Thursday, May 21, 2009

Having a bad day.....



Today I felt like absolute shit. No, I don't mean sick with a cold.

Early this morning while checking e-mails, job listings, and the internet, I found an online profile of someone I used to talk to.

Seeing this person's picture got me so upset. My heart ached thinking how I could've done things differently with this person and in turn how different things would've been.

And before you knew it, that got me thinking about other things, which led to thoughts about even more things, and I ended up a teary-eyed mess in front of the computer.

Going back to bed was in order so I went to go brush my teeth. But seeing myself distressed in the bathroom mirror was a big no-no. Read my ugly self-portrait post and you'll see what I mean. At that moment, I felt so ugly and gross and wrong....like I'm not okay.

The hurt in my blue eyes. The tears running down my flushed cheeks. All I could do was clasp my mouth with my hands and watch my reflection weep. What an emotional fuck-up I am!

I had trouble falling asleep and the rest of the day was spent feeling depressed, anxious, irritated, tired, and worthless. How very sad. Sad, sad, sad.

Needless to say, absolutely no drawing or painting got done on my day off from work. How fucking unproductive!

It's days like this that make me want to quit altogether.

Go to hell, Dean. I'm so sick of you already.

22 comments:

Aleksandra said...

Hi Dean,here is one more sad person,today is than a some kind of bad day.Please,do not be that hard on your self,it is very important specialy on bad days.Remember that you are not alone in this,when ever you feel sad again,know that there are people thinking of you!I whish you a great weekend,greetings from Holland.
Sandra

Tracey Clarke said...

Dean, my friend, give yourself a break. Extend yourself a little grace, won't you, please? Hey, we all have things(or people) that trigger strong feelings. I just posted about that very thing. I have days like this, too.
Pick yourself up. Start listening to others and not the negative, distorted thoughts in your mind that SO, SO get us in deep trouble.
You are a wonderful, talented, authentic and lovely person. I am so glad we have connected....
I am sorry you are hurting so much..

L.Holm said...

(((Dean!!)))
Have so been there, my friend.
Don't quit! you are too talented and a bright light, you're just not seeing it right now.
your self-portrait is extraordinary.

naturgesetz said...

*hugs*

Thinking that you ruined something good is always a bad feeling. So it's no wonder you got upset when you saw the picture.

But perhaps the next time something like that happens, you can stop the chain of associations, so that you only have to deal with one thing at a time.

The other thing to have in mind is that most of us make mistakes in our dealings with other people. That doesn't make what happened to you hurt any less, but it does mean that you shouldn't think of yourself as any more of a screw-up than the mass of humanity. Other people may seem better at dealing with life, but that's because you don't see the turmoil in their heads. You're human.

Dolores said...

Hi Dean
Have you thought of volunteering your time to some worthy cause? Homeless shelter, soup kitchen or teaching little ones how to do some art at a community centre? You may find that you are a worthy human being with gifts (be it talent or time) to give to others less fortunate.

Sheila said...

Well, you may be sick of that Dean but we'll be here waiting for the talented, funny, bright, sensitive Dean who knows its what's inside that counts.


Eagle and the Wolf, The
by: Author Unknown, Rainbow Garden


There is a great battle that rages inside me.

One side is the soaring eagle. Everything the eagle stands for is good and true and beautiful, and it soars above the clouds. Even though it dips down into the valleys, it lays its eggs on the mountaintops.

The other side of me is the howling wolf. And that raging, howling wolf represents the worst that's in me. He eats upon my downfalls and justifies himself by his presence in the pack.

Who wins this great battle?

The one I feed.

Carolina said...

Sometimes we tend to forget important things, like now you're forgeting how important you are, (you're an inspiration to us, seriously).
I must admit though that it's very difficult to avoid comparing ourselves to others, but that's one of the worst things to do to ourselves. Congratulate him in your heart and keep going...
The only way that comparing yourself to others is good is to learn from them (what did they do that we didn't? what can we learn from them?). From the bottom of my heart to you...

AndyDrewby said...

Nice/Sad to hear that some one else has those kind of days as well. Just remember if you compensate by eating, drinking, or sleeping to much you are only prolonging. Maybbe you should paint sketch or draw out the crappy feelings. I have a little notebook for doodling and writing when in such a mood. The best part is being able to close the tablet hide it away and ameliorate the effects of the self hate days. hope it helps. A

Susan Beauchemin said...

Gee Dean--I hope you're feeling better. I wouldn't say that your sad day was unproductive--you had time to think and weep--things we all need to take time to do. I've often found it tough to have a day off from a job I don't like--the idea of having days off is great, but I would have such expectations for those days and then both me and my expectations would crumble--sort of like imploding doughnuts. Anyway, I really like your clutching hand.

