Friday, April 30, 2010

If you only knew.....


Birthdays are always a sad time for me.

I turn a year older today and still feel very much like a failure.

Here is a photo of me as a small child.


I recall getting haircuts by my father, playing with Legos, and lots of fighting in the house.

You poor, poor boy.

I could weep for you right now.

If you only knew.....if you only knew.

40 comments:

Jackdaw said...

Dean,

Congratulations anyway!

Octavius said...

Happy Birthday chap..., hope you feel better soon. Pain, no matter how bad it is..., is only temporary.

Hugs, Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

MartininBroda said...

Happy Birthday Dean, even though you don't like them :-)

robertga99 said...

The conversations we could have with ourselves if we could only go back...
You were such a cutie...still are! :)
Happy Birthday

Michael Rivers said...

Hugs to you sweetie. I hope this new year is a good one for you.

Steven Anthony said...

Happy bday.....They always throw me into a tail spin as well....but hold on friend, you can and will make it ;)

Little Miss Sunshine State said...

Happy Birthday to an enormously talented young man (yes, I'm old enough to be your mother). Choose just one thing you want to accomplish this next year and make that the celebration of this birthday.

The tulip photos took my breath away.

Dean Grey said...

Jackdaw!

I appreciate that!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Octavius!

I always seem to be in pain though. *sigh*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Martin!

I don't like my birthdays!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

robertga99!

That's sweet of you to say, Bob!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael!

I hope this new year is good one for me too! I can't take much more bad news!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steven!

I hope you're right!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Miss Sunshine State!

Your words of wisdom won't go unnoticed! I like the idea of achieving one specific goal to honor this birthday!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes!

-Dean

Meeko Fabulous said...

Happy Birthday Dean! :) I think this year you should take life by the horns and start off by thinking positive. :) It can only get better. Keep smiling! You're a lot more handsome when you smile.

naturgesetz said...

Happy Birthday, Dean. Meaning I hope the day turns out to be a happy one anyway.

You're as good-looking now as you were then.

Fighting in the house? WIth whom? You may have told us about siblings, but if so my sieve of a memory hasn't retained it.

What would that boy want to say to you?

Ryan said...

Happy Birthday, you.

I am the king of birthday sulking. You can't outdo me, so don't even try!

Dean Grey said...

Meeko!

It can only get better but it could only get worse too.

And yes, I need to try to think more positive!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

naturgesetz!

I'm very careful to discuss immediate family members and our "issues" out of respect and privacy for them. But yes, there was a lot of fighting growing up. It was a very hostile environment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan!

LOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate the nice words from you three gentlemen!

-Dean

Susan Beauchemin said...

Happy Birthday Dean! I remembered your birthday because, it's mine too, and my son's!! Great time of season for a birthday. You are not a failure--heck you were born on the perfect day ;^) I'm going to go play in the dirt to celebrate my earthly birth sign--I'll plant a plant in your honor and it'll grow like there's no tomorrow!!

DKSmall, artist said...

Man you were a cute kid... what happened? (LOL)

Caio Fernandes said...

happy birthday Dean .
nice to see your blogs . they're really cool .

RJ in SoCal said...

Happy birthday, Dean!

Ask the Cool Cookie said...

Happy Birthday Dean. The best part of having them is that they get easier, and the more you have the deeper the self knowledge and the greater the capacity to forgive.

My present to you though is advice. Don't wish away time, the older we become the faster it goes. Live in the moment and savor each moment, there is nothing sader than looking back at life and wishing you had done something. Never settle for things that are easy, it makes you lazy. I've been where you are. Don't end up like me.

Dean Grey said...

Susan!

Wow! Then I'm in good company then, huh?

Happy Birthday to you and your son!

Thanks for planting something for me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DKSmall!

David, I guess I just get uglier as time goes on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caio!

I appreciate you visiting my blogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RJ!

Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ask the Cool Cookie!

Your advice is sound! I'll try to live in the moment, savor it, and not waste my time away!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to all of you for the kind comments!

-Dean

DKSmall, artist said...

That was a joke Dean - and you know it :-)

Kelly T Keating said...

Happy Birthday Dean! There are many people including me wishing you the best now and in the future. You deserve it.

All the best, Kelly

Karen said...

Dean ...I hope your day was a happy one even though you don't enjoy Birthdays.
Thanks for your visits to my blog.
And...'Happy Birthday' x

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Yeah, I can relate with birthdays that bit. Nonetheless, CELEBRATE YOU!

Mike said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Get out and make it a great day!!!

Randuwa said...

Happy Birthday!

randy

Dean Grey said...

Kelly!

Thanks for wishing me the best!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DKSmall!

You were joking, David, I was being serious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karen!

That's very nice of you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WannabeVirginia W.!

Bah! I'm not in a celebratory mood today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mike!

Sorry, but I'm staying in today. Just kind of waiting for the day to end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Randy!

Thank you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All of your thoughtful remarks are greatly appreciated!

-Dean

Robyn said...

