep feeling better and better. Big hugs to you.

artbyakiko said...

Dean, have you watched "Fawlty Towers"? If not, you should definitely watch them; there are a total of 12 episodes. It always makes me laugh.

naturgesetz said...

:Fawlty Towers" is a British TV comedy series, starring John Cleese, who had been part of the "Monty Python's Flying Circus" troupe. I think it was hilarious.

Dean Grey said...


I hope so too!



I've never heard of it but will have to check it out!



I appreciate the follow-up explanation!


Thanks to all of you!


Bill said...

Well I for one am glad you didn't end it all. I just discovered your blog. Anyone who names their blog "Exploding Doughnut" is alright in my book. Although, I think I'm going to have to find something to eat now. I can never sleep if I'm hungry!

Dean Grey said...


Please read my very first blog post (click the hyper link).

You'll see that "Exploding Doughnut" actually refers to wanting to escape the mundane day-job in search of something so much more.

No donuts were harmed (although some may have been eaten along the way)!


Kelley Carey MacDonald said...

Stay alive, Dean. You have so much to offer the world - even if you never SEE that... it is the truth. Here in my little corner of the world, when my artist girlfriends get together, sometimes someone will say "Did you see Dean's post the other day?" "Beautiful!" someone will answer.. "I hope he's doing well..." someone else... you have an impact on us. We *heart* you!

Dean Grey said...


I have my own little fan club and didn't even realize it!

Tell the girls I said hi!


Unknown said...

I am so thankful that you are still here.

Dean Grey said...


Me too, Dean. Me too.