Friday, November 6, 2009

"It's just not going to work out."


That was what the office manager said to me on the phone, just days after my interview with her last week.

God knows I have low self-esteem but when someone else doesn't believe in me, well, it doesn't help any. It was discouraging when she told me all the reasons I wasn't qualified for the position, focusing on what I didn't know rather than what I could do.

It left me feeling disappointed, deflated, and down.

*long, deep sigh*


The experience leading up to the bad news was nice though. I took the train into the city and felt so free upon arrival....like coming home! I'd forgotten how much I miss wandering around the Loop.

On the El were professionals going to work and students off to class. People who had real lives and were going somewhere. In that moment, all dressed up for the interview, I felt like fit in with them. I felt normal for a little while.

I got my hopes up....again....and had to mourn the loss of what could be. That job would've allowed me to rent a small apartment somewhere nice and live a more independent life. A chance to change things for myself. Now I'm back at square one. Still unemployed and on unemployment.

When I told a former coworker that I didn't get the job he said, "When you get knocked down, you stand up, dust yourself off and try again."

Yes, I do believe in that but I've fallen so many times, it's becoming harder and harder to rebound. Sometimes I just want to stay down and give up trying altogether.

Things aren't going in the direction I want. Will they ever? At times I no longer think so. Maybe all of it is true.....it's just not going to work out.

30 comments:

James said...

Unlike your former coworker, I won't blow sunshine up your ass by telling you things'll work out. I'm not a seer and I can't predict the future and God knows you're trying and nothing's happening.

The thing I will say is to try to have a little faith in your abilities. Just because other people are morons and don't respect your abilities doesn't mean you don't have them. *hugs*

naturgesetz said...

I'm sorry to hear that that was her decision. Were you able to get any explanation from her as to why she thought it wasn't going to work out?

Does the unemployment agency provide any sort of career counseling?

Don't give in to that feeling of wanting to stay down. Your former coworker is right.

Hang in there. Persist.

Dean Grey said...

James!

I appreciate the honesty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

naturgesetz!

At first I was told they were looking for someone without a medical background so the person could be trained from scratch. Then over the phone I was told they were looking for someone with more of a medical background.

WTF?!

How can I prove I can learn it without them even giving me a chance?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to both of you gentlemen for your comments!

-Dean

robertga99 said...

I will blow a little smoke up your ass...if you let me :)
I don't really know you but I can say that this economy is tough. I truly believe in normal times you would be able to get a job quickly. Things are just SO much tougher these days. Employers can be extremly picky and less apt to give someone a chance unless they meet the exact requirements they are looking for. The unemployment numbers are high but I don't think even those tell the true story of how bad it is. It is hard to stay positive but nothing ever stays wrong that long. It's always darkest b4 dawn...your dawn is coming!

pathetic prophet said...

I've got faith in you. Despite your depressive side, I see all kinds of GOOD qualities in you just waiting to explode (yeah, I realize after using that word that it's part of your blog name, and part of what you hope for). Your dreams and talents are valid, and need to be hung on to, and affirmed. There's beauty in the ugliness that you see

Steven Anthony said...

Dean: I dont really know you, just from your blogs....but God it seems like you have been knocked down alot as of late...I too have had a rough two yrs....the song I relate to is Mad world by Adam Lambert, it really speaks to me and my life, maybe it will you too. I do not pretend to have any answers, I will not blow smoke up your ass...just keep hanging on, I have seen your talent, try and rest/believe in that...and as always contact me if you ever want/need a shoulder/ear litchford99@gmail.com

hang on, peace
Steven

Manon Doyle said...

Hi Dean,

Well.... that job was not meant to be. I know you need one now but something better will come up. I believe things happen for a reason and you might not know why yet but you will. Trust me!!

manon

Cooper said...

Dean I so feel what your saying in this post and I have super low self esteem I think you can tell that when you read my blog. I really don't have any advice I am learning as I go and taking a big chance this weekend. I do believe the right thing will come along and you will look back on this and say I didn't need it and I have something better. Chin up Sexy!

Quincifer said...

