Saturday, June 26, 2010

Thinking about death.....

When I was in 8th grade I used write A LOT. The stories were extremely morbid and dark. About people getting killed. Just really twisted stuff. So much so that my classmates said I'd be the next Stephen King when I grew up!

That dark side got quietly tucked away as I grew older and found art. But now that my uncle is slowly dying, that disturbed part of me has been unleashed to run amuck in my head....and I'm glad it gets to be expressed again.

"Thinking about death"
Mixed media in Moleskine journal - (NFS)

I'm consumed with death lately. Thinking about what it's like to die. The final moments before passing. If there's any pain. If there's anything after you're gone.

These thoughts have been tormenting me and there are nights I can't fucking sleep!

Sometimes I'm emotional and can't stop the tears, or I've gone numb, or just don't know how to feel or what to think.

My uncle gets closer and closer to death every day and I can't stop thinking about it.....


naturgesetz said...

There's no reason you should stop thinking about it. It's the biggest thing in your life right now.

I think it is good that the death of a loved one gives us an occasion to think seriously about death. The ancient philosophers reasoned that we have a spiritual side to our nature, a soul which can transcend the limits of matter and which therefore does not die when the body dies. It is immortal. So there is a continuing existence.

Christianity and Judaism agree with that. I'm not sure exactly how Judaism conceives of the afterlife, but we know that Christianity tells us that we are made to live with God forever, in perfect joy — and not merely as spirits, but that God will ultimately give us back our bodies. Because we are not souls trapped in bodies; our bodies are as much an intrinsic part of us as our souls. So God makes us complete, but in a way that exceeds our ability to imagine. We get a glimpse when we read of what Jesus did after his resurrection.

So I want to encourage you not to be afraid to think about death. I hope you can see it in the context of the work of a loving Creator who made us for far more than this life has to offer, whose love for us is eternal.

Peace be with you.

R said...

i'm sorry to hear about your uncle.. but yeah, i get those times when i think about death in a very in-depth sorta manner. but those sessions don't really last long with me... i suppose the most death-related thing I think about a lot, almost unintentionally but it just comes up, is the whole suicide thing. not saying i'm gonna go ahead with it of course.... but it just likes to pop up every now and then.

But either way, i've just got so many worries and concerns and uncertainties with life itself at the moment.

I Hope you feel better soon..


Neurotic Workaholic said...

I'm really sorry about what you're going through. It's understandable that you're thinking a lot about death, but remember that there are lots of good things about life too. On my worst days, I always try to think of at least three good things that make me happy, even small stuff like Frappuccinos or people giving up their seats on trains for the elderly or for pregnant women. I'm usually able to come up with three things. You should try it. I know it's a small consolation, but it's something.

Mind Of Mine said...

Dean - I think this is your subconcious preparing you for the envitable.

My mother has cancer and I often find myself imagining her death and I realize now thats I am just mentally going through the worst case scenario.

Anonymous said...

Your uncle is tough. In the midst of his pain he takes time to let the nursing staff know he loves them. At the same time he must be scared going to hospice, with a whole new staff.

You reflect the same toughness. Nothing can prepare you for the gut wrenching kick out the jams grief caused by the passing of a loved family member.
Yet here you are apologizing for not visiting other bloggers sites. Take good care of yourself.

Love. Prayers. Peace.


Aaron said...

I really hope you understand my latest post was more of a joke and like I mentioned, in an imaginery world. I am not that shallow and I have blogged about love before. :)

Death is just the absence of life. I never really thought about what it would be like, but I always thought about what I need to do before I reach that point.

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of a contsnt state of terror i was a few years ago - it was like a six-month panic attack, i'm telling you. I had to talk with priests about the existence of God, and life after death etc. My dad died when i was anout ten or eleven and this changed me a lot, and made me think about death and sckness a lot, death has been an almost palpable reality since i was a teenager and it still goes on. What the priest told me, when i was asking proof for God and life after death was, "you even have faith or you don't." I decided that i didn't believe in any of this and that death is the end, and this freed me. That's not to say that i still don't wake up in the middle of the night, with cold sweat and heart palpitating and wanting to cry out.

Hnag on in there

Manon said...

I think this is all part of the dying and grieving process. It's such an emotional time for you, Dean. I think you're just going to have to go with these feelings and let them happen.

Mind Of Mine said...

I was very sorry to hear about your loss.

Dean Grey said...


Sometimes I lose my faith and am no longer sure there's a God or an afterlife.



If you read my older blog posts you'll note I have suicidal thoughts a lot myself.


Neurotic Workaholic!

I'll try focusing on three good things but right now it's hard to do so.


Mind of Mine!

Ian, I think you're right. My mind is preparing me for what's to come next.

Sorry to hear about your mother.


Alex (Anonymous)!

Thank you!



I know you're not shallow. No worries!



That sounded like a dreadful time for you. I'm not sure if NOT believing in God would help or hurt more in my situation.



I'm letting the feelings happen!


I appreciate all of your encouraging words!


Kelley Carey MacDonald said...

Dean, this is perfectly normal, to think obsessively about what death is, how it is felt, what happens after, before, during... and until you're with someone dying, you don't really understand. This is a good thing. Don't think it's strange. Bless you all...

Dean Grey said...


It makes me feel better hearing that from you.


Gwen Bell said...

Dean, this is dark, but oh so good!

Hey...let your thoughts come. Taking the big monster out and looking it square in the face can disspell a ton
of fear and anticipation.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Uncle. It's so hard losing our loved ones. Hopefully, your dance with death will help your grief process move through at a quicker pace. I think it also helps you appreciate every day that you have with him.


Dean Grey said...


That's exactly what I'm trying to do with my Crazy Journal.

It's a place to express those dark, twisted thoughts in a safe manner.