Monday, November 30, 2009

"Lord, have mercy....."

To my left was a life-size statue of Jesus with hands turned inward towards His heart. Colored votive candles shimmered at His sandaled feet.

My eyes kept welling up and occasional tears ran down my flushed cheeks. I was
soooo self-conscious. Thank God I sat in a back pew off to the side so no one would notice.

It had been twelve
years since I last went and something I wanted to do for the longest time. After over a decade, I finally attended mass last week. I decided upon evening mass at St. Peter's Church in the Loop, hoping it wouldn't be too crowded with all the commuters heading home from work.

Feeling awkward and out of place, I started to cry as soon as I sat down. Oh, and I forgot to genuflect on my way in.

Everyone was nicely spread out so I had my own little space. I am NOT one for crowds! There was an assortment of people present. Older, younger, somewhere in between. Businessmen, housewives, and some homeless strewn about. All at church praying for different things.

When mass actually started I didn't know all the procedures or phrases to reply with. With folded hands, I rose when everyone else stood and knelt when everyone else did. I was more of a quiet observer than an active participant that day.

The priest read from
the Book of Daniel and said to the attentive crowd, "Do what you can, in difficult circumstances, with faith."

I had to keep turning toward the wall and looking down, embarrassed someone might see the tears streaming down my face.

Emotional not because of what I'd done in life but
what I didn't do. I've knowingly let my life slip by and am NOT living up to my full potential. Wasting life is as big a sin as any in my opinion.

Needless to say, going to mass was a roller coaster of an experience but I'm glad I eventually did it.

Will I go back? I sure hope so. There are very specific things missing in my life right now and I think I found one of them that evening.

Next time though I'll remember to genuflect....and to bring plenty of tissues!
Lord, have mercy.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Watercolor with gouache on watercolor paper - 6" x 6" (SOLD)

Crumbling v. 1. Breaking into small fragments. 2. Disintegrating gradually.

It just spoke to me, I guess, so I picked it off the cold ground and took it home. Fallen, mottled, already spent. An autumn leaf that was damaged and unwanted. I could identify with that.

In past years I used to paint fall leaves with overly intense colors and made sure they were perfectly formed. But now it seems I'm drawn to how things really are, flaws and all, rather than seeking out an ideal.

Faded colors, brittle edges, cracks, and holes. I wanted to capture a grittier portrayal.

How many can honestly say they see the beauty in the ugliness? Who actively looks for something flawed, scarred, and worthless?

I wonder if I'll meet someone that can accept my faults, my imperfections, my "issues". After all, who wants a shattered soul that's so clearly damaged and fragile?

Perhaps that's too much to ask of anyone.

Or maybe like withered fall leaves, they'll just continue to pass me by as I lay fallen, unwanted....crumbling.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sleeping the day away.....

I've been thinking about dying lately. Hoping it would come for me soon.

These past couple weeks have been quite hard. Feeling worn out, extremely depressed, emotional, lonely, spiritless.

Though I'm constantly surrounded by family members, I don't feel close to them, or rather, I feel "detached" from them. And the few friends I have, I haven't heard from in a while.

It's not easy going through difficult periods in life all by yourself. I keep bracing myself, trying to remember that I've gone it alone before and I know I can trudge along and do it again. A loner I was bred and a loner I shall always be!

Most of the time I'm just so tired of everything, I try sleeping the day away. Pity I have to wake up and feel like this all over again.

When I'm not helping my aunt and uncle, lately my free days consist of sleeping, getting up to eat something, then lying back down to rest. My time is so limited as it is, that not much artwork gets done when I'm in bed all day.

How ironic that my uncle is struggling right now, wanting to live and I'm struggling right now, wanting to die.

I lay my head into the softness of the pillow, shut my tear-filled eyes, and escape from the rest of the world for a little while. Praying tomorrow I'll feel better. Disappointed when I end up feeling worse.

How I wish I had a strong shoulder to cry on. A willing ear to whisper my fears to. Someone to go to bed with.

For now, rest will be my comfort from the cruelty of existence. Ahhhh....let reality slip through relaxed fingers and the pain run down my sheets once more as I start sleeping the day away.

Friday, November 6, 2009

"It's just not going to work out."

That was what the office manager said to me on the phone, just days after my interview with her last week.

God knows I have low self-esteem but when someone else doesn't believe in me, well, it doesn't help any. It was discouraging when she told me all the reasons I wasn't qualified for the position, focusing on what I didn't know rather than what I could do.

It left me feeling disappointed, deflated, and down.

*long, deep sigh*

The experience leading up to the bad news was nice though. I took the train into the city and felt so free upon coming home! I'd forgotten how much I miss wandering around the Loop.

On the El were professionals going to work and students off to class. People who had real lives and were going somewhere. In that moment, all dressed up for the interview, I felt like fit in with them. I felt normal for a little while.

I got my hopes up....again....and had to mourn the loss of what could be. That job would've allowed me to rent a small apartment somewhere nice and live a more independent life. A chance to change things for myself. Now I'm back at square one. Still unemployed and on unemployment.

When I told a former coworker that I didn't get the job he said, "When you get knocked down, you stand up, dust yourself off and try again."

Yes, I do believe in that but I've fallen so many times, it's becoming harder and harder to rebound. Sometimes I just want to stay down and give up trying altogether.

Things aren't going in the direction I want. Will they ever? At times I no longer think so. Maybe all of it is's just not going to work out.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

"Day of the Dead skull" ACEO

Watercolor and ink on watercolor paper - 2 1/2" x 3 1/2" (SOLD)

Start eating your sugar skulls and assemble your ofrendas! It's time to celebrate el Día de los Muertos also known as the Day of the Dead! Tan emocionante!!

This Mexican holiday occurs on November 1st and 2nd, when the dead are honored and remembered.

Inspired by this festive event, I created this Day of the Dead skull!

Skulls are said to represent death and rebirth while butterflies symbolize the souls of the deceased.

I wanted a design and color scheme that just pops!

There's something so eye-catching about Mexican Art that draws me in. So full of life and color and tradition. Maybe I was a Mexican girl in another life. That would explain everything!!

Here's to hoping everyone has a maravilloso time....both the living and the deceased!