Saturday, August 29, 2009

Taking the long way home.....


When I reached the bustling city I felt anxious but relieved. After an entire week of not leaving the house, I finally managed to take the train downtown yesterday. I ran a few errands and treated myself to an afternoon movie in the Loop.

It was so nice to get away from things for a while. Afterwards, I sat by the Chicago Riverwalk, taking in the mighty skyline and the earthy smell of the water just a stone's throw away.

So serene and beautiful and lovely!

The Chicago Riverwalk near Centennial Fountain

Friday was cloudy and cool, almost chilly. Just the way I like it!

I deliberately picked a spot rarely traveled by tourists and had the area mostly to myself. It reminded me that I'm still alone yet I felt so open and free! And I would give up being with someone if it meant absolute freedom any day!

For over 2 1/2 hours I sat by the riverwalk and thought about things. I just didn't want to go home....back to the way things were. I guess I wanted to stretch the moment out for as long as I possibly could.

And before finally leaving, I said a prayer of thanks. That I may have this feeling again someday. That it wouldn't just be a fleeting thing but that I could truly be free!

For now a piece of my heart will stay with the city until I return from the sadness.

Is the depression gone? No, it never will be. It comes in waves and intensities and right now it's lessened compared with earlier in the week.

I feel like I can get some much needed drawing and painting done again, which is what I intend to do!

Thank you, everyone!!

16 comments:

naturgesetz said...

Before you left your place on the Riverwalk, you said a prayer of thanks. When I read this post, I said a prayer of thanks too, that the depression has lessened to the degree it has. I'm looking forward to seeing you post abut some of the work you will be doing, and maybe bidding on it if you put it up for auction.

MartininBroda said...

I’m glad to read this, have a great Sunday.

Deborah@ The Painted Nest said...

Dean, Your life is about to make a wonderful change !!! Keep your chin UP!!! ~~~~Deborah

James said...

I've noticed my depression goes in cycles or waves as well. Just do what you did today when the intensity of the depression lessens...enjoy every minute of it!

Meeko Fabulous said...

Yay Dean! Sometimes some alone time gives us the opportunity to mull things over and put things into perspective. Can't wait to see what masterpiece you come up with next!

Lori said...

Dean
Oh sweet Dean, BRAVO to you! Your tenderness as a person is so remarkable, never lose that! Bless you that you found some healing time! My son was in Chicago this week and took some marvelous pictures, I'm just mad I didn't get to go! Broke! Take care dear one, you took a step, and it felt good, that's what counts! A hug to you! Lori

Manon Doyle said...

Hi Dean,
Glad you got out! One step at a time! Hopefully your fog will soon lift completely! Throw yourself into your art! You will find that it can be very therapeutic!

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I just recently stumbled upon your blog through way of Chicago Guy's blog. I do not know you, however, I think you are very creative, talented, and just like many artistic people, super over-sensitive.

It is clear from your writing that you are in a clinical depression. Hell, you may even be bi-polar and might not know it. This sort of condition can be treated medically and through therapeutic treatment. I fear if you continue down your current path of isolationism and deep depression you will turn to the dark side, eg, suicide.

I have been down the path that you are currently walking. It is a long story, as most are, and I will not bore you with the details and play the game of my sorrow is worse than yours. To the person experiencing what you are going through it is rough enough. And no matter what I say, you will have to reach your own epiphany by experiencing your own darkness in the valley.

It is not easy, I know from my own experiences, as I stated before. Therefore, what I suggest you do is go down to the social services office and apply for Illinois State Medicaid and even Federal Medicare. If you are eligible it will be a long painful process but that is what those services were originally intended for; to help those out of short-term emotional, economic, and social hardships so that citizens could be productive once again. This is what F.D.R. had in mind when he developed these programs through the years of the Great Depression. They have turned in to something all together different than what was originally intended, however, I digress.

Apply for these services, and even call or get in touch with an emergency mental health service and be seen. Get your depression under control before the depression-monster takes control of you and it is too late. Also, I do not know you, however, I know for myself if I miss a day of exercising at the gym I feel less of myself. I am depressed, my mind is unclear, etc. If you do not do it, try and find a gym that you can join to exercise. You might even want to look into your local YMCA. Usually the Y has a sliding scale membership or a scholarship program for those that are in financial difficulties. Please, do not poo-poo this suggestion. Do not underestimate the power of physical activity and stimulation to alter your mental status.

I also suggest that you re-evaluate your career choice and what you want to do with your professional life. I had to do that at one point in my life as well. Investigate what your professional interests are in light of your talent set. You appear to be a talented artist. Is there a career choice such as teaching art with children or the disabled that you would find emotionally and professional stimulating? If so, you can get your MA in Art Therapy while you are down-and-out and then make a good living at utilizing your skill set and performing a job function that is financially, emotionally, spiritually, and professionally rewarding, fulfilling, and stimulating.

Think about it. Just living inside your sadness does not help. Although I understand the compunction to do so, it is that feeling that you must fight or in the end that is all you will be left with.

I hope this will be helpful to you. If not, you can always delete it with ease I am sure. Good luck to you.

Ryan.

Dean Grey said...

naturgesetz!

Thank you!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Martin!

You have a great Sunday too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deborah!

I will try to keep my chin up! It's not always easy though!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James!

I tried to do just that! To enjoy the moment while it lasted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meeko!

I appreciate it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lori!

Thanks for the support!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Manon!

Fill your heart with art, right? (~_^)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan (Anonymous)!

Whoa! And I mean, WHOA!

You win the record for sending me the LONGEST comment since I started this art blog of mine!!

Seriously though, thanks for taking the time out of your day to send me such thought-out response.

I agree with you about reaching my own epiphany by experiencing my own darkness in the valley.

Thanks for the ideas about the state provided services. I'll look into those.

As for exercise......I hate exercising!!

I appreciate ALL of the suggestions, Ryan!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to all of you for the wonderful encouragement!!

-Dean

Rain said...

Hey! That's so wonderful! I know how hard it must have been to actually get ready and leave the house! I've been in that situation and I always find that a solitary walk in the forest or climb up the mountain, just really shifts my thinking and my mood. And I can relate to what you said about being willing to give up being with someone. I've been alone for 15 years now, it started just as a disinterest because of the depression, but now, I can't even imagine losing my precious freedom. I'm so glad that you're feeling free instead of trapped! Wonderful news Dean, can't wait to see what you draw as a result of this step forward!! :)

Dolores said...

Yeah! Thanks for the photo. I do hope you get out to other places now. With people around or not. Just take a few photos - again with people or without.

Dean Grey said...

Rain!

Isn't freedom wonderful!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dolores!

I'll try to do it more often!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate hearing from you two ladies!

-Dean

stanw said...

Wow, I am so pleased that you got out and obviously had a great experience. It was good for you as evidenced by your giving thanks about it. Mentioning that, I remember how I feel after I deliberately stop and just give thanks even for the smallest things. Somehow lifts your spirit in a real way and stands out as something so valuable. Love the picture too.

Take good care. So happy for you. Y-E-S!!

Dean Grey said...

Stan!

Thank you!

-Dean

Jo said...

What a beautiful picture you posted, Dean, but mostly you described even more poetically and vivid than the photograph your own feelings.

I, too, rarely leave my house--especially to someplace unfamiliar.

Depression is a killer of ones soul that rampages and feeds off of our fears...

I pray you--and I--will fight out of it one day...

Peace, love and happiness,
~Jo
"Diary Of A Sad Housewife"

Dean Grey said...

Jo!

You're right that depression is a killer.

I appreciate the well-wishes and hope you can rise above it too!

-Dean