Thursday, August 27, 2009

Face the day.....



It's not easy to face the day when you really don't want to.

The morning sunlight bleeds through the blinds and I curse under my breath, making me want to draw the curtains closed. Trains can be heard rumbling by across the street. The same trains I used to take to work.

I pull the sheets and pillows over my head and lie awake for hours like a zombie. Numb and detached. Waiting for the day to end and saddened to know tomorrow and the day after that will be exactly the same.

This has been such a terrible week. Unproductive and isolated and unhappy. I no longer think I have the strength to push through it. That I'm at its mercy now. My actions for the day depend on how I'm feeling rather than what I'd like to do.

And outside, life goes on but I'm not a part of it. It's hard to look out the window because I know I'm missing something. The world keeps spinning....like always and I'm hidden away....like always.

Wasting time, wasting potential, wasting away.

What a nothing I've become.

Everyday this week I've gotten ready in the morning to go downtown. But resistance, anxiety, and fear all told me "no" so I got undressed, put everything away, and went back to bed.

How sad when it takes all my strength and focus just to try and leave the house and I can't even do that!

Everyone else seems so well-adjusted and normal. Living life comes naturally to others yet I feel lost all the time. That can't be right.

Something is wrong when it feels like torture just having to get up. When it hurts to be awake. When it becomes a struggle....just to face the day.

17 comments:

Jess said...

I've been there. Maybe not for the same reasons, but I have, indeed, felt the weight on me, the urge to just stay in bed forever.

For me, it went on for a while, and I couldn't see it ever getting better. Then one day I woke up and it had passed. Strange. The hopeless feelings just went away, and I was able to get up and start over again.

I hope it happens for you.

By the way, I really enjoy your blog. You have a talented way with words.

Meeko Fabulous said...

Hi Dean. Everyone else "seems" well-adjusted and normal. But deep down, no one is well-adjusted. Normal? What's that?

sayrem said...

Wasting time, wasting potential, wasting away.

oh yes. I would know about that.

Dean Grey said...

Jess!

Thank you!

Just like that, it all went away? Hmmm....I'm not sure it will happen like that for me but I hope it does too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meeko!

I do agree with you somewhat. But I still think most people can function throughout the day and be relatively productive. Right now I can't even to that.

Is that normal? How long do those feelings last before it becomes abnormal?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

sayrem!

I'm sorry to hear you can relate to my words this time around.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to the three of you for commenting!

-Dean

naturgesetz said...

It sounds like depression, and I also hope it will go away by itself, but if it doesn't go soon, you'll have to do something about it, like seeing a doctor. It won't do to have you feeling this way long term.

Would making appointments for job interviews get you moving?

James said...

Dean, I can't pretend to know your particular circumstances, but I can claim to know those exact feelings. I don't have any quick fixits or magical solutions to your problems, but I might offer a couple thoughts that may or may not be useful.

Don't take on the totality of your existence. Take on one day at a time. Take on one hour at a time if necessary. Try to get through and get done those things that matter most in a time span that is manageable to you. This is sometimes how I have to function to get through a day and still be productive.

Second, I will just remind you that appearances can be fooling. Everyone has problems. I know very few people that are really close to having it all together. Try to be nicer to yourself, please?

So, I'm not blowing sunshine up your ass (pardon the phrase), but maybe you can learn some coping skills to help you get through this time.

Pilgrim said...

Dean, don´t let yourself drift along, DO s/thing to get a grip again on to your life! Maybe not selling via the net for random, but collect your works and ask galleries for an exhibition. Just an idea. Propz Pilgrim

Manon Doyle said...

Dean,

This happens to all of us but.... yes.... there's a but..... you've got to make yourself go out. It might not make you feel better right away but....yup another one.... you will get through your funk.

btw......who's normal?

Dean Grey said...

naturgesetz!

Yes, it's depression.

I can't exactly make appointments for job interviews. All I can do is apply for openings and hope they contact me....which is what I've been doing.

Thanks for the concern!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James!

Right now I am just taking it one day at a time. I can't really think long-term feeling like this.

Thank you for the coping suggestions!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pilgrim!

I'm definitely drifting right now and it's easier said than done to anchor myself down.

I appreciate the idea about my work being in an exhibition. But my style and subject matter vary so much I'm not sure that's even possible.

In time, maybe my work will be on display for all to see!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Manon!

I tried getting out....believe me. I guess I have to try harder, huh?

Artistic types definitely don't fit into the 'normal' mold IMHO. But I still do think everyday people going to their 9 to 5 jobs and raising their everyday families are pretty normal to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate the supportive words from all of you!

-Dean

Dolores said...

Dear Dean,
I cannot imagine what you are going through. I have never had any experience with the depression you seem to have.
I do hope you learn to love yourself and that this situation is just short term. Can you at least try to go out for a walk - perhaps with your camera? Something to show us? I loved your photos - and of course, your artwork.

