Sunday, January 24, 2010

Another day perhaps.....


It's supposed to rain most of the day today. Gray skies, breezy, and around 45 degrees outside. For wintertime in Chicago that's perfect walking weather....at least to me anyway.

I thought on my only free day this week that it'd be nice to take an early train into the city and walk around the Loop. I bet the skyscrapers look amazing in this misty weather!

And yet I found it so hard to get out of bed again. Feeling frozen and immobile. Just the thought of getting ready made me anxious. Thinking about boarding the train and being around a lot of people made the pit of my stomach turn.

It's so much easier to stay under the covers....safer to hide from the outside world.

Before I was laid off this past summer, I used to work downtown on a daily basis. Now I haven't been to the Loop in over a month!


Looking out the window I can see everything is glistening. The train I wanted to take is already gone and raindrops tap the side of the house....almost as if to tease me. It's a shame I'm missing it.

I guess I'm too weak to fight the fear. It still has quite a hold on me.

It's okay though. I have chores to finish at home and art projects waiting to be born. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Ahhh, but it sure would've been a lovely morning to stroll around the city.

Another day perhaps.....

31 comments:

Eduardo Guize said...

Maybe you need somebody to come pick you up and take you out of bed even if it takes cold water to do that. Buddy, are you relying on any close friend? You can't fight the storm single-handedly.

naturgesetz said...

I hope you'll do at least some of those chores, and maybe let one of the art projects begin to be bore.

That's an interesting picture. It looks as if you have an arched window in a building with a brick facade. I'd guess it must date back to before WWI — 1920's at the latest, and very possibly back in the late 19th century. The detail on the next building suggests the same. But it looks as if there's a balcony too. Is there also a door within the arch?

And I can see what you mean about the weather your hand is reaching for.

Becky said...

so...today. what are you escaping and what are you creating?
just to the north of you in Milwaukee it was a struggle to throw off the bed-covers this morning. We share the same cloud-cover but the rain washed away lots of city grime and the gutters run clear

Steven Anthony said...

baby steps my friend, baby steps;) you'll walk the city when you are ready...take care of you.

Dean Grey said...

Eduardo!

I'm sort of friendless at the moment. I'll have to do it alone, I'm afraid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

naturgesetz!

Aren't you observant!

Yes, the house I live in is close to 100 years old, if not older, as is the building next door to us.

Lots of vintage details to be found!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Becky!

Today I'm escaping the rest of world. As for what I'm creating, well, all of you will see that in time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steven!

I know the city will still be there waiting for me. It just would've been nice to enjoy it today, that's all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate everyone's concern!

-Dean

Eduardo Guize said...

Well we may be too far to get you out of bed, but you're not alone. hugs

ryan field said...

Don't let it get you down. I know that sounds cliche, but I really do mean it. Just tell yourself you'll do it again when you feel better and focus on that.

My Flow Chart said...

I wish for you that special friend. You will know him/her when it happens. In the meantime be your own best friend and look for something bright and happy at least once a day. Start with the mirror :-)

Martha Miller said...

dean, i understand your anxiety. did you know that i was agoraphobic for a time? couldn't even walk down my own driveway. eduardo is right about not doing this single-handedly. it's so important to reach out and you ARE doing that, here on this blog! someday when you are ready, there is so much support in the world. there are therapy groups, 12-step programs, church groups - there are on-line forums for anxiety and depression as well. i'm glad that you have this blog to keep in touch with the outside world about your struggle. you have many web friends!!! love xox martha

Aaron said...

There are days when we have to change plans. I think those are the days that we need to think on our feet to make the best of our day.

It sucks that it made you anxious to imagine the crowd - but its a work in progress. A journey, and not a switch.

Thinking of you, Dean. :)

Randuwa said...

Rained here all day too...Been feeling my own ennui. But you are not alone and you are not without friends. We're here. And some of us get it.

Tomorrow, may the sun shine upon us both.

randy

Dane said...

Good luck my friend. Someday soon I know you'll make it out and about.

Dean Grey said...

Eduardo!

I'm very much aware of my online friends. If I didn't have them I truly would be alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan!

I will do just that!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Flow Chart!

I'm not a fan of the mirror (my "Ugly" self-portrait will explain).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Martha!

I did not know that about you! That gives me hope then.

Yes, I know I have many blogger friends and I'm very grateful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaron!

So you're saying I need to be more flexible? I agree with you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Randy!

But I hate sunny weather! I get what you mean though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dane!

I hope you're right about that!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It means a lot hearing from all of you!

-Dean

My Flow Chart said...

Dean then you need to get a new mirror because you are indeed a VERY handsome man and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Your picture is what stopped me when I was surfing by the Next Blog link. I saw you and thought, "Wow who is that?!?" So I stopped to read and discovered you are nice inside and out. Only you need convincing of that. I don't think anyone is really happy about their own looks, no matter how vain they may seem. If you don't like the miror then see yourself through others :-) Jus

April Jarocka said...

