Monday, November 16, 2009

Sleeping the day away.....


I've been thinking about dying lately. Hoping it would come for me soon.

These past couple weeks have been quite hard. Feeling worn out, extremely depressed, emotional, lonely, spiritless.

Though I'm constantly surrounded by family members, I don't feel close to them, or rather, I feel "detached" from them. And the few friends I have, I haven't heard from in a while.

It's not easy going through difficult periods in life all by yourself. I keep bracing myself, trying to remember that I've gone it alone before and I know I can trudge along and do it again. A loner I was bred and a loner I shall always be!


Most of the time I'm just so tired of everything, I try sleeping the day away. Pity I have to wake up and feel like this all over again.

When I'm not helping my aunt and uncle, lately my free days consist of sleeping, getting up to eat something, then lying back down to rest. My time is so limited as it is, that not much artwork gets done when I'm in bed all day.

How ironic that my uncle is struggling right now, wanting to live and I'm struggling right now, wanting to die.

I lay my head into the softness of the pillow, shut my tear-filled eyes, and escape from the rest of the world for a little while. Praying tomorrow I'll feel better. Disappointed when I end up feeling worse.

How I wish I had a strong shoulder to cry on. A willing ear to whisper my fears to. Someone to go to bed with.

For now, rest will be my comfort from the cruelty of existence. Ahhhh....let reality slip through relaxed fingers and the pain run down my sheets once more as I start sleeping the day away.

41 comments:

robertga99 said...

awww, come here and let me hold you :)
things will get better soon...I promise! hold on

Carolina said...

Dean,
Really, I'm so sorry to read this post and know you're feeling so depressed. Please hear all the people who care for you through this blog: look for help, you have a medical condition called depression, you can feel better with the proper help. PLEASE give it a chance!
I came here to leave you this link:
http://pearathon.com/cpg/
When I saw it I remembered your unique and beautiful pear paintings...
Best regards,
Carolina

naturgesetz said...

Oh Dean, how I wish I were there to give you that shoulder to cry on, that ear to whisper those fears to, to hold you and remind you how much you are loved!

But you are not likely to meet someone who can give you those things in person while you're in bed. When you go to help your aunt and uncle, maybe you should try to stay out rather than going right home — or if the timing works better go somewhere for a while first. What I mean is more than going around taking your beautiful pictures. I mean being somewhere with other people — a meeting of an association that you're interested in (such as an artists' group), an exhibition, a church group.

I've always been something of a loner, too, so I know that it is very difficult to take this advice. I can cheerfully stay at home all day, and I have only joined associations when I was interested in being part of what they were doing, not as a way of meeting people. The difference is in the word "cheerfully." Being alone doesn't bother me. I'm not depressed and spending the day in bed. Being a loner is fine, IMO. Feeling so depressed is not good. That's why I think it's important for you to resist the impulse to stay in bed all day.

You mention friends that you haven't heard from in a while. If they're in the Chicago area, why not get in touch with them and see if you can get together. Share your feelings. If you can't get together, at least talk to them.

Please excuse the stream of consciousness. I think I realize how hard it will be for a loner to do what I am suggesting; but my heart goes out to you, and I have to make my suggestions.

It's ironic that I read you and James both giving each other sound advice and encouragement but unable to apply your wisdom to yourselves. Tell yourself what you tell James (and James, if you read this, tell yourself what you tell Dean).

One more thought, since I know you were raised Catholic and you still pray. There must be a Catholic church nearby that offers daily Mass at least some weekdays. Start attending. Make your prayers there. Maybe get there a few minutes early so you can tell God what's on your mind.

<3

Michael Rivers said...

Hugs to you! I hope you feel better soon.

pathetic prophet said...

I've never really thought about that feeling of 'detachment' although I feel it a lot too. No matter how hard I try to get close to somebody there's always a part of me that says "back off", a part of me that I want to protect. I wonder if this is a normal thing? There are so many things to be protected from....But when it happens with family, I'm not sure.
Dean, I know that I'm new to blogland, but I've been around for a long while, and have big ears and medium broad shoulders. If you want to talk, email me and I'll send you contact info.

Manon Doyle said...

Hey Dean!!

Love the pic but I'm worried about you! Depression can be very isolating. Do you think you might need to see a doctor? The sleeping all day thing is not good!!
I'm sending you positive vibes so that you can get the relief you need my friend!!

naturgesetz said...

I've had another thought about this. It would be good to try to get help with the depression. Money is in short supply, but in my town there is an agency that calls itself the Community Counseling Center. They provide various mental health and issue management services, either free or very inexpensively. I think there are similar agencies all over. So I'd suggest looking in the yellow pages under counseling or mental health. I think you're likely to find some agency that can provide a service you can afford that can help you deal with the depression. Don't let yourself keep suffering.

