Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Going numb.....


I spent the past several days not caring much about anything. Dazed with a defeated look on my face. Almost as if I were drugged.

No feeling. Emotionless. NUMB.

Watercolors and ink in Moleskine journal - (NFS)

Detached and lifeless.....like a part of me died.

Like it was never real. Not acknowledging the truth that it's over.

Staring blankly ahead for long periods as if a zombie. Catching myself pausing in mid-stride around the house.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism. My body's way of protecting me until I could deal with the heartache at a proper time. To mourn love that could've been.

When will I feel again?

When will I give myself permission to feel again?

Or will I always be numb?

14 comments:

elsiee said...

I like the numb, it feels safe to me and at 47 I have much more confidence that no matter how numb, numb is, numb will pass and return at a later date...
you will NOT always be numb.

melanie said...

A long long time ago i read a quote, i cannot remember who by but i'll always remember the quote'
Death is not the greatest loss in life it's what dies inside us while we live...
It's so true and i relate to your post'
Why oh why do some of us become our own worst enemy... Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional'
always wishing you hope and peace...

jason said...

I know it's got to be hard, but just keep pushing through it, Dean.
You can get through it.

Meanwhile, this is a great illustration.

Steven Anthony said...

When will I give myself permission to feel again? that seems to be the question, but only you can answer it.

hugs and good thoughts sent your way my friend

Dean Grey said...

Elsie!

I hope you're right!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Melanie!

You always have something sweet to say!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason!

I will try to keep pushing through it.

Glad you like the illustration!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steven!

Yes, only I can answer those questions!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to the four of you for the supportive words!

-Dean

randuwa said...

Dean, dear heart, this post reeks with feeling. In it you've answered your question: you've never stopped feeling. For the life of me... I wish I could Vulcan mind-meld with you and transfer into your head all of the life I've seen and know. Perhaps, its just perspective that drives you to despair. Getting mine would at least give you another place from which to detach yourself and seek meaning. You're so creative and intelligent; perhaps without the chicanery of a Sci-Fi gimmick, you could connect with more of us on the level of friendship and take a step toward a more positive tomorrow.

DKSmall, artist said...

Give yourself permission to be happy, and you just might.

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

I know what it feels like to be numb...and as I got older and experienced a few hardships in life, the numbness tingled even more.

But something happened as I approached my 40th birthday in April, I felt empowered and cared less about what other people thought. I can't explain the feeling, but you will someday.

Anyway, numb is good at times; it's a protection device that helps you to keep moving forward. Sometimes our mind is smarter than our emotion.

Dean Grey said...

Randy!

I haven't stopped feeling but the numbness is covering up all the pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DKSmall!

Easier said than done, David!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

madtexter!

You're right, Corey. I think being numb right now is the only thing keeping me from falling apart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The input from you three gentlemen is greatly appreciated!

-Dean

Mailmania4 said...

HI Dean . . Sending gentle hugs from North of the border . . Thinking of you .. .hope to get some mail off to you soon . .

naturgesetz said...

Sorry for the late response: I'm still catching up from my trip to my mother's cousin Mary's funeral on PEI last week.

This sent me looking through some of your earlier posts. In one post in the category Dean Grey you mention that during your 20's you had your heart broken, and that makes it clearer what lies behind your feelings; but I gather you don't want to give details about that love that could've been.

I'm sure that we get more than one chance for love in life, so that heartbreak shouldn't mean despair.

Right now, you're going out to help your aunt and uncle and on those forays where you take the beautiful pictures. I hope you'll be able to keep getting out and be in places where you have the chance of meeting new people.

You are probably right about the numbness being a useful defense mechanism. Hopefully, though, it will only be temporary, and there will be a time when it will go away because it is no longer needed.

*hugs*

Dean Grey said...

Mailmania4!

Thanks for stopping by!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

naturgesetz!

First off, sorry to hear about your family's loss.

I appreciate you looking through my older, archived posts!

No, it has nothing to do with my heart getting broken during my late twenties. This latest episode happened a few weeks back at the end of last month.

It devastated me at first but with each passing day, I recover a bit more.....at least as much as I can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you both for your comments!

-Dean

Dean Scott said...

I spent a few months in counseling after my divorce. My coulselor mostly listened as I talked through and often resolved my issues. One of the few directives from her was that I needed to give myself permission to have fun. I do better sometimes and worse other times, but I have remembered her advice these almost fourteen years later. You gave yourself good advice at the end of this post.

Dean Grey said...

Dean!

I do need to have more FUN in my life!

-Dean