Sunday, August 16, 2009

Nothing goes as planned.....



"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."   --Anonymous

Imagine picking up a rock that instantly becomes pulverized and slips through your fingers like sand. You didn't even have a real chance to grasp it.

A chance. Everyone wants an honest-to-goodness chance in life.

Things never seem to go as planned. Job openings don't come through, goals are never fully achieved, relationships are strained and don't turn out the way I'd like.

I can't seem to move in the direction I want. Forget going in circles, it feels like I'm spiraling backwards and downwards. The disappointment weighs me down, time unwaveringly passes by, and I'm stuck, sinking into the viscous mire.

You feel foolish for getting your hopes up and yet are chastised for expecting things not to work out.

Has the universe failed me or have I failed it?

God only knows I've prayed and prayed for guidance. Are my unanswered prayers part of the plan too? I've lost my faith so many times, swearing never to go back, yet there I am like a dog with its tail between its legs, begging one more time for an answer.

So you begin again and it doesn't work out....again. And you try and fail and fail and fail. It all leaves me feeling stupid. Clearly I'm doing it wrong.

Or is it that deep down I hate myself so much that I sabotage the process because I think I'm undeserving of something good?

Have I planned to fail? Or is the lack of focus and determination, feeling sad and wasteful, wanting to let the dream die, just me failing to plan? Is it all out of my hands at this point? Like fine sand, are the dreams out of my grasp?

When putting all these thoughts together for this post, the plan was for it to be concise and focused. But it's become a series of scattered ramblings instead. Silly Dean, I should've known....nothing goes as planned.

15 comments:

stanw said...

Dean,

I don't have the answers but lately have been feeling much like you just posted. Man, I relate to thinking I sabotage everything & feeling that somehow I am undeserving of something good. When you made the statement about 'letting the dream die?' I saw that is exactly what I have done so often. Want so many things to happen but then give up when the going gets rough. Then you said about planning to fail, exactly what I did, that is sad to say.

What you have said is so insightful to me. Greg, if we work on these things I think we will certainly be in a better place. I pray and encourage you to keep on. The illustration of sand is such a good one. You're an awesome guy. You inspired me.

Stan

naturgesetz said...

Those are good questions, which only you can answer.

All I can say is, don't give up. Maybe you won't have the chance to realize your dream right now. But maybe you'll find a job which puts you in a better position somehow to achieve that dream. Certainly it is not unheard of that an artist needs some mundane job to pay the rent while he creates his artworks.

Hang in there, buddy. When the economy improves, finding a career-advancing job may become easier.

Carolina said...

Dean,
I feel bad for how you feel, I don't know how to help you from the distance, I just hope the best for you and want to tell you that keeping your faith is the best thing you can do. Please don't forget to see the big picture. This is a moment, that will make you stronger,more experienced.

Best regards,
Carolina

Dean Grey said...

Stan!

I'm sorry to hear you can relate to this post and yet am comforted to know others sometimes feel this way.

I appreciate your kind words!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

naturgesetz!

I will try to hang in there and not give up!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carolina!

I think I often look at things with a short-term point-of-view. Your advice to see things as part of a bigger picture is wise and just what I needed to hear!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to you three for the supportive comments!

-Dean

Pilgrim said...

You seem to hang in a Catch 22, Dean. Try to make the best out of it. And never loose your faith! Propz Pilgrim

Rain said...

Hello Dean!
My heart breaks reading your post today. Maybe that rock was solid, steady and predictable...but look at what it has become, smooth, flexible and free. You are very right that things rarely go as planned. But think of the new possibilities! I didn't plan to go through a burnout and end up on disability for the rest of my days! I actually hated this situation for the last 6 years, also feeling stuck here in quebec as you know, made it worse. I felt utterly defeated by feelings of failure, anxiety, depression, anger...add that to an income cut in half, too much medication that was making me a zombie and the seemingly endless and boring free time that I couldn't fill...it was NOT a good 6 years! I still feel like my goal is to go back to work at some point, but my plan to get there has changed drastically. I spent a lot of time isolated in the mountains, reading and thinking about how I wanted to live my life, was it possible and what steps do I need to take to achieve my goals. Some were unrealistic - FOR NOW! Like, I wanted to live in Italy, but that can't happen and more likely won't, so I'll learn to speak Italian instead and maybe visit one day.

I decided that I would take every necessary step to leave quebec, find a little house to rent by the ocean and go back to school. Well, that plan took a lot of time and thought and sacrifice, but after 3 years of planning, I'm realizing that this year. There were SO many setbacks! My original plan was to leave a year ago, but every imagineable problem shot up...car repairs, dental emergencies, veterinary expenses, having to move from one cottage to another....I felt like I would never make it, always be a failure and that God hated me. Yeah, I'm still on the fence with the faith issue. But one day I decided nothing would stop me and I took steps daily to make sure I surrounded myself with positivity. I still am doing a silly countdown towards my ever-approaching moving date, but it keeps my focused. At this point, I'm still worried that another emergency will pop up and cancel my plans again...but I'm really trying to keep my attitude positive. Oh btw, hope is a very good thing! And nobody, including yourself should chastize you for having hope!

Sorry for the novel here, I just wanted to share how I got out of it, hoping it helps you a bit!

Lori said...