*hugs*

Clare said...

Hello. Just want to say that I hope you can crawl away from the dark place that you are in right now. I have felt this way only once, when I our child died 6 years ago. I also hope that you hear from your friends soon as well.

Regards,

Clare

Cooper said...

dean i know how you feel trust i bet more than anyone spent many of hours just sleeping my weekends away. just like now i got something going on in my life but im waiting on something bad to happen. im here dean if you need me ok.

Paul Benjamin said...

I dont know why, but your writing never fails to spark something inside of me, that makes me relate to my own feelings. Keep your head up, Dean.

Dean Grey said...

robertga99!

Promises, promises, Bob!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carolina!

I think I'm still at that resisting stage and refuse to get help, determined to do it on my own. Whether that's foolish, only time will tell.

Thanks so much for the link! I love painting pears and I might just have to submit a pear painting now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

naturgesetz!

Whoa, what a mother of a comment! Two of them in fact!

It's funny, but at times I prefer to be alone. I just feel at peace when I'm by myself and with nature. And yet, I feel terribly lonely at the same time. It's so hard to explain how I can feel both sides of the spectrum.

I always have to be the one to keep in contact with my friends and make sure they're doing okay. It would be nice for ONCE if they checked up on me for a change. I think I need new friends!

Very astute of you to mention James' blog. Yes, I've been told before that I never take my own advice. Maybe I don't believe in myself enough?

It's been so long since I've attended mass, I just don't know if I feel comfortable with it. You know I have issues with large groups of people, right?

And lastly, you're not the first person to suggest looking up clinics. Someone actually went as far as sending me a link for clinics in Illinois and yet I never got around to doing anything with it.

Like I told Carolina, I'm still at that resisting stage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael!

That's very sweet of you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

pathetic prophet!

I'm close to my family because I grew up with them yet I feel "detached" because I'm not open with them. Does this make sense?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Manon!

Thanks for the positive vibes!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clare!

I hope so too! And I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your child.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cooper!

I have that feeling as well. Always wondering what's going to happen next.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paul!

I'm glad you my words resonated with you but in regards to this particular post, I'm sorry to hear you can relate to what I've written.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't thank all of you enough for the supportive comments! It means more than you know!!

-Dean

Steven Anthony said...

Your words always speak to my soul....Im not going to ramble like I usually do on your blog...Just know that you do have people who care, even if you've never met us, you have touched out lives with your words....hold on, please....it will get better, You can contact me, if ever you want a ear.

James said...

I've missed chatting with you, I figured something was up. Don't shut the world out, ok? Please? That's only a guarantee for feeling worse.

I have no magic words to make you feel better, I wish I did. However, you know at least objectively that this comes and goes...try to hold out until it goes away again, or at least until it lessens.

If I could be there, if I could bend time and space to my will, I'd be that person to comfort you. I guess my virtual care probably isn't much...I wish it were the real thing.

MartininBroda said...

I've really decided to shorten my comments here but, sigh and sorry John, if even the comment from Naturgesetz couldn't melt your heart and change something, who could on this earth? My best wishes to you.

jason said...

Ah Dean....I'm sending you good energy up there.
Seriously.

I don't know if it can help, but, it can't hurt, right? :)

Dean Grey said...

Steven!

Thank you for your kindness!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James!

I'll try not to shut the world out but you of all people should know that at times it's easier said than done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Martin!

Stop by anytime and thanks for the well wishes!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason!

No, it couldn't hurt at all! (~_^)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate hearing from you four gentlemen!

-Dean

Martha Miller said...

DEAN!!!

(I had a dream about you last night! Something about being in a play together...)
My husband struggled for YEARS with serious depression. After getting help, He's much improved! GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!!! If it's meds you fear, there are supplements that can help, and counseling is SO important - diet and exercise all are also key. He also uses a light box at this time of year! Even loners need support. If you can't afford professional help, Al-anon is a marvelous FREE resource and there are meetings everywhere!
I hope that you can reach out soon for HELP!

And in the meantime, send me a digital self portrait! Like the one you posted HERE! Make it about your depression! You said on my blog that you hate the way you look (you are adorable, by the way...) but this can be a self-portrait in the most abstract sense - whatever! And it's digital! Alter it in photoshop! Or make a self-portrait about how you hate the way you look!! This is just for fun. Go for it!!!

Joseph said...

I can only imagine the pain you are experiencing, Dean. You are a very talented and amazing person. I wish you the best...

naturgesetz said...

The thing about weekday Masses is that they draw a much smaller congregation than Sundays. For example, in my parish the average Sunday Mass gets almost 300 people, and the church feels pretty full. On weekdays it may average 35 (in a church that can hold 500). So it feels nearly empty. So I don't think having a problem with crowds would cause you any trouble. (Maybe Thanksgiving will bring in more, but ordinary days should be fine.)