Try not to let it get you down.
When I lost my job in March it took me 2 and a half months and 112 (yes 112!) job applications to get a new job. It feels horrible to be in that situation but you just gotta keep going.
Good luck xx

Dean Grey said...

robertga99!

Yes, times are tough for a lot of people not just myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

pathetic prophet!

That's very nice of you to say!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steven!

Thanks for that!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Manon!

I'm trusting you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cooper!

I hope you're right about something better coming along.

The best of luck to you as well!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The kind words from all of you is greatly appreciated!

-Dean

Sheila said...

I agree with Manon. You don't want to work with someone who can't see your intellect, creativity and potential anyway.

I've been turned down, passed over promotions many times. It hurts the ego but if you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect others to? Hey, I'm hurting for money too. I'm being turned down for job because I'm a single mom with a tight schedule revolving my kids and being passed over for young adults like you. Hang in there kiddo.

Dean Grey said...

Quincifer!

112 applications!?!?! I gasped out loud at that!

There's hope for me then, huh?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sheila!

I'll try to hang in there!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate hearing from you two ladies!

-Dean

madtexter (corey james) said...

If a potential employer says to you "it's just not gonna work out", as a response to your interview, then you probably don't want to work with someone like that.

I loathe tactless people.

If that's the best constructive criticism they can offer, then they really don't have any idea of who they actually want to hire, and they've made it personal - an incredible faux pas.

Trust me. I know. I work in human resources.

Kathleen Coy said...

Dean, if you could have the life you wanted, what would it look like? What kind of job would you have? Where would you live? What kind of people would be around you? What would your financial situation be like? How would these ideal situations make you feel? Imagine it for a moment.

Thinking about questions like these and getting very clear about what it is that you want might go a long way towards turning things around for you. It might sound a little out there, but putting your focus on what you want, rather than on what you don't have, sends a pretty powerful message to yourself and the universe.

Wishing you the best!

joanne May said...

Hi Dean,
I am new to your blog and I found your post interesting because I feel everyone has felt the way you feel right now!
I'm sorry to hear about your job...
Knock backs are part of life unfortunately and they do tend to make you question who you are as a person and they bruise the ego...
I have had many rejections too in my life, so now I do not expect too much from people or work situations anymore.
Even if the the best opportunity does come my way I am always cautious. I feel this is a positive way to be and quite liberating because if or when, things do go wrong you can handle it better and calmly in a more balanced way.
I know it is not always easy but we are in a difficult time right now, economically, so you might as well take things easy. Things will change for the better I'm sure for you in the future...If I were you I would focus on your art and keep busy with that, while you have some spare time.
I admire your honesty in this post.

Best wishes. Jo May.
P.S. I am now following you!;)

amar said...

Dean, I'm so sorry that you didn't get the job. I wish I could package some hope and send it to you.

You are an intelligent, strong-willed, determined young man with a lot of love and compassion for humanity. Good things will happen for you. Sometimes we have to go through hell to get to heaven. The key is to keep moving so you don't stay in hell. You do keep moving and that is how I know you will be alright. Just hang in there, please.

All the best,
Amar

Randuwa said...

Dean ~ What would it take to make your life what you desire? You clearly have amazing talents. And you are not one to conform or play the games that most of us confront every day...the dance of the zeitgeist. This blog of yours has shone you that others believe in you. I hope you always take great comfort and energy in that. Anyone who ever told anyone that life is easy was either a liar or an imbicile. Life is raw. And the deeper you strive to know life, the greater your pain and the greater your joy. That's the pendulum. That's the price. We survive the pain with the support of friends, we comprehend the fullness of joy by sharing it with our friends.

Your friend, randy

Dean Grey said...

Corey (madtexter)!

Sure, I probably didn't want to work for them and yet I need a job and would be willing to work for them. See the difference? Sometimes you put up with crap because you need to work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kathleen!

Thinking about your questions made me smile. I'm quite sure I know the answers to all of those but they are kind of personal.

I think I put them off to the side for fear they would never come to fruition. So in a sense, I control the dream in its dormancy rather than take the risk and lose everything.

