Thursday, April 8, 2010


What an unproductive, piece-of-shit I've turned myself into.

I went to sleep at 4:30 this morning and stayed in bed until about 6:15 in the evening, finally getting up to go to the bathroom and eat something.

This being one my last free days before helping my aunt and uncle on an everyday basis, I thought it'd be wise to take my usual life drawing class today (I haven't gone since last summer).

When the alarm woke me up, I kept hitting the snooze button until an hour passed. I wanted so badly to get up and out of the house but the depression told me "no" and I listened....again. There was no one else HERE to tell me otherwise.

My face was buried under the pillows while I tossed and turned under disheveled covers. Most of the time I lay there awake, staring blankly at the walls, stewing in my own sadness. Literally wasting away in bed.

How sad. How very sad.

And of course the weather in Chicago was PERFECT. Cold, dark skies with a light mist throughout the day. I didn't even have the strength to look out the window. I didn't want to see what I was missing.

I can't function here properly anymore. This house is slowly draining and killing me from the inside out and I don't know how to escape. I fear I never will.

Nothing will get done today. Perhaps it's for the best. My heart isn't into drawing or painting at the moment.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to get back to bed. If God is kind He won't let me wake up at all next time.


robertga99 said...

I know this is easier said than done but...

Forget your troubles c'mon get happy,
You better chase all your cares away.
Shout hallejulah c'mon get happy

The sun is shinin c'mon get happy,
The lord is waitin to take your hand.
Shout hallejulah c'mon get happy

I'm singing a little Judy to you :)
thiking about you. I hope this fog clears for you soon. You are such a great person...hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I know this doesnt help...but reading this I have begun to cry, it speaks to me, who I feel I have become...the fear, the disapointment...I am so sorry you feel this way, my friend...truly.

I will say a prayer for us both tonight.

naturgesetz said...

You're so talented, so intelligent, and so caring — it's sad that your depression is standing in the way of greater fulfillment. But it's not your fault, so it certainly doesn't mean you're worthless. I just wish I knew how to help you overcome it.

But hang in there, and try to take advantage of the good days to expand your range of activity.

Joey said...


My heart is hurting for you, my friend. I want so much for you to get better. There is such a fire burning inside of you...I only wish you could see it as I, and others, do.

If I lived anywhere near you, I would be at your house helping you get out of bed and out into the world.

I am not kidding you when I said I will need a tour guide when I come to Chicago in a few months, and I am hoping you will be the one to show me around.

Whenever you feel the need to talk to someone, Dean, you pick up the phone and call my cell phone. I will do everything I can to be there for ya.

Take some time to recoup and start over tomorrow.

Love ya man!

Aaron said...

If there is a God and God is kind, he would show you the way and hope.

Dean, I care about you and I will miss you if you were gone.

I am *very* worried about you. Are you seeing a therapist or someone? Or talking to someone?

Dean Grey said...


Your comment made me smile, Bob!



I'm sorry to hear this post touched you in that way. I will say a prayer for both of us as well.



It seems all I ever do is hang in there!



I will try starting over again tomorrow, Joey!



Maybe that means there isn't a God then?

The only people I'm talking to at the moment are my blogging friends. That's about all I got right now.


The concern from all of you gentlemen means more to me than you know!


stanw said...


Hope and pray that today has brought more vitality and optimism into your life. Rise up, Superman, take on the world that is around you, people are waiting on you to inspire them, to show them nothing is impossible, to rock their world with your creativity and sweet, sweet disposition!

David K Small, artist said...

My, you must have a great big bladder (my attempt to make you smile). Why not move into your aunt and uncles place since you will be there every day anyway...?

Unknown said...

I have to say, I came across your blog this morning and was ultimately touched. As someone dealing with the same issue, your words rand loud and true. It's so hard to just turn it off or try and change gears when it has so much control over you. I wish you the best and hope your bed is as comfortable as mine ;)


Anonymous said...

Hi Dean. I am a fellow sufferer of depression and it caught my mind when you wer saying about in bed and. I know, my mind jumps from one thought to the next, not wanting it but on it comes and my anxiety builds again until the snooze goes off and I take a milisecond to think that I need more time so click it off again. From that point I shake a little and pray someone will tell me it will be okay and I will be okay. I know in my deepest thoughts that it will be okay but yet, YET! Next round, next thump of the heart as another unknown fear holds me still. Bed is safe, bed is here and I do not have to move an inch as long as I dont it will be okay. That isa moment in my depression, Dean. Bless your heat my friend. I am there with you and know. I KNOW.

Sandra Galda said...

Reading the Bible , the praise filled Psalms, the New Testament, (not the history books like Genesis or Exodus) make me feel better when I am down, maybe it will help you?

martha miller said...

woops ~ forgot the link:

bK said...

You're clearly a wonderful individual and have a lot of cool abilities.

I agree with Aaron: it would be a very good idea to see a doctor about how you're feeling.


martha miller said...