But it would give you something regular to do — a reason to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house early in the day.

Dean Grey said...

Martha!

A dream about a play? Hmmm....I love going to see plays! Let's hope our costumes were fabulous!

I guess there's such a stigma for me. Even reading the words, "Get Professional Help" made me cringe for some reason. Not sure why.

Regarding the digital self-portrait. I've been playing around with ideas. Not sure if I'll be participating this time around though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joseph!

I appreciate the kind words!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

naturgesetz!

You bring up some good points. I'm assuming weekday mass would indeed be less crowded.

I'll give it some thought!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to the three of you for thinking of me!

-Dean

ITPhDude said...

Okay...I don't mean to sound like a heartless bitch but you need to snap out of it already. I have been following your blog for a few months now and I have posted responses a few times. I have been where you are and for a much longer period of time than you have endured thus far. It is not easy but you need to take control of your fear or it will only get worse for you.

First, take the next few weeks and decide what you want to do professionally for the remainder of your life. Secondly, decide how you want to achieve that goal. It is going back to school, getting a masters degree, etc.

The next step is to put those goals into actions. Enroll in classes or something and make concrete goals to get you the hell out of the house and move your life forward.

Feel sorry for yourself some more. Allow yourself until December 31st to whine but then PUT THAT SHIT AWAY! Put it with your luggage under the bed or in your closet and forget about it.

Get yourself to see a therapist and get on some medication. Move yourself out of your funk because as you say, you are alone in your dark pit of desperation and despair. It is scary, it is lonely, it is isolating, it is shit, it is the worst. But only you can change it. There is no dark prince with the magic wand to come into your life and make it better. That is a fantasy and you are living in a scary reality.

Pull it together my friend before it is too late.

I am sorry if this is coming across as cruel and unkind. My intention is not that but to let you know that it is time for you to get on with your life and take control again.

If you want to email me, please do and we can chat or something and maybe I can help you in some way.

Ryan,

Dean Grey said...

ITPhDude!

Oh my goodness!!

I did not expect such a blunt response, Ryan!

I've suffered with depression ever since I was a small child so for me to just "snap out of it" is not being realistic. It took years to get like this, I'm assuming it'll take just as many to undo it.

I agree that I need to sit down and decide what I want to do with my life. I guess I've been living in my own little world that it's really quite hard to see the bigger picture. Perhaps it's easier to fail than to try and succeed?

I'm taking your advice to heart and yet I must do it in my own way on terms that are right for me.

But I do appreciate the concern and the honesty!

-Dean

Sheila said...

You've the energy to post. You've the energy to respond to some of the comments. I'll have to agree with Ryan. Start taking care of yourself by seeing a doctor. Some of this could be medical. *hugs*

Dean Grey said...

Sheila!

I'm giving it some thought.

Thanks for the hugs!

-Dean

stanw said...

"thinking about dying.....come for me soon." Those are dreadful words, Dean, dreadful in that you have your whole life before you. There is no certainty that you will be depressed for ever, that what is going on right at this moment will be the same next week, next month, even tomorrow. You don't have a terminal illness that keeps you in excruciating pain, that hinders your every step, your every breath. You are a vital young guy with all the potential to achieve the best in life. You don't have to know what tomorrow holds, live today, start by listing the things that you can be thankful. 'I am thankful for.........1) 2) 3) 4) ,etc." I remember doing this for an hour once and still remember how it lifted me up. Try it, bet you can, bet you can!!

Stan

Ramesh Jhawar said...

Hi Dean!
I was away on a trip and saw your comment just now on my blog. Thanks so much!
I need to tell you only one thing! Be positive! Have the confidence and determination to succeed and I'm sure you will!
Cheers

suzanneberry said...

I recently went on about not being depressed on my blog. Some folks suggested I might be manic depressive and or need some help. It made me feel little, it made me feel vulnerable. I don't want to be thought of as weak, and I don't think you do either. I know life is very hard, I know it's so much harder when one has to do it all alone. I did it alone for 10 years after my first divorce and it was devastating, painful and overwhelming but the only way the universe could get my attention, to get me to become my own strongest supporter. I know I still have issues with my work, but I know I am there for myself. You are the only one responsible for what you feel, what you believe, no matter what is going on externally. The energy you're vibrating only attract more negativity, more things to be sad about. Please see someone, get some help, you can't do this alone. Please.

madtexter (corey james) said...

Hey Dean, I'm just now reading this. I hope your week has turned out for the better since Monday. I don't have any other words of advice apart from the wonderful words of wisdom that the commentors here have left.

I'm sure you've heard this saying before: "It's always darkest before the dawn." So, keep your head up, because that's the only way you'll see what's coming at you...and suspect it can only get better.

