Tonight my soul burns brighter.....

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -- Anais Nin

I rarely talk about it. It means so much to me. Like a fragile newborn, I cradle and protect it. But the time has come to grow and take a chance.

On what would've been my dad's birthday, I launched my second blog this afternoon. A blog all about my dream of becoming a comic book illustrator! It's a way of reconnecting with the goal. To reignite the passion!

I'm nervous and scared and excited all at once. Deep inside I can feel it wanting to shine like the sun!

Is it too soon or just right? Only time will tell. The main thing is that I try....and begin! But I know for sure I'm not getting any younger and after waiting years for the dream to come to me, I am going after the dream....and sharing it with all of you!

And I WILL have it! Go, Dean, go!!

Ahhh, can you see it? Tonight my soul burns brighter.....

Another day perhaps.....

It's supposed to rain most of the day today. Gray skies, breezy, and around 45 degrees outside. For wintertime in Chicago that's perfect walking weather....at least to me anyway.

I thought on my only free day this week that it'd be nice to take an early train into the city and walk around the Loop. I bet the skyscrapers look amazing in this misty weather!

And yet I found it so hard to get out of bed again. Feeling frozen and immobile. Just the thought of getting ready made me anxious. Thinking about boarding the train and being around a lot of people made the pit of my stomach turn.

It's so much easier to stay under the covers....safer to hide from the outside world.

Before I was laid off this past summer, I used to work downtown on a daily basis. Now I haven't been to the Loop in over a month!

Looking out the window I can see everything is glistening. The train I wanted to take is already gone and raindrops tap the side of the house....almost as if to tease me. It's a shame I'm missing it.

I guess I'm too weak to fight the fear. It still has quite a hold on me.

It's okay though. I have chores to finish at home and art projects waiting to be born. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Ahhh, but it sure would've been a lovely morning to stroll around the city.

Another day perhaps.....

525,600 minutes.....

Welcome to my journey.

That's how I ended my very first post one year ago today.

My intention for starting this blog was to get my artwork out there. A place to display my drawings and paintings over the internet. But it became much more than that. This blog allowed me to share my creative process and ideas.

It also became an open diary of sorts where I exposed my struggles and fears and pain along the way.....the stumbling blocks that kept me from creating a life in art.

And perhaps most importantly, it allowed me to connect with other artists and bloggers from around the world, sharing your stories with me in return.

On those terribly lonely days when I'm feeling depressed, teary-eyed, and friendless, there is a wonderful support system of online friends waiting.

When I want to give up completely, you are there saying, "Keep going, Dean!"

It means more to me than you'll ever know.

A little something for everyone from my sketchbook

I don't think long-term anymore. It makes me sad to do so. I'm not sure where I'll be or if I'll be here at all, but I do wonder how my second year of blogging will go. What will come of it? I asked myself the exact same thing after completing my very first post.

I guess venturing into the unknown is part of the journey.

Thank you all so very much for being a part of it!

Happy Anniversary, Exploding Doughnut!!

In the meantime....I've got mail!

I've been experiencing one of those depressive spells lately.

Being uninspired, sleeping the day away, and not getting much done in terms of my artwork.

I'm going to take my own advice for once and ride out this latest wave of depression until it lessens, which it slowly has.

In the meantime, I thought I'd share some recent mail art I received!

Quilted postcard (front) sent in a plastic sleeve - 4" x 6"

I exchanged addresses with fellow artist David K. Small and we agreed to do an ACEO swap! He sent me this handmade quilted postcard as an "incentive" piece.

The backside!

This is sooooo unique!!

It's made entirely out of fabric. I love how it breaks the traditional notion of what mail should be. I always imagine a postal worker looking completely perplexed when they see something like this. Hee hee hee.

Even though the design is simple, a lot of care went into this from the stitched border, to the bold blocks of color, to the colorful beads.

A wonderful, one-of-a-kind piece! Thank you, David! I love it!!

Wordless Wednesday - Random tagging on freight trains.....

"It won't let me rest otherwise."

Red-orange.

White.

Gray.

Black.

I've had dreams about this exact color combination. None of these are necessarily my favorite colors but there's something about them grouped together that I just adore.

The white and black are exact opposites while the red-orange provides the heat and the gray, the coolness.

This post is less about the artwork and more about the process of creating....at least from my point of view.

When an idea such as this color combination comes into my head, I fixate on it and can't let it go until it's expressed in some form.

It's always lingering in the back of my mind, whispering to be put down on paper. An itch that needs to be scratched. Hunger pangs waiting to be satiated. It won't let me rest otherwise.

I'm not even sure what it'll be a painting of at this point. I just know it has to have those four colors and only those four. And I faintly recall white-on-white squares as well. Maybe an abstract painting will do the trick?

Red-orange.

White.

Gray.

Black.

Ahhhhhhh.

To be concluded.....

I won't waste my time anymore!

I've decided to do things differently this time around. I had written my goals down for each new year since college.

Ten years worth of "to-do's" that never came to light. The same resolutions unachieved over and over again. Leaving me frustrated and disappointed.

No more! This time I won't be writing out any goals for 2010!

If they are meant to be they will happen and if not....I guess they weren't meant to be!

Maybe I'm being too stubborn and resisting making changes. Maybe I'm deliberately failing to plan and sabotaging myself. Maybe I could care less, no longer see the point, and am giving up too easily. Perhaps it's a little bit of all of these.

But one thing I know for certain is I'm tired of writing down goals and feeling like a failure when they don't come to fruition. Those repetitive lists that excited me as the pen first hit the paper but were quickly forgotten about once the notebook closed.

Will this hinder my dream of having a career in art or set it free of unnecessary rules and deadlines?

Only time will tell.

With all of this said, I refuse to spend one day, one hour, even one more minute creating yet another list....one I surely will not follow or achieve. I'm so over that bullshit and I won't waste my time anymore!