Does this make sense? But you're right, I do have to focus more on what I truly want in life. It's just SO hard to stay determined and on track when the desire isn't always there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joanne!

Welcome to my blog and thanks for the words of wisdom!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amar!

I will try to keep moving but it's not always easy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Randuwa!

"And the deeper you strive to know life, the greater your pain and the greater your joy."

I couldn't have said it better myself, Randy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to everyone for the support and thoughtful advice!!

-Dean

MartininBroda said...

Sigh. My honest best wishes are with you.

jason said...

Oh, wow...that sucks.
Seriously.
But I've been in those shoes before myself. It's hard I know.
Sometimes you just can't "rebound" quite so quickly, you can't force it. You gotta grieve the loss first, I think.
Anyway, my fingers are crossed for you, and as others can see( probably more objectively than you can) your talent will pull you on through!

Anna T. said...

Hi Dean - My theory is that there is a 'magic number' out there in terms of job apps - once you have applied for x number of jobs, you will get one. When I applied for jobs a few years back, the odds were 2:40, (40 apps, 2 offers), then 1:10 a few years later - so - there is always hope!

On another note, did you ever read The Artist's Way?

Carolina said...

Dean,
I'm sorry for reading that. I haven't lived in the US so I really don't know how easy it could be to find a job, but here that's what you have to deal with normally, here people are so used to be rejected on each job they inverview for, that we've learned to live with it. And finally, at the 30th-40th interview we get a job (a 'willing' to work at job, not necessarily a 'wishing' to work at). I'm sorry for the way they've put things in their explanation to you, that part sounds terribly unfair, impolite, and unprofessional. Try again and again, you'll find something and you'll end up stronger.
Best regards,
Carolina

Kelley Carey MacDonald said...

OK, Dean, here's my favorite saying (again, probably): Fall down 7 times. Get up 8 times.
I know it feels like a million rejections, but sometimes it's really FOR THE BEST. You never know, they might actually be HORRID to work for. There's something good coming your way. Keep your eyes open. What a jerk, though, seriously, why would you say that to an applicant?

Kiddo, I want you to visit my blog to see that I've given you an award. You've most likely already gotten it, but there's no rule that you can't get it again. I love your blog and I love your art, sweetie.

Dean Grey said...

Martin!

Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason!

Only time will tell if my talents will indeed pull me through!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anna T.!

That almost sounds like playing the lottery!

I never heard of the book but will look into it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carolina!

I'm sure it's tough in other countries as you pointed out.

I will keep trying!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kelley!

It's true they might've been horrid to work for but they could've wonderful to work for too! Now I'll never know.

I'm stopping by your blog to see what I've won!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate the supportive comments from all of you!

-Dean

Meeko Fabulous said...

Oh Dean, you know how I feel about office managers as it is . . . morons! I would hire you in a heartbeat! :)

JM said...

I'm with Manon: maybe that job was not meant to be... Cheer up, Dean!

Dean Grey said...

Meeko!

How sweet of you to say!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JM!

Thank you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You two gentlemen can stop by anytime!

-Dean

Gwen Bell said...

Hey...her LOSS! Know you can always count on your friends here to encourage and support you.

After 56 and many many disappointments in life I can tell you with conviction that every down time in life is a time for reflection and finding out who you really are. And every down time ALWAYS opens up wonderful, unexpected things. Sometimes so wonderful you have to pinch yourself. You just keep on keeping on until it happens. As hard as is is, try to be introspective and ask what you can learn about yourself, what you really want, what's really important. Remind yourself that nothing is stagnant. If you keep moving forward in deeper areas, so will your life.

Mary Sheehan Winn said...

The office manager is a jerk. Just hang in there. That particular job wasn't meant to be.

I found this blog that is hilarious. You won't be able to hold back the chuckles.
http://slightlycrankywaitress.blogspot.com/

Go check it out.

Dean Grey said...

Gwen!

I hope you are right!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mary!

I just checked out the link. Man, and I thought my old job sucked! Poor girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate hearing from you two ladies!

-Dean