Quincifer said...

I think at times like this people are tempted to share their own bad experiences to make you feel like you aren't on your own. But I always find that just makes me feel a little worse.
So, in a bid to make you feel a tiny bit better, or at least take your mind off the way things are right now, watch this video -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY

You've probably seen it already, but there is something about this video that reassures me that things are ok :)

xx

Dean Grey said...

Stan!

Thank you for the suggestions!

And you're right, there is no certainty that I'll be depressed forever but at times it sure feels that way!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ramesh!

I'm trying to have confidence and determination to succeed but that's easier said than done sometimes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suzanne!

I'm sorry to hear you know what it feels like but am glad that you became your own support system.

In time, I hope I can get to that point too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

madtexter!

Yes, Corey, I've heard that quote before. I'll try keeping my head up but I'm not always able to.

And I am feeling better since Monday!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quincifer!

Thanks for the YouTube clip. Nope, never saw it until now!

So are you suggesting I get up and do a silly dance whenever I'm feeling blue? *(~_^)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate the words of kindness from all of you!

-Dean

melanie said...

Step into the sunshine, just a little everyday, even if it's the last thing you feel like'
Let the bright sun warm your eyes' even if they are closed tight, it will seep thru...
May it fill your chilled and weary soul with all the warmth you need to hold on until you are ready to do what it is you need to do for yourself, help yourself heal xox
In the meantime keep on drawing and painting and writing about your feelings, even if it doesn't feel like it it helps you thru.

artbyakiko said...

Hi Dean! Maybe you need a pet. When I feel depressed, I go to the zoo with my camera because I always feel better afterwords. Big hugs to you. ~Akiko

Ekanthapadhikan said...

I wanted to say many things to you Dan. But after going through a few responses for this post and your reply, I think I've nothing new to say. But know that I feel we are two men on the same boat though I deliberately try to be happy and happening most of the time and bottle up things in me. I wouldn't ask you to follow me, for I'm no better than you. I wouldn't ask you to help me 'coz I'm not a good student either. But I'll stand by you, come what may, 'coz I'm a good friend and you can sure keep your bet on that.

Dean Grey said...

Melanie!

I will keep drawing and painting and writing about my feelings. It DOES help me through.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Akiko!

I'm not sure I want a pet at this stage in my life. I thought about it though!

I appreciate the hugs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ekanthapadhikan!

How sweet of you! I'll stand by you as well, Ekan!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to the three of you for the encouraging comments!

-Dean

Grandma Yellow Hair said...

Just found your site tonight and so happy that I did. Listen Young Man you are so blessed with a God given talent that I pray you get up out of that bed and use your gift.
I can see by all the comments that you are cared for very much so REACH out to us and know that most everyone has had those thoughts but you have to get help and most all know that tomorrow could bring someone into your life that changes everything for you.
HANG in there. Remember you are loved
I will be back to check on you and see your beautiful art
Maggie

Mary Sheehan Winn said...

I imagine that having no insurance is preventing you from seeking medical treatment or medication, both of which will change things quite drastically for you.
Hoping to die when you are so young, is unnatural and screams clinical depression. You can't snap out of it without medications. Go to a mental health clinic immediately and find out what they can do for you. I can see in this beautiful leaf you've painted, the vibration of life and that is reason enough to want to live and paint more!! {{{dean}}}

Dean Grey said...

Grandma Yellow Hair!

I'm glad you found me, Maggie!

"Tomorrow could bring someone into your life that changes everything for you."

That sure would be nice!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mary!

I appreciate the concern more than you know!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to both of you ladies!!

-Dean

Carol Nelson said...

Dean!
Please come back from your MAD WORLD. Now every time I hear that song ( I like Adam Lambert's version), I think of you.
I need your insightful comments and don't want to go looking for you on the dark side.
Paint a flower today - or maybe a leftover turkey carcass.
Love you, Carol

Dean Grey said...

Carol!

Don't worry, I'm still here.

Your concern doesn't go unnoticed and I appreciate it!

-Dean

Peachtreeart said...

It's amazing that someone else is like me and can sleep the day away and still sleep through the night. I'd rather be sleep than wake, especially when my son isn't home.

I've been reading your blog...hope u don't mind, but it has been like reading the thoughts in my head. I have to admit it has gotten better (as far as just accepting that this is the normal me) since I've entered my 40s...I feel your pain and emptiness....

Dean Grey said...

Peachtreeart!

I appreciate you reading my older blogposts.

I'm sorry to hear you can relate to this.

The only real words I can give to you is that life constantly changes. A year ago I was unemployed and sleeping the day away. Now I'm working two part-time jobs and can never get enough sleep!

You hang in there!

(((HUGS)))

-Dean