Dean
30th birthday? What was that? Didn't celebrate it. This year I'm celebrating 46..again! Not the 5-0 crap, over the hill and black balloon nonsense.You will see life gets better, know how? Love yourself regardless of shitty people and shitty jobs and lying loves. Too many years of beating myself, and therapy and wondering why does it always happens to me! Wish I could say it had happened sooner, this light bulb of sorts, but it didn't. Know what? People ruin us, seriously, they did me. And now, the world is finally at my feet cause I woke from a dark, long dream.Dreams my very handsome friend are the one thing no one is ever gonna take from me,or you. I have over dreamt the last 10 years, but dreaming, ahhh, the sheer sound of it is so satisfying. You are a very talented guy from what I see. And I will read more later. Living in No. In. sadly I don't get to Chicago except O'Hara. But, thank you for taking ME on a tour with the wonderful pictures.I'm sending you a warm, cuddly hug cause I don't get comments or attention from handsome men, rather I get none at all. Cause where men are seen as powerful, I am seen as a classic bitch. Its such a drag! Hey, I love a cloudy day more then sunny too. Love ya,Lori

Deborah@ The Painted Nest said...

Sweet Dean!!! Hang in there dear!! You're answer is right around the corner!! We never know when the doors will open or what BRIDGE God will provide to take you to the place of your "DREAMS". Sweet Dean~~~DARE TO DREAM!!! ONLY GREAT MEN DREAM and IN THE DREAMING ~ GREAT THINGS HAPPEN~BUT IT STARTS WITH THE "DREAMER" !!! I can't wait to see what God does with you and your DREAMS!!!~~~~Deborah

Dean Grey said...

Pilgrim!

I will try!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rain!

Thanks for the "novel" (lol). It does help knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.

I like the idea of the rock becoming sand as something that's more flexible and free-flowing. I never thought of it like that.

You said, "One day I decided nothing would stop me....". I guess I need to get to that point. If I can just become focused like a laser and motivate myself I'm pretty sure I could be unstoppable!!

That's of course easier said than done!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lori!

It's comforting to hear that life gets better with age.

Loving oneself is something I really struggle with at the moment. That will take time and self-healing obviously.

I appreciate your encouraging words!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deborah!

Thanks for this! I WILL keep dreaming!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you all for the wonderful words of wisdom!

-Dean

Rain said...

Hi again! I do agree that it easier said than done! Took me 3 years to get to this point, and although I had the financial and physical setbacks...the mental game was the more excrutiating. I had actually cancelled my plans at one point last winter. Completely cancelled them. But it just hit me one day that I refuse to settle any more, life is too short...I hope it hits you too, lol...sounds violent, lol! Take care!

Dean Grey said...

Hi again, Rain!

I'm happy you got to that point in your life where you just made it happen.

I hope it hits me too!

-Dean

Lori said...

Dean
I feel bad when I said I can finally love myself. And I feel even worst that I had the nerve to say it. Ever since I was like 5-6 I always felt inferior. All through school I was the prime target of bullies. Two husbands both were verbally abusive. No one comforts me, no one understands. This shit head depression has honestly in a morbid way has been my best friend. It has always been at my side. You know I guess it began, me finally liking myself, when I quit fighting what I couldn't change. That being who I am and what others dislike. That I have chronic depression that no one understands, but I do. Seriously Dean, you know those rainy days we like? Well I actually like being depressed those days, I'm most creative and seriously most comfortable with me. I start school on the 31, a university full of young people, 67% young people. I know I'll be looked at, maybe even hate it. I know many will dislike my knowledge. But hell, like hell, ask me do I care? You know I look at your profile and there is such a tenderness about you. A gentleness, a kindness, a sensitive soul. I don't feel I'm alone in seeing this. When I read your sadness I could envelope you in my arms, laugh at mean people and tell you your wonderful. Why do we have to wait so long to feel comfortable in our own skin? I hope I one day find this answer for alot of people. Don't mean to be offensive, but its like when I got this fuck off attitude towards people and its taken so long, cause I refused to listen to my brilliant therapist, I feel free. Dean, hope you can feel my emotions towards you and your feelings, your very special. Please feel better this weekend, I'll think about you. Were not that far apart, just stand in the wind and think of my embrace. Peace darling one, peace.

Dean Grey said...

Hi again, Lori!

I too, suffer from a chronic depression that always wants to stick around longer than I'd like.

I agree with you, that creativity and depression go hand-in-hand. That's why I talk about it so much on my blog. The depression directly affects my creativity and productivity....and not necessarily in a good way.

Congrats to you that you're starting school at the end of the month! You will stand out being a bit older but that's not always a bad thing.

Best of luck to you and thanks for the heartfelt, candid comments!

-Dean

suzanneberry said...

Beautifully written! I want to write something that will fill your heart with hope. Don't give up on Dean and don't give up on God. There's nothing so blinding as perception of form. Please don't be offended, I would not even mention this if you hadn't referenced God in your post, but have you ever investigated A Course in Miracles? I'll leave it at that except to say you are a lovely, sweet, insightful person and I sincerely hope that someday very soon things go at you planned. best, suz

Dean Grey said...

Suzanne!

I will try not to give up on myself.

I googled A Course in Miracles after you mentioned it.

Your kind words of encouragement mean a lot!

Thank you!

-Dean