So sorry you are in this hard place. Your on-line friends are important - they are concerned and they care about you. Here is a link to some on-line support specifically for people suffering from depression. Please check it out! It's free, anonymous, and round the clock.

Take good care of your self ~ you are a sweetheart.

jason said...

one step at a time, dean. Just one toe out and see how it goes.
And sometimes I think you just have to stay in until you can't stand staying in any more.

Dean Grey said...


I will try!



David, I don't want to move in with my aunt and uncle. It's their space not mine.

And yes, my bladder is quite strong!


Dandy Liion!

Glad you found me!

You're right, depression has a very strong hold on me and at times I'm just not strong enough to keep it at bay.



Yes, staying in bed is safe and fear holds me still too.

But as you said they are just moments. Hopefully you and I will have better ones soon, Brian!



I'm not sure. A part of me gave up on my faith a while back. I will consider reading the Psalms though!



I appreciate your concern and the link!



Thanks for the hugs!



I agree, sometimes you have to stay in until it becomes too much to bare. One step at a time, right?


I appreciate the wonderful words of support from everyone!


Kelly T Keating said...

Hi Dean,

I too have had days like this where everything even the simplest task seems arduous. And I will not supply you with trite words of encouragement as I know how "that" feels when someone tries to make you feel better. I will say that all seemingly infinite at the time, these days pass and you do again wake up excited about the day and your life.

All the best, Kelly

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

Dean- This too shall pass- sleeping is good- drugs are better-It's not forever it just to help you not miss moments.
Positive vibes to you.

Kelley Carey MacDonald said...

Dean, if not for you, do it for us. For me. I really need you in this world. I cannot tell you how many times I think of you - and NOT of you being sad - of you with your joyful embrace of the beauty in this world. Of your sense of whimsy and fun. Of you enviable TALENT. This is me... ripping the sheets off the bed, handing you a cup of steaming (insert your favorite kind) tea, shoving your sketchbook into your hands, and smiling at you, but saying "Time to get up, buddy, or I'm letting Paco onto the bed!"

Unknown said...

Dean, I really hope this is just a bad but short period you're going through and I'm looking forward reading something more cheerful next time I visit your blog. Please do take good care of yourself, go out and enjoy spring. Winter is gone now!

L.Holm said...

Hi, Dean - checking in...
How are things going caring for you Uncle. Hope you've shaken the last bit of depression off and are out and about. xoxo


Mike said...

I haven't had the need to blog recently - I'm fortunate to be on an up-curve - and it broke my heart to call in here and read this post.

I just wish I could reach out and give you a friendly hug and some reassurance Dean.

Take care my friend.

Dean Grey said...


I appreciate your honesty!


Lady Ren!

I know this feeling will pass.



LOL at the thought of Paco on my bed!



My next blog post will be more cheerful! Promise!



I'm doing better compared with earlier in the week. I'll be helping my uncle on a full-time basis starting tomorrow once my aunt goes back to work.

I'm nervous about it but will do my best!



Sorry this post brought you down!


Thanks to all of you for the kind comments!


Unknown said...

Hi Dean, first thanks very much for visiting my blog, its much appreciated! Ive had a read through your blog and I wont pretend to understand the extent of your depression, it must be terrible for you.
You know you have a real talent Dean, and perhaps you dont always feel like producing art but Im sure some regular sales on your eBay page would give you a good boost. Its really a good thing your doing for your Aunty, Im sure your family will appreciate it.
and p.s I havent got my driving license either, bad me;o)

Dave said...

Get back to that life drawing class! Your work was fantastic.

Susan Beauchemin said...

Hi Dean, Maybe caring for your uncle is a blessing in disguise, giving you a sense of purpose and a reason to motivate. I have a daughter who suffers from depression. I've tried to help her, but I'll often say the wrong thing and she looks at me as if I'm insane. I have a thought, but please forgive me if I'm just way off. I'm thinking that a regular bed time schedule might help? I say this because I'm caring for my grandchild and I've noticed that a consistent bedtime is healthy, not only for her, but for me as well. Just thinking that it could perhaps give you an ounce more strength to deal with all that comes your way.

Dean Grey said...


Unfortunately due to low sales on eBay, I sort of lost interest in listing more works of art anytime soon. It just seemed like a lot of trouble for very little profit in return.



That life drawing class is only on Thursday afternoons. Now that I'll be helping my uncle full-time (since my aunt went back to work) I won't be able to go back until the summertime!



I think you're right. Helping my uncle does give me a sense of purpose where before I felt like I was drifting and not really doing much with my life.

My sleep pattern is definitely sporadic. I'm just not sure how to go about actually sticking to a consistent schedule like that.


I appreciate the advice from the three of you!


mythoughtballoons said...

Now this is a man who knows how to share his thoughts ! Good for you !!!

Dean Grey said...


Welcome to The Doughnut Gang!