Dean I had such a terrible year last year. I got laid off too, suffered rejection and humiliation and lost a parent. I've taken so much crap that I figure I could take anything now. You start out as strong as a log and life wittles you away until you're the size of a fragile match..but matches carry flames, so Dean, never let your flame blow out. Let your passions burn within and brightly for others to see - but not consume you. You are stronger and better than all the things your mind will tell you otherwise. I am thinking and praying for you Dean...you are a beautiful person and so worth this life that God has given you to live to the full.
Smiles and hugs to you!
April

ryan field said...

"I will do just that!"

:-)

Kelley Carey MacDonald said...

Ugh. I feel that way, too, sometimes. But then the dog starts whining and the cats battle over my body and I say "ENOUGH" and get up. I'm a great one for doing everything but what I should be doing (right now, for example), and I say DENY that fear. So you didn't get on the train and go to the Loop. So what? Go another day. TODAY.... do something different. Something else you would enjoy. Get lost in those art projects! Don't fret over what you didn't get done. It is still a lovely morning....

Dean Grey said...

My Flow Chart!

That's very flattering!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

April!

"Let your passions burn within and brightly for others to see."

I'll do my best!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan!

(^_^)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kelley!

At least I got things done around the house, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to everyone for the wonderful advice!

-Dean

jason said...

ah...I love that photo there of your hand at the window. It says everything. I think you'll be out of there and walking in the mist soon enough. Or at least I hope so. :)

Sheila said...

I probably would stay cozy under my blankets on a day like this too. I like the composition of the last photo. It has a lot of emotion and really tells a story.

Dean Grey said...

Jason!

I hope so too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sheila!

Yeah, it was one of those sleepy days, I guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always appreciate you two chiming in!

-Dean

Renee said...

Yes another day perhaps Dean, but on this day you wrote right to my heart and I needed that.

You are brilliant and one foot in front of the other will get you out the door, but sometimes we just need to be behind the doors and you state how that is very well.

To a balance sweet Dean.

Love Renee xoxo

Ren said...

No words of advice - I'm in no position to offer them.

Just friendly thoughts and fellow-feeling heading your way.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Take care.

suzanneberry said...

Sometimes ya just gotta go with yer gut! I feel the same way when faced with going out. Since I was downsized, I rarely leave the house. My favorite place is in bed, under the covers. I joined your new blog. Looking forward to everything you do and am still working on my mail idea. Please don't give up on me. Hang in my friend, your smile brings light to the world.

Dean Grey said...

Renee!

I'm glad my words resonated with you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ren!

You're very kind to say that!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suzanne!

I'll never give up on you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to the three of you for the wonderful words!

-Dean

joanne May said...

Hi Dean,
I know being a loner is not always easy, especially if it is not through choice!
I have been in the same headspace you are in right now...
All I can say is learn from it and learn to enjoy the peace around you instead of fighting it...
Being an artist is a lonely profession as you know!
I spend hours alone in my flat, working in my kitchen. I don't have a nice studio, just the kitchen table to work on... Just the cat and the radio for company.
I go for little walks with my cat and sometimes go into town.
You know, life is actually quite good and uncomplicated and uncluttered. If you can enjoy your own company you can find inner freedom and peace.
I associate with only a few people, who I feel a connection with creatively and there are no hassles!
My past has been very complicated and a unhappy life, but not now...
Lovely to see you at my place. The trees are Yew trees in the churchyard and the church is very old, built in the Medieval times!
Also thank you for sharing your thoughts. It takes courage to be so open about your feelings.
Jo.;)

**WE BLOG ARTISTS** said...

I think we should ALL come out and Party at yours...raise your energy and go for that walk...
too bad I have to stay home with my sick girls today...
Maybe another day...

Nice to meet you...you're quite intense...in a good way. I like your talent!

Char

randuwa said...

Hate the sun? It's not my favorite biometric reality, either. My eyes prefer indirect and subdued light. And my dreams when I sleep are often amazing.

I dreamt I was a satellite hovering over the earth last night. I saw the most northern point on the island of Hokkaido in Japan, and my focus led me to explore a perfectly symmetrical coral reef just off of the coast. In my dream, I walked on the beach, explored the pristine waters of the reef and met a vender who sold me a recorder, but it was too short. The instrument was missing the bottom hole and could only play the "Lord of the Dance" melody from Aaron Copland's "Appalachian Spring" suite. In the end I was left to disturb the glass like surface of the ocean above the coral reef with my finger and wait. My waiting led to my waking....

And there it was again...the sun. What's a body to do?

Dean Grey said...

Joanne!

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels like this!

Oh, and if we lived in the same town I'd go on walks with you. (^_^)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**WE BLOG ARTISTS**!

I love how you declared having a party at my place without asking me first! LOL

I'm intense, huh?

Nice to meet you too, Char!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Randy!

Damn! That is SOME dream!

And yeah, the sun is pretty gross!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts with me!

-Dean

Bo said...

Let me sing you a song...The sun will come out tomorrow..Brush away the cobwebs and the sorrow...la la la..

Dean Grey said...

Bo!

Thank you for the song! You can sing to me anytime!

(^_^)

-Dean