Dean Grey said...

Aleksandra!

Thank you, Sandra. Greetings from Chicago!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tracey!

I knew you'd understand where I was coming from and I agree with you 100%.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

L.Holm!

Thank you, Liz!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

naturgesetz!

Thank you for the words of wisdom and the thoughtful advice.

Yes, we are indeed human.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dolores!

Thanks for the suggestion but I actually do volunteer my time to an organization I feel very passionate about.

I haven't been there in a while though so it might be time to return.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sheila!

Thanks for sharing that wonderful excerpt!

I guess I was the wolf while having my bad day.

"Who wins this great battle? The one I feed."

Love that part the best!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carolina!

"The other person" was someone I used to know in a more romantic way. I wasn't upset because I compared myself to this person, it was because we're no longer in each other's lives.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AndyDrewby!

Sound advice about expressing my feelings through my sketchbook.

I plan on doing just that!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Susan!

You're right. I guess I got the chance to feel those feelings, so it wasn't a total loss.

Glad you like my clutching hand. I wasn't in the mood that day to have my face be photographed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to all of you for the wonderful support! You're awesome!!

-Dean

Carolina said...

Oh, I see. I misunderstood things. Anyway, you know we're here to support each other.
I'm glad you feel better now :)
From your confused friend,
Carolina

Dean Grey said...

Carolina!

Maybe I should've explained things a bit more clearly in my post so it's really my fault.

Thanks for the support!

-Dean

Hannah Rose said...

hey dean, just caught up with your post there now. how about gving yourself a break pet? a person is going to go the way their life plan is laid out for them and anything you do is not going to make a difference. i know it hurts cos ive been there but now ive realised i wasnt going to change the way the person was going.

"the hurt in my blue eyes. the tears running down my flushed cheeks"? ive done this, and when i see myself crying tears over some one elses life whilst they dont realise im doing it has some time sharply brought me to my senses, some times a good cry has made me feel a millions times better, do which ever works for you.

do not quit!! i will come to chicago and find you and beat you over the head if you stop doing something you are so talented at, and by that i mean life!

as for go to hell we are sick of you dean???

not a hope! i check in every day to see if youve posted and regardless if your happy, sad, whatever, im always glad to see that youve posted because you learn something everyday, i can see three daily lessons in this post, can you?

Hannah Rose

Dean Grey said...

Hey, Hannah Rose!

I truly appreciate such a thoughtful response from you!

Reading your comments brought a smile to my face.

I see the daily lessons but it's another thing applying them.

Don't worry, I'm not quitting anytime soon!

Thanks again, Hannah!!

-Dean

Kelley Carey MacDonald said...

Don't quit. There is a path in your life, even if you can't see it. You've already attracted many people here in the blogsphere - people who like you (oh shut UP about us not knowing you... we know a LOT from your posts, dear, you wear your heart on your sleeve). When you feel like this go OUT OUT OUT. Give your last $5 to a homeless person, or buy them a sandwich. Pet a cat, go to the lake and listen for God, hold the door for someone...plant something, clean something, but most importantly, know that most people have days like this. Many of us do not get to indulge, because there are people (at work and at home) who have their own set of constant demands. OK, it's done, it is a sad thing, but choose a happier thing and think on it. Like your wonderful art.

Dean Grey said...

Thank you, Kelley!

Funny you should mention all of this.

On the weekend immediately following my "bad day":

1. I ran for 20 minutes on Saturday and Monday.
2. Did some baking, cooking, and painting.
3. Prepared and planted the backyard vegetable garden.

You're right, we all have bad days. I learned from past experience that sometimes you have to give yourself permission to have a bad day and sulk a bit.

Just for a little while though until you can take steps to counter those feelings.

I appreciate the continued support from you, Kelley!

-Dean

rahina qh said...

Hey Dean, I hope you are feeling better (I only just saw your post). We all deal with stuff in different ways... your way at least sounds healthy:)

Dean Grey said...

Thank you, Rahina!

Yeah, feelin' better now.

-Dean

Renee said...

Dean you could never be a fuck up.

Never.

Love Renee xoxo

Dean Grey said...

Renee!

That's how I feel a lot of the times though!

But your kind words are still appreciated!

-Dean

Dean Scott said...

I 'be had days like this. Some friends tell to buck up, which does not motivate me. Some gave me sympathy, which does not motivate me. My brother says everyone has shitty days and that he loves me. He adds " call if you want to talk." He understands me.

Dean Grey said...

Dean!

I'm glad your brother can be there for you like that.

-Dean