Nurture the child in you and let him know that he is safe from harm now.
Failure's just a concept that can be easily changed with a successful thought.

best wishes for happy times
Robyn :)

jason said...

well, I'm hoping my present of good wishes gets to you, just the same. Seriously! :)

stanw said...

Dean, sure glad I dropped by your blog today, hope and pray you have a great day 'cause you are loved, beautiful man. H*A*P*P*Y B*I*R*T*H*D*A*Y and wishes for a good year. Love the picture of you as a youngster, bring back that smile!

bK said...

Happy birthday, Dean! If only that boy knew what a terrific artist he will become!

Aaron said...

Your birthday has brought you to a dark place.

Dean, hold on and I really do hope things work out. How's your therapy going?

Most importantly, happy, happy birthday. I don't celebrate my own birthday a lot either, but I think its important - at least to me, to have known you and learn a lot of beautiful aspects of life from you. Lots of love.

Dean Grey said...

Robyn!

I will try to nurture the child within me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stan!

I'm glad you dropped by too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason!

I appreciate your "present"! (^_^)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

bK!

*blushes*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaron!

Very dark I'm afraid. No therapy for me yet. We'll see though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks once again for everyone's birthday wishes!

-Dean

stanw said...

Dean, I also look at pictures of myself around that age and feel the same, a weepy feeling. You remember fighting, I remember not much happening at all, feeling like I was there but not really and not really a 'part' of the family. What is it that causes us to feel like we are a failure? For me that feeling that no one was proud of anything I did or was and never took the time to encourage.

When I see who you are and the things you do I cannot understand how anyone could not be proud of you, you are NOT a failure. We are all encouraging you as I see it, and I think that is because we in some way have experienced some of the things you express at times. You are not alone. There are better days coming!

JM said...

Dean, I don't like birthdays either but I'm much older than you! :-) Anyway, belated congratulations and cheer up! You look so cute in that photo! :-)

Dean Grey said...

Stan!

I had similar experiences. Growing up, my immediate family were never really that excited about my artistic achievements all that much.

I think it was sort of like, "We already know Dean can draw and paint." It was kind of expected and not a big deal was ever made about it.

I guess that's why I don't make a big deal about my art now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JM!

Awww, thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always appreciate what you both have to say!

-Dean

rahina q.h. said...

Dean happy birthday! hey, and those tulips are wonderful in your previous post.

sMacThoughts said...

Happy Birthday, Dean!
FIrst of all, it is ok to feel sadness... many do on birthdays (and holidays, and on any other 'day' on which we are supposed to feel joy)... your feelings are yours and you're entitled to them. Don't let others make you feel like a failure for not living up to the expectation that you be happy for them.

That said, I look at this child, the photo of you, and I think "what did he feel like back then?" based on what you say and have said, it sounds like not much encouragement was given, and every child deserves that. So why don't you carry this photo with you, and when you feel down and a 'failure', you remind yourself that that is the little boy talking (how can he not feel a failure if no one ever recognizes his wonderful achievements?) and instead look that boy in the eyes, and tell him that no, you are NOT a failure; you are a talented, amazing person! GIve him the accolades he never received before, and encourage the incentive to grow and believe... in himself. He deserves that, and not doing that is the same as being on the bad-guys team against him like everyone else. Y'gotta be on his team. He needs you.

martha miller (it's all art, isn't it?) said...

Hi Dean!

Happy Belated Birthday! I agree with sMac! Nurture that little boy! None of us were parented perfectly, and it is necessary to do some of that for ourselves! Here's what I learned in therapy when I was going through similar stuff:

That sad little boy is in charge right now, calling all the shots, keeping you both STUCK in a RUT and SAD. Yes, as naturgesetz asked, What would that boy say to you? Give him permission to speak. Really listen - let him have all of his feelings. It helps to journal this stuff. Then let him know that you will take care of him, and love him, and you will do some of the playful things that he craves. Also let him know that you, the ADULT Dean, are in charge.

Something else I learned. Breaking up with someone can put us into physical withdrawal, if the relationship is about love addiction. You really need to be gentle with yourself, and crank up the self care.

I dearly hope that you can rally th estrength to pick up the 500 lb phone and make that first therapy appointment!!

LOVE the art!!!

xoxox
Your Maine Mama

Dean Grey said...

Rahina!

Thanks for the birthday wishes and for taking a look at my tulip shots!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

sMacThoughts!

Thank you for telling me it's okay to feel sadness. Sometimes you're almost made to feel bad for being negative and down.

I'll try taking your advice and encourage the little boy I used to be!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Martha!

That's an interesting notion that myself as a little boy is in charge right now. That would explain A LOT!

What would that child say to me? Maybe "Help me....please!" Never really gave it that much thought until all of these comments.

But you're right. The ADULT Dean should be in charge!

And yes, breaking up is especially hard when I didn't have a say in the matter.

Oh, and that 500lb phone is getting much lighter. I promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's always wonderful hearing from you three ladies!

-Dean

Dean Scott said...

Oh, I think I forgot to add:

The little Dean was super-cute.

For comparitive purpose, I looked like a dork.

Dean Grey said...

Dean!

:)

-Dean