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The winter air bites into my skin and stings my saddened eyes, yet I am unscathed. It cannot damage me more than I already am. You can't break something that's already broken.
The new year begins in less than a week and I'm hesitant....and worried. Worried things will get worse for me. Scared I won't make it.
It's too bad nothing goes as planned. Things aren't working out the way I'd like. This isn't how I intended my life to be. And if I can't have the life I want, why live it at all? I ponder that all the time.
I fear one day my lover will call for me with such intensity that I'll submit completely. Maybe I'm delaying the inevitable.
Everything looks like it stopped outside. Fallen, snow-covered branches scattered about.....dead on the ground. Summer grass poking through all the whiteness.
The crunch of snow under my boots. Small animal tracks mixed with human ones.
Which footprints are mine? The ones going in circles, heading backwards, or the footprints off to the side....all by themselves?
Ah, Dean, you are such a fool. You and your meandering thoughts.
Why does any of it even matter? In the end they'll all melt anyways.....
Posts
34 comments:
Dean,
This may sound like I have no compassion for you at all but I really do, I just want to say, "Get over the pity party!" Reading your post is such a downer. You do count, you are a worthwhile guy who has so much to offer, so much to contribute, I've seen it in your writing and art. I suspect there is even more going on inside you haven't even tapped into yet. Look at yourself in the mirror, look into your eyes and say the words, "I love you!", purposely see the beautiful guy that you are, the "man in the mirror", who is worth every effort to keep going no matter what.
It sounds like you and I know the same cruel lover...the thoughts attack my mind all the time as well....funny, standing on the edge of a new yr, all I can do is look back and ask why?
try and keep your head up my friend, if you could see yourself as we all do, a talented, good looking, nice, open hearted guy, you would know it will all work out, and you will be ok;)
much peace my friend
Pull your coat a bit tighter and hold on...no winter can last forever. None.
Dude I feel so bad for you. Don't get me wrong, I don't pitty you, I just feel bad. I know that I have only known you a short time, but I would miss you if you were gone..., so please, don't do anything that i would regret.
You seem to me to be a person much more worthy of the credit you give yourself. You are a wonderful artist, and a very good writer.
Besides you are never fully alone..., because in some way, we will all be with you, especially me.
Courage and Honour!
Octavius.
I don't remember where I recently came across the line, "There is no situation so bad that we can't make it worse." The person went on to say that he believed it is also possible to make things better. Of course our control of events is limited. What happens in our lives also depends on others. So don't despair when things aren't going as planned. And above all, don't submit to *that* lover.
More important than figuring which are your footprints is continuing to make them. Press on!
BTW, have stopped in at Mass since that first time? It seemed to touch you, and maybe that touch can be healing for you in some way.
I have been blogging for just over a year now. I frequently wonder whether the authors of the blogs that I read are 'genuine'. Is that really how they feel? Sometimes it all seems a bit fake. I have never gotten that impression when I read your blog. You are open and raw and I have a gut feeling that things will improve for you. You words are very poetic. I would read your work.
The action of the foot will fade, but the memory of the footprint will remain.
It is not our short term actions that impact - it is the long term memory of those short - and often impulsive and ill considered - actions.
All will be well in time. Worry is easily displaced under the right circumstances. Things will warm. Before you know it, those will be happy footprints in the sand...
Ennui? You seem to have it in spades. As long as you focus on what's wrong with you, you can't focus on the good things in you.At a time when you have lost/are loosing so much. I think maybe your afraid to see any good in yourself because the negative picture you have in your mind is something only you can get rid of and something that feels like a dependable constant in your state of flux.If you don't recognize that these qualities(that make up this negative self image) may have faded or disappeared completely you won't be happy. Or at least that's what I've found. All the best. Andy
the beauty of snow is that it does melt and gives way to grass and flowers. It's the darkest time of the year...
Merry Christmas, Dean. Your photographs are beautiful. Chicago is stunning. And your poetic voice is as strong as ever. Wishing you all good things in 2010. xoLiz
Ah, Dean, why does it matter? Because it does, and we ride our art, and music, and works, and words to learn why.
Your post today was pure poetry! I loved it! I don't know the reasons for your train of thought and seeming despair, but within your writing are your answers.
I have a few poems to share: "wind sun snow", "behold", and "footprints waiting". Posted Feb.21/22. and "winter walk", written last year and posted on Dec 20th.
As I mentioned in my last comment to you about winter, this time of year seems to bring out the aloneness in me.
The last line in your post today is strangely hopeful.
Cheers!
Rick
You will make it!! Best wishes for 2010.
Stan!
I'm sorry my post was a downer for you. That wasn't my intention.
I could never say "I love you" in the mirror until I actually mean it and right now I don't.
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Steven!
I will try to keep my head up!
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Jason!
It seems all I ever do is hold on.
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Octavius!
No worries. I was just reflecting on things as the new year approaches.
I'm concerned things will get worse before they get better (my uncle's cancer, my unemployment, etc.).
Just thinking about things, that's all.
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naturgesetz!
I will continue to press on!
I went to mass for the third time early this month but it felt too forced so I walked out during the beginning part of it.
I'm afraid I regressed in that area.
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Clare!
That is one of the best blogging compliments I've gotten!
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Damien!
So you're saying I should take different actions?
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Life With Dogs!
Ah, but what if those "right circumstances" never arrive?
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Andy!