Lori said...

Dean
Wow, I felt exactly the same today. restless but unmotivated, scared, you name it. I've been doing well up until this week, feels like the walls are closing in, yet I don't want to leave! Got up finally at 12;30 and didn't want to. Our situations are way different, but please take care. Must be something in our Mid-West air??

Lori said...

Dean
I have to add, its so wonderful that people care for you and want to uplift and support you. However, the big however....unless you have had clinical depression yourself, not your mother or sister or friend, you really have no idea what it feels like to stay in and not be able to walk out and can't. Anxiety also is such a crippler to face too. If Chicago gets any sun just sit right outside the door. Don't get dressed up if you don't want to,or even comb your hair, just step outside the door. Let the air, and sun, or maybe clouds just run through you. And for that day, or time you've made a step. Doesn't matter how small, it is a step. I have to get dressed, drive to the university and attend a meeting and then get my school photo id.UGH! But Saturday I'll be glued home recuperating. I face my depression as waves, I ride them and not fight them. If you do feel deeper then the norm of feeling depressed, do ask for help. For a period of 9 months I had to do anxiety and anti-depress. and then I moved on. Sometimes you need the boost to get over the hurdle. But yeah, I so agree with a writer, hour by hour, day by day, till you feel better. You'll know when you've come to the point to call a doc,I really think you will. But let me guess, probably no insurance? I hear ya. Check into what the city offers, clinic wise. Take care, remember just outside your door,fresh air, maybe sun.

Dean Grey said...

Dolores!

I hope to learn to love myself too.

I will try going out today.

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Lori!

Darn that Mid-West air!! LOL

Seriously though, I appreciate the advice.

I too, have learned to ride the depression in waves rather than directly fight it. You're right in that unless you've suffered with a deep, chronic depression you probably wouldn't understand how debilitating it can be.

Fresh air might help and I will give that a try!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to both of you ladies for the encouraging comments!

-Dean

Rain said...

Oh gosh...I feel for you Dean!!! I've felt like a nothing too. I spent 3 years in bed, only getting up to let the dogs out, feed them and occasionally feed me. I hope this isn't tmi, but even taking a shower and brushing my teeth was a challenge each day. I beat myself up mentally each day because I knew I was wasting precious time in this life. People didn't understand why I didn't just "snap out of it" (I wanted to snap them for saying that)...It's been 6 years since I've worked, and also since I've been diagnosed with depression and PTSD (among other things). And even though I know I've turned a corner...I still find everyday life a struggle and it's so frustrating. But again, I know that structure and a routine will help me feel myself again. People also don't understand when I say I'm too bored to do anything...I could read, go for a walk, knit, climb the mountain...but I just can't some days. I sure hope you get a little lift in spirit soon.
Take care!
Rain

stanw said...

Dean,

I hurt for you because I have been there in various ways. For me the problem has a lot to do with being by myself here, no one or nothing to get me motivated. Talking to myself only gets me farther into the bog, like trying to lift myself up by my bootstraps as someone has put it.

Like the idea of getting out in the sun, force myself to get out. So often after a day, evening or whatever inside, I kick myself that I missed the whole day. Right now that is something I have got to do, get out, it is a nice day. They gave me a day off (Birthday day to be taken in August whenever they let me) today.

Sorry to mention work. Dean, I sure do hope you find something soon, that is one thing that helps a guy (they say us men find satisfaction/value in our work/job). You WILL find something just right for you, believe it. Believe in yourself. Believe that you are loved. Believe that you deserve the best, because you do. Besides, I claim you as my brother, and my brother needs nothin' but the best!

Restless Mind said...

I'm sorry you feel that way Dean. I was just in that dark whole yesterday and spent most of my morning in bed. The trick that finally got me out are these three questions.

1. Am okay with what I'm doing right now?
2. Am I okay with the consequences?
3. What would I rather be doing?

Hope that helps you a little. If you don't feel too freaked out about giving me your mailing address, I will send you that book I was telling you about. That way, you don't have to get out and get it.

My addy: restlessmind2009@hotmail.com

Dean Grey said...

Rain!

It's not too much information at all. In fact, that's exactly how I feel most of the time. Getting dressed, combing my hair, putting in my contacts. Just doing those things can wear me out when I'm depressed.

I could relate to EVERYTHING you said (except the PTSD part).

I hope things pick up for you as well!!

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Stan!

You hit the nail on the head.

It's hard to motivate oneself when you feel all alone.

I've been kicking myself each day this week for not getting out. As you said, I missed out on another day. We'll both just have to force ourselves, I guess.

Enjoy your "birthday day" whenever you decided to take it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Restless Mind!

Interesting questions you posted. I'll have to give those a try.

I have to say I'm quite honored about the book offer. That is terribly, terribly nice of you and I just might have to take you up on that!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate the wonderful words of wisdom from you all!

-Dean