Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I must have done something bad.....

"Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good."

- Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer as Maria and Captain von Trapp

In one of my FAVORITE movies, The Sound of Music, there's a scene where Maria and the Captain finally confess their feelings for one another and both sing the song "Something Good".

The lyrics suggest that the love they feel right now, this amazing experience, must be because of something good they had done when younger and are being rewarded as adults.

"I must have done something bad"
Watercolor with acrylic in Moleskine journal - (NFS)

And here I am shattered and alone. Maybe this explains the way I'm feeling. Like I'm falling apart. Broken into pieces. A sad numbness.

That I must have done something terrible as a child and am being punished now. Or perhaps in another life I was one evil person am paying for it in this lifetime.

That must be it. I must have done something terribly wrong at some point.....I must have done something bad.


naturgesetz said...

*hugs again and kisses forehead"

That is a beautiful picture of you with the flowers. You so do not deserve to feel like the picture titled "I must have done something bad."

In a way it may be comforting to think that the way you are feeling is a punishment. Because that keeps it from being undeserved.

But no, Dean. This is your only life. And even if you did something bad asa a child, how you feel now is not a punishment. And I really don't believe that you did anything that terrible anyway.

But still, you feel terrible, without deserving it. And other people feel wonderful, without deserving it.

If only you didn't have that agoraphobia! Then you wouldn't have to be alone.

Hang in there. And if there's anything you can do to regain the ability to be with groups of people, please give it a try. I'm so sad that you're suffering like that.

Anonymous said...

whatever it was, if anything, its in the past

Anonymous said...

I think we all feel this way at times, or at least I do. I actually have been feeling this way for the past 2yrs, I must have been so bad, Im alone, sad, lonely....this must be my punishment, right?

then once in a while something good happens, and if only for a moment I feel better...hold on my friend, your momentr will come;)

Unknown said...

Do you really believe that? Or was it just a inspiration for your art.

Little Miss Sunshine State said...

My favorite movie. Ever.

I have said this so many times in my life, "WOW, I must have been really (fill in the blank) in my previous life"

It took me almost 50 years to start asking "so what am I here to learn?"

So, what are YOU here to learn? What do you need to change? What do you need to ask yourself? What do you need to find?

Pay attention to things that are happening to you. Pay attention to things you are being asked to do and learn.

When I started paying attention, it was a real eye-opener for me. Being able to understand and accept did WONDERS for making some of my biggest anxieties go away.

Dean Grey said...


Thanks for the sound advice!

You're right. It seems like I deserve to feel this way.



Ah, but sometimes the past comes back to haunt us, no?



I will try to hold on! You do the same!


WannabeVirginia W.!

A little bit of both. I think it's definitely possible and that thought inspired the painting!


Little Miss Sunshine State!

Thank you for the thought-provoking questions! I'm going to have to sit down and think about the answers to all of these!

I'm glad to hear that you were in my shoes but actually seemed to overcome your anxiety issues. Maybe in time I will too!


I appreciate all of you sharing your thoughts on this!


Unknown said...

Hmmm... if we apply that logic to other situations, you're saying the children and infants of the recent catastrophes are being punished for "doing something bad."

I know it's difficult and challenging because I hated myself too. You must start loving yourself Dean. If you don't love yourself, how can you accept someone worthy of you to love you too?

Reading some of Dr. Dyer's books have helped me. Perhaps, you can borrow them from the library and start there? I think of you often Dean. HUGS!

Unknown said...

Here's someone else I want you to check out. MORE HUGS!


jason said...

Well, I think we all feel like this sometimes. I know I certainly do. We all do lots of bad things....but lots of good things too...just we tend to focus more on the bad than the good.
Anyway, I know you're doing lots of good...I just hope the good comes back to you soon....and ten fold...or maybe even eleven :)

Gwen Bell said...

I am still laughing so hard at this post! It starts out so sugary sweet and then scrolls to that fantastic celebration of "bad"! LOVE it! Don't ever change, Dean...you are perfect just the way you are.

Randuwa said...

Our actions do hold consequences. But we are also free to do and be anything as human beings. The vast majority of us find our destinies in the pursuit of our best selves from the base of our childhoods of either privilege or injustice or anything in between.

Your extended hand photo deeply drives me to want to grasp it in the faith that you are not seeking this thing we call personhood alone.

You are not ever never alone. Look at all of these wonderful people who respond to you on this blog. I wish as many people bothered to read mine and find a reason to respond....

Love, randuwa

martha miller said...

Oh, Dean, forgive me, but when I scrolled down and saw your portrait I just cracked up!!!
If life were only as simple as that song with its notion of "Good yields Good and Bad yields Bad..."
Fuck that VonTrapp fairy tale!!! You are a CARING, LOVING, TALENTED, FUNNY, BRIGHT and ATTRACTIVE young man!!! Keep making art, Dean - it will heal you. XOX

Aaron said...

The past does sometimes come back to haunt us but we need to also be sure to understand how to use our past to guide our future. We know wallowing in it doesn't get us anywhere.

And there's also a clear line between a punishment and an illness.

Whatever it is, I hope you're feeling a lot better after writing that and its always nice to hear from you, Dean.

Unknown said...

... Or maybe you'll be surprised soon! :-) Nevertheless it's a great post!

Dean Grey said...


I guess my logic doesn't really make sense when dealing with innocent children, huh?

And you're absolutely right. I do need to start loving myself and perhaps it's one of my greatest challenges in my life right now. One day I hope I can do it.

I appreciate the book recommendations too!



Thanks for that!



I hardly feel perfect but I know what you meant.



I know there are many wonderful bloggers out there. I'm thankful for your and everyone else's support!

But here, face-to-face, it does feel like I'm all alone.



Thanks for the brutally honest comment!

I will keep making art!



It's always nice hearing from you too!



Maybe I will!


Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful words!


robertga99 said...

You are cute, nice & one hell of an artist. Just consider this your dark phase. The light is coming!

"Obsessed" is with a framer right now. I get to pic it up Monday....I AM SOOOOOOOO EXCITED!

Nordic Monsoon said...

My personal favorite among them is "Climb Every Mountain", including the reprise at the end. :)

David K Small, artist said...

What do you do with the emotional art you show here. I know it is personal and NFS so I wonder if you collect it in some scrapbook or something. I know those who use "art therapy" often do that and reflect back when needed. Others eventually destroy it symbolizing the end of the emotion or moment. I do this in a bound book I call My Visual Emotions.

Dean Grey said...


I'm waiting for the light, Bob!

And it's great to hear my painting is being taken care of!



I always loved "Do Re Mi" the best!



David, I painted this in a watercolor journal, which I dubbed my "soul journal". I plan to put all my "crazy art" (LOL) in it as a form of homemade art therapy!


I always appreciate you three gentlemen stopping by!


Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

Goodness- don't be sad. you will find love and you are a good person (I have the ability to feel evil from present and past lives in people).

Not sure if you saw the shout out I gave to you last week- Here is the link

Carolina said...

Hi Dean!
It's been a while... but I think of you often.
I'm so sad you still feel 'not good', I really feel discouraged.
Maybe it's not something that you did wrong, maybe it's about something you are not doing right right now, in the present. I'll tell you something that I know you don't really like, because you've said so before, but, please, give God a place in your life. You'll feel better, I promise!

We Blog Artists said...

I believe...an this is just me...that you're in transition from who you were to who you are...and until you live the YOU...you won't be able to give what you have to offer...Until you start lovin you...you can't love another.
Make sense?
By the way...I *heart* your Bamboo plantation you're starting!
and Sound of music is one of my FAVES too.
Your painting is disturbing(sorry)...I have a few of those too when I was 18 and hated my Dad(I love him now)...I think I scared my parents at the time...it was a way for me to reflect and it was theraputic for me to express my feelings!

Dean Grey said...

Lady Ren!

I appreciate the shout out!



I think you're right. It's about doing things differently in the here and now.



It makes perfect sense, Char! I do have to start loving me. I know. Easier said than done.


Thanks to the three of you ladies for the supportive comments!