I think you are on to something! Maybe I do hold onto all of the "bad stuff" because I feel that's all there is to me.
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Dane!
Yes, that's very true.
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L.Holm!
I'm wishing you all good things in 2010 too, Liz!
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Rick!
I'm flattered that my words resonated with you!
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Michael!
I hope so!
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Everyone's supportive comments mean a lot to me!!
-Dean
I am saying that we choose our actions but dont often think of the consequences / ramifications of those actions.
I invested in a psychological pause button when I began treatment for my depression - doesnt always work - but it does most of the time and provides a real opportunity to reflect on what I am thinking / deciding.
You just have to figure out what to do with the time you're given, as someone once said. I hope that lover never finds you, and that a warm human one with a heart and soul replaces it. *hugs*
Damien!
I understand your point.
But this post was more about circumstances and less about things I've done wrong.
I hope that makes sense.
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James!
I hope for that too!
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Thanks to both of you gentlemen for your thoughts on this!
-Dean
Oh Dean, what a heartbreaking post.
And if that is your lover, he is an abusive lover. He isn't one that you want, but one that you will one day work out of your skin, just maybe not yet.
Dean when I have been reading your posts you are incredible, maybe you just aren't seeing it. And that kind of lover will never want you to see it either.
Even the footprints dear one, they are the same as the rest of ours, in circles, up and down, alone, all over the map. Sometimes we find the path and sometimes we lose our way.
Take care dear one.
Love Renee xoxoxo
Your artistry and words are beautiful. 2010 is going to be great!
Renee!
Thank you for the sweet words of wisdom!
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robertga99!
Let's hope you're right about 2010, Bob!
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I appreciate hearing from the pair of you!
-Dean
hi! aaron sent me here, we share plenty in common and hope to get to know you better :) winter.
Just wanted to come and send you some love Dean.
Love Renee xoxoxo
maybe you focus on negatives because it hurts less to have your pessimism validated than to have your hope crushed.
but you can't be pessimistic without hope.
Winter!
I'm glad you found me!
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Renee!
That's so thoughtful of you!!
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Ian!
I think you could be very right about that! Maybe deep down I don't want the hope to fail me so I keep it locked away.
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Thanks to the three of you!
-Dean
Dean -
my own lover has been resurfacing of late to your words really resonate for me today - here's to a day when our lover is kinder an gentler...
i would only like to say one thing here and maybe the rest during some conversation at a future time.
why live life if you can't live the life you want? because you have been given the power to change anything at all while you are alive and without being alive, you can change nothing whether it is within you or somewhere else.
Elsie!
I'm sorry to hear this!
I think it's time we both cheat on our "lovers". You told me that once, remember?
(((HUGS)))
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Synx!
Welcome to my blog!
But making changes is easier said than done. What if a person no longer sees the point in trying?
Just playing devil's advocate with you!
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I appreciate the comments from both of you!
-Dean
@dean: as a person that has been there before, i will say this: friends are eyes when i cannot see and i hope you have friends that are willing to be the same. if not, sign me up.
you writing is truly beautiful and is of great inspiration. I would love to be able to read the snow right now, it is so very humid here you can literally cut the air with a knife, it is like swimming in soup - perhaps as the song suggests an aqualung would be kind of handy.
Synx!
That's very kind of you!
Truly great friends are hard to find and sometimes I feel like I go through it all alone. It's nice to know the blogging community can be so supportive at times like this!
You can of course e-mail me anytime!
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Sandra!
I hate humid weather!! I don't envy you but during the cold, Chicago winter nights, well, the heat sounds kind of nice!
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Thanks you two!
-Dean
Love yourself, Dean. xox Best wishes for a creative and fruitful new year!!!
"Things aren't working out the way I'd like. This isn't how I intended my life to be. And if I can't have the life I want, why live it at all? I ponder that all the time."
Dean, dear Dean, they never do. What matters is not what happens, but how we respond to it. I can't have the life I want either, which is a pain in the wotsit, but for me there is a more important question. What do you have to live for? And if you have nothing to live for, why are you doing it?
As an artist, your responses can be how you choose them to be as can the reasons for those responses. Write the sad stuff down, get it out there and continue. In the end nothing matters... but you're not at the end yet. Wotthehell, wotthehell, there's life in the old dog yet!
Dean, Love is a fleeting suitor no matter how he dresses. His footsteps will always melt. There is no perfect companion, it's why so many people turn to a "make believe" God and ascribe all manner of perfect attributes to him, justify all manner of capricious and malevolent behaviors with doctrines that denounce human reason for "faith", and even martyr themselves upon occasion to said deity. It doesn't mean that love is not real, or even that there is no God. I suspect both are just too awesome of a concept to be held by things as corrupted as Religion or as common as Relationships without a descent measure of honesty and more than a pinch or two of grace. This recipe leaves religion cold--honesty is too hard for institutions ensconced in greed to handle no matter how sincere any individual may be. So we are left with relationship. None is perfect. Those that seem to survive and thrive feed not only on all of the good stuff, but also on heaping doses of honesty and grace, which is to say forgiveness, and trust, and hope, and even at times, compromise. Anyone seeking perfection has only depression as their companion. Be well.
Martha!
Happy New Year to you!
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Griffin!
You're giving me more questions to ponder! But they are good ones.
I will continue....as best I can!
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randuwa!
Thank you for the sage advice, Randy!
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I appreciate hearing from all three of you